Please do not read my blog while on a jog.

Let's Smash

2011-03-11T17:36:00.005-06:00

I want to be violent. I want to smash a perfect lego village. I want to smash it fast. I want to take a perfectly minature house in my hand, and look at the man who spent painstaking hours constructing that perfect mini house directly in the eyes. I want him to watch as I throw that perfectly small house against a window for no good reason. Ideally that window will be located at the top of a tall skyscraper. And only the city birds will hear the whizz as that perfectly built mini house lets gravity be violent for me. Bits of glass will fall too. Watch out city birds. Fly away from the violence, city birds. Gravity will create a lego grenade for the concrete to erupt multi-colored, multi-pieced violence. I won't hear the whizz or burst myself. No, I'll be stomping away at the rest of that perfectly built lego village. Did you know that my legs are violence makers? They're muscular and strong and heavy. The idea that my legs were created to destroy runs through my mind. My legs don't take offense to that, and make quick work of a brown lego bridge. The beautiful detail of gas station isn't noticed by my size 12. I wore heavy shoes today on my purpose, my mind and legs say to that helpless creator and witness. One big, perfect lego becomes an oodle of silly color. This was quick violence against the yellow people. Lego my ego, you yellow fellows.

The Bizness Bastard (To Be Filmed)

2011-03-09T17:16:00.004-06:00

"Hi, my name is Bernard Barbalowitz...but my rich friend call me Bernie. And I am THE BIZNESS BASTARD! I'm gonna talk to you today about what it takes to be the best economical you that you can be. We're in tough times. People are jumping out of buildings the economy is so bad. They're leaping off of roofs, hopin' to land on their heads so they don't have to worry about this recession no more. It's as if America caught a cold...from poor people! America has the swine flu. You heard it here first. All the banks, the Wall St., the moneymakers...they're in the hospital hallucinatin...askin 'what happened? where's my momma? where's my money? where's my 14 carrot gold penguin statue with the diamond eyes?' Now you gotta ask yourself...are you gonna be in the hospital bed next to em? The sick ole bunk buddy? Or are you gonna be the fat cat doctoro that steals from their wallets when they're sleepin? Are you gonna let this recession take control of you? Or are you gonna take control of your finances, and rise up against this ho-hum-bum-rum???

That's what I thought! Now ole Uncle Bernie's gonna help you out here. I've some bizness tips to get you back on your feet. Get a pen and paper ready...lick the tip so you know the ink is ready to flow. No doodlin' now. Doodlin' don't get you rich! If Uncle Bernie finds out you're doodlin' he's gonna come to your house and crush your fingers with his strength.

Okay here are some tips that will you wallet fat and your fat cat fed:

-Why buy bottled water for your employees when there's a perfectly good pond across the street? If your employees are too good for pond water, then fire their candy ass! This ain't a marathon race! Pond water will get your whistle wet!
-...

Coupons

2011-03-04T16:48:00.004-06:00

A lot of people love coupons these days. Groupon, Living Social, Coupon Central, Couponz Unlimited, Coupon Town, Whitey Ford's Coupon Basement, The Coupon Arena, Cooped Up Mom Coupon Store, Groups of Humans Coupon Time, Florida Coup Company, The Tallahassee Savings Organization (Coupon Division), The Coupon Depot, Grape-on Groupon, The Coupon Lifestyle Club, etc., have all become very profitable these days.

Who knew people wanted to save money? I sure didn't. I wouldn't have seen this "saving money" craze with the Hupple Telescope. People fascinate me. Actually wait, I messed that up. *I fascinate people.* I'm not sold on this "using coupons to save money" thing long-term, though. Does anyone else think this craze could be the new "pogs" or "slap bracelets" or "AIDS"? I don't know. I guess I'm a late adopter or a non-believer or a handsome guy or whatever. I must admit that I have taken advantage of this coupon thing a few times myself:

Via Poopon, I paid $40 for a bag of senior citizen feces (an $85 value). I needed some to finish my master's thesis (Is Old Poop Different Than Old People Poop: A Study), so I must admit this was a great deal.
Via Hoops-Coups, I paid $80 to touch the birthmark on Drew Brees' face. I know, that's SO wrong, right? Why would a company called HOOPS Coups have a deal with an NFL player?
Via Groupon, I paid $10 for a $20 gift card at Barnes + Noble. Kind of a waste. I temporary forgot that reading is for nerds, so I just bought a bookmark that looked like a dolphin because I needed a friend. With the leftover $17.22 on my card, I tried to buy 5 muffins at the Starbucks that was located WITHIN the B+N. After some latte-attitude, I screamed that I was technically IN a Barnes + Noble and my card should be accepted. I didn't win that argument, though, and the policeman that threw me out told me that Starbucks is a different company and have their own giftcards.

See below for post title

2010-07-14T12:51:00.004-05:00

My greatest ideas. A post, by Michael Conti of moustachio.blogspot.com fame.

1. An Asian businessman with eye glasses and a black suit, jumping up and down on a trampoline, pointing at a dead Hammerhead shark that lay motionless next to the trampoline.

2. A 6-year-old child calmly smoking a cigarette while watching a video of himself calmly smoking a cigarette.

3. "The Classy Zoo" - A normal zoo, except the zookeepers hot glue gun bow ties onto every single animal.

4. Beards, Boners, Beers, and Buds. A convention for men, where beards and boners are exposed and discussed, while drinking beer and new friendships develop. To be held in Santa Fe.

5. Breakfast Nachos. Tortilla chips covered in scrambled eggs, shredded cheese, black beans, bacon bits, sour cream, salsa, onion, etc.

6. Trap Door Dance Floor - a dance floor in Las Vegas, where bad dancers and ugly females fall through a trap door at the DJ's discretion, falling into an underground room full of lotion and feathers.

7. Robot Whale - for our nations defense.

8. A movie scene where an older woman accidentally wears a see-thru dress to church. The priest says something funny when she receives her communion. Something like "Lord have mercy" while he gulps loudly. Or "I'd like to break bread with her!" under his breath. Or he places a bible over his crouch to hide boner.

9. Frozen Sushi. Oh, wait: www.banzai-sushi.com

10. Twitter for ghosts. A social media site exclusively for ghosts.

Boner Slap! A game by Michael Conti!

2010-05-25T13:43:00.003-05:00

It may tkae me a few mnitues to rmemebr how to tpye! I hvan'et blgoged in so so lnog. My fngires frogot waht to do. Cmoe on Cnoti...you can do tihs.

HAHAHA! What a funny joke. "EVERYONE QUICK, COME TO THE COMPUTER! CONTI IS PRETENDING LIKE HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW TO TYPE! HE'S BACK! HE IS SO BACK, YOU GUYS!"

CONTI IS BACK! I invented a game called "Boner Slap!", but sadly the Milton Bradley organization was not interested. The game involves dice, chance, prizes, and penis. I'm not sure why they turned it down. Listen Milt, we're in a housing recession. No one wants to play Monopoly with those high rents and bank loans. Americans want to slap boners. We're still at war, Milt. Sinking ships in Battleship is wildly inapporpriate. Americans want to slap boners. Yahtzee sounds German or Jewish or something. Americans want to slap boners. Boner Slap! A game by Michael Conti!

Are you guys doing one thing everyday that scares you? There's a song that says you should do something everyday that scares you. Do you guys listen to songs? I do. I like listening to informative songs and then following out their instructions. Yesterday I swallowed a spider. Today I'm planning on riding my bike near a bunch of sharp spikes. Tomorrow I'll play Boner Slap! with some construction workers. Thursday I'll punt a glass football without any shoes or socks. Do Something Everyday That Scares You! A song by Baz Luhrmann!

Love scares a lot of people. Are you in love, reader? Probably not. Oh sure, you think you're in love. But truthfully, whoever you're in love with isn't as good as Michael Conti. He or she doesn't have my pizzazz. Your bones are lying to you, reader. What you really want is someone who makes really great laser comb videos. Your body is aching for someone who writes academic papers about fantasy sports. Your soul yearns for a lover with innovative board game ideas. Boner Slap! A game for lovers!

"HEY GUYS, ARE YOU READING THIS? CONTI IS TYING ALL HIS PARAGRAPHS BACK TO BONER SLAP. THAT'S A NEAT WRITING TECHNIQUE. YOU GUYS READING THIS?"

Gosh, I forgot how great of a writer I am. I am writing the fuck out of this blog. I could mention just about anything right now and you'd be on-board with it. Let's get super-duper odd with it:

The Tamarin monkey pointed at the scientist, and then at a loaf of the bread.

"Did you see that, Timmington? I think the monkey wants me to bring him some bread!" said Johnston, head scientist.

"These monkey's are learning to communicate," said Timmington, assistant scientist.

Johnston brought the Tamarin monkey the bread. The Tamarin monkey ate the bread quickly.

"It seems he enjoyed that bread," Timmington said when Johnston returned from the feeding.

"You're right! What a break-thru!" Johnston replied. "Let's go to Chili's and celebrate!"

Johnston and Timmington drove to Chili's in seperate cars, parking towards the rear of the restaurant.

"Let's order the bottomless nachos and the southwest eggrolls!" cried Johnston.

"Two appetizers?!?" replied Timmington.

"We deserve it, bro! Let's celebrate!"

"Haha if you say so, boss."

Timmington and Johnston ate appetizers, drank margaritas, and celebrated their day. Johnston even attempted to hit on their waitress, but she was happily engaged. Timmington insisted that the check be split, even though Johnston offered to pick up the entire tab. The two had a great time, even grabbing an improper amount of mints as they left. Back at the science monkey lab, however: death. You see, Tamarin monkies shouldn't eat bread. Tamarin monkeys should eat grapes, seeds, insects, and small reptiles. The monkey science lab fired Timmington and Johnston the next day. Very discouraged and unemployed, the two struggled to find enjoyment. That is, until they found a new board game to keep them busy. Boner Slap! A game by Michael Conti!

Twee

2010-02-03T13:10:00.003-06:00

Fuck a hole in the ground! Do you remember when blogging was cool? I don't. I've drank way too much moonshine to remember 2006. Nowaday's I'm tweeting. That's all my old bones can handle. Sentences, not paragraphs. I'm 28 now, dear reader. How am I supposed to find the time to entertain you when it takes me an hour to comb my hair and buckle up my boots?

Actually, if I'm honest, I'm stronger than I've ever been. You guys really should see me naked. It's worth the drive. The reason I'm not writing more is because certain institutions are forcing me to write about Plato, fantasy sports, and diffusion of innovations. It's a bore, my friend, but someone has to do it.

Some of my writings have aroused interest. I'll be in Seattle and Vancouver in early March to present my work. Would you like to network? Call the Moustachio hotline to inquire.

In other news, I'm engaged to a lovely young woman named Shirley Tiverington. She's obese and poor, but she knows several professional field goal kickers. I said from day one...I don't care about appearances or money. I just want to be with someone that can introduce me to Mike Vanderjagt.

I have new friends. I'm so fucking popular it's not even funny how fucking likeable I am. Holy Fuck my personality is like a waterfall. No one can take their eyes off me. People see angels when they are around me. Just ask T-Bone, The Thrill, Dirty Dave, El Jefe, and the rest of the crew. They can't get enough of this shit.

Is there anything I need to know about? What's going on in blog world? Can someone inform me? Are you guys ok? Are you happy? I hope so.

But fuck you guys right now. I gotta gchat.

Re-Branding Moustachio

2009-10-27T16:19:00.002-05:00

Welcome to the *former* moustachio blog. lol. I say *former* because there are going to be some *major* changes coming. No more dicking around. No more inactivity. No more mismanaging funds.

The key phrase is *re-branding*. lol. Not trying to get all marketing guru on you! lol. It's just time for *moustachio* to do something important in this world. It's time for moustachio to change how consumers use the internet.

"*How do we do that?,*" you're probably asking yourself. lol. Good question! Feedback is encouraged. The web is about Two-Way-Communication. Me talking to you. You letting me know how you feel about that. Web 2.0...dig it! LOL.

Well, making these changes is going to be a focused, difficult task. Moustachio is going to diversify. Moustachio is going to elevate *and* enhance. Moustachio...might as well call it Transformio! lol. From here on out, this blog will focus on 3 things:

Dinosaur Sex
Relationship Advice
Old Person Tweets

How cool would it be if a velociraptor had sex with a brontosaurus? Do you think the Raptor would touch the brontosaurus' tail during foreplay? Do you Raptor fellatio would hurt, even though brontosaurus skin is very tough?

Q: Hi, my name is Franklin and I've never had a girlfriend. How do I get a muff with the right stuff? A: Lose 10 pounds and put glitter on your penis.

Ethel35: @TheEllenShow keep up the good work, young man.

I Love The Big Screen!

2009-08-06T18:34:00.003-05:00

Harry Potter is the exact same thing as Star Wars. You realize that, I hope. Harry Potter is Star Wars with no lightsabers and bigger tits. I watched Harry Potter 3 on a bus. It was my first HP experience. That was the one where Harry was at school and some dragon chased him and then a guy tried to kill him. At some point a tent was on fire. Other than that, I don't really recall anything eventful happening.

I also saw that Twilight movie. That's the movie where a boring chick with no tits has dinner with a vampire family. After dinner they played baseball with some black guys.

I don't know who I hate more- people who do crosswords or people who make crosswords.

It's been a crazy summer ya'll! I sat front row at Letterman in NYC, I got hammered at the infield of The Kentucky Derby while wearing a shirt that said 'Talk Derby To Me', I sold frozen sushi in bulk to a number of universities, I finally saw DC and BMore, and played camp counselor for 3 weeks. Don't look now, bloggers, but I'm living life.

BRB.

2009-02-19T09:24:00.003-06:00

In the 3rd grade a red laser went into my eyeball. It tickled my brain, and I laughed and laughed at the experience. My old, grumpy-wumpy doctor said that lasers were dangerous to us humans. But this dinosaur doctor was an old-timey, and didn't know about new age technology.

That's the problem with anyone over the age of 37. They believe butter should be churned and bras should be made of twine and iron. Old people do have worth, however. They read all the books that would otherwise sit untouched at Barnes and Noble locations across the country. Large stacks of books would stuff all sections, and us young people wouldn't have the room to enjoy the magazine section.

I visited an old folks home on Valentine's Day, to pass out valentine's and spread my cheer. There was an old man there, named Stan, who owned a pet bird named Timington. Timington was an old-timey bird, with grey feathers and a beak that could only eat mushed up crackers. He had been around since the war, and his vernacular proved it. "Throw a grenade at those Japs!," Timington screeched when we entered the room. "Nazi's! Nazi's!," when we handed Stan his valentine candy.

I invented a new candy, you know. It's for obese computer scientists. Think Fat Seinfeld mailman from Jurassic Park. The candy looks like computer wires, but tastes like a combination of skittles and gummy drops. Obese computer scientists won't have to worry about sneaking candy around..."No no, Mr. Boss-man, I'm just organizing these computer wires, sir."

I'll pass out all candy profits to sad hobos. To unfriendly religious types. I'll divide all profits to street violinists. To injured trapeze artists. To retired cowgirls. All profits to uneducated foreigners. To cold toddlers. To discouraged weightlifters. To bold scientists.

THE RETURN

2009-02-08T20:18:00.003-06:00

When I arrive, I bring the fire! Just like Lil Wayne! LOLZ! Hey bitches, I'm still here. Fuck my inactivity. If you aren't checking up on me everyday then you're priorities are like ballsacks. Weird and stupid.

So this alligator is at the bottom of the lake. He's typing on his computer, which just happens to be an HP PC with internet capabilities. There's a problem, however. His alligator tears blend in with the swamp water. Waaaa, Mr. Green! You see, this alligator needs to print off a very important report. But since this alligators computer/printer is underwater, the paper gets very soggy.

OH MICHAEL, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE STARTED TO BLOG AGAIN. LOL. I MEAN, IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO? HAHA.

I hate tall chicks, and short chicks. I only like medium chicks. If you are not 5ft7 then you're vagina is filled with gun powder.

YOU'RE GETTING BETTER, BUT THIS IS KIND OF ALL OVER THE PLACE. CAN'T YOU WRITE SOMETHING LONGER, LIKE A FUNNY STORY?

Sure. One time a tall chick and a short chick were at a restaurant. They both had gun powder in their vaginas. The waiter, who was a Frenchman named Henry Ford (AUTHORS NOTE: THIS FRENCHMAN WAS NOT RELATED TO HENRY FORD, AMERICAN MACHINE HERO). Henry Ford took a sniff at the table, and smelt the powder scents. He then said, "I am sorry, ladies, but I can not serve you this evening. Why don't you go to Canada." The ladies were offended, and started to cry (AUTHORS NOTE: THESE TEARS WERE DIFFERENT FROM THE ALLIGATORS TEARS, WHICH WERE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED). So their tears strolled down their faces, and down their bodies. Earlier in the day, it should be mentioned, these ladies had been drinking rum and pine sol. AND SO THE COMBINATION OF THE GUN POWDER, THE RUMTEARS, AND THE CANDLES AT THE TABLE CREATED AN EXPLOSION! The Frenchman, who's moustache had a little bit of fire on it, was the first out of the burning building. "Oh my!" he shouted, "What a horrible evening for my restaurant!"

I MEAN, I GUESS THAT'S GOOD. BUT REALLY WEIRD. YOU SHOULD SEE SOMEONE. LIKE A THERAPIST. HEHE!

I did see a therapist, thank you, in 2006. My therapist, a woman with high morals and higher hair, told me to stop blogging. "Every time you blog," she'd say, "you're giving your ideas away for free. You don't want to be an idea whore, do you?"

Speaking of whores, where you at? My blog is a lady magnet. Every time I blog, ladies can't resist. As soon as I post this, ladies across the internet will take notice. "His writing is so different," they think. "I'll bet he's the type of guy that could make my boring life a little more colorful. I don't know, he's got the right amount of crazy."

THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF CRAZY. I LIKE THAT.

Well fuck you then.

2009-01-18T23:44:00.003-06:00

Dear God,

Today Ron said you were invisible. I hate Ron, God. He is the worst co-worker imaginable. Could you prove you weren't invisible and fire him, God?

Thank you in advance for firing Ron,

Michael

A Pair of Powerful Men

2008-11-15T13:47:00.002-06:00

"Can't wait for that big boat ride home," the soldier spoke into the microphone. The media mogul, with a belly full of hot rice, nodded in agreement. He knew that he would never know. They both wore green, but then again so did the tank and the tree.

The expert eyes of the furniture mogul scanned the warehouse. The Ottoman Men moved little and breathed less. "I can sell these," he finally said aloud. The Ottoman Men expressed their enormous excitement with normal blink tempos and bowed heads.

Michael Conti: Up Close + Personal

2008-11-11T11:10:00.002-06:00

Check out my new vid!

The City and The Love

2008-10-14T23:03:00.000-05:00

I’d like to think Ignatius himself laughed at my tourist tears as I drove from the jazzman’s airport. In a city full of poor, I was the poorest of them all. I merged onto I-10 with a wet steering wheel.

The love was like the city. Perfect despite imperfections. Charismatic, passionate. Fun and different. Fast and intense. Unlike anything else. But it finally happened. The city and the love gave way. Irreparable cracks. Visible damage. Signs of collapse. Never to be the same.

I knew this day was coming. I had braced for it the day I met her. But there was no preparation for this. No preparation to say goodbye to her. The last kiss tasted like fried shrimp and desperation. Big moments in the heart happen with small significance to the body. I told her she didn’t have to go. She told me that she did.

Devastation crept into the Pontiac. I couldn’t tell if I was a lot stronger or a lot weaker than I thought I was. It didn’t matter, really. All that counted was that she wasn’t sitting next to me. She was up in the sky with her gorgeous blue eyes and bag of peanuts. I was heading west with a damaged soul and an empty wallet.

The silver bullet and my mind both spun grey. Evidently I was able to notice more than the hurt. Blank overcame pain. I focused on the road. Only a few hundred miles from the state line. I’d be back in Texas soon…

Fact

2008-09-30T20:25:00.004-05:00

The more I learn about everything that doesn't involve me, the more I see how fucked we are. Why can't America and readers like you be. more. like. me. ME! Michael Conti! I'm the only hope. I spit facts.

FACT: Today the Russian Club had a bake sale today.

FACT: Everyone is the Russian Club is an asshole Communist trying to control me via mind-control muffin poison.

The Tollhouse got it right, everybody. He was right. Disappear! Poof! Gone! Goodbye for now! Walking around and chatting with people is dumber that Soy Sauce Cereal.

FACT: My head is like a magazine. Full of information.

FACT: I can't tell if the last fact was witty writing or dumb as shit.

Breakfest-ival. HAA!

2008-09-21T21:44:00.003-05:00

I ate a turkey leg for breakfast. It was a terrible idea. No wonder the fucking Vikings are extinct. You can't conquer shit when you feel like an asshole from eating turkey so early in the morning. It was equally as miserable as when I went to a summer camp when I was 12 and we had spaghetti for breakfast on Backwards Day.

The turkey leg wasn't even the worst part. I tried to compliment eating a turkey leg by eating green beans with it. Might as well go for it, right? I only had a family pack of green beans though. So here I am, at 9am, eating a shitload of green beans and a turkey leg. I felt miserable all day. That's what I get for having sex in Pittsburgh.

I'm going to try to get readership up now, by mentioning juicy celebrity gossip that this country can't seem to get enough of. KING ARTHUR WAS A NAZI! VINNY DEL NEGRO MARRIED A MIDGET! HENRY FORD COULD DUNK A BASKETBALL! TOMMY LASORDA MISTREATS HIS GOLDFISH!!!

That should get the readership up. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING, KID? If you want other people to read your blog, you have to comment on theirs. But the problem is, I don't like reading other blogs. The other blogs are boring. My blog is my favorite blog in the entire world. I guess what I'm trying to say to you, is...I don't care about you, internet. I only care about me.

Follow me on Twitter

I once watched a television show that told me that poor people have to rent microwaves

2008-09-10T20:16:00.003-05:00

Holy shit, reader. Why haven't you told 400 of your closest friends about my last post. If you would have done that I would have been in the news by now. Are you angry that I sent you to the moon, dear reader? I only did it because I knew it would be best for you. Your face doesn't need oxygen. Trickster scientists are lying to you, dear reader, and you're naive enough to believe them.

I, for one, hate scientists. Why discover? Discovering things is boring and doesn't get you laid. Swimming pools gets you laid. If you have a swimming pool, you're going to be swimming in chlorine and vag. I'd love to see a scientist break down that fact. I have near perfect vision, so I'll never be a scientist. Scientists wear glasses and touch beakers all day. Fuck your beaker touching.

Celebrity news! Lindsay Lohan touches beakers! Brittany Spears is dating a pirate! Frank Stallone is voting for the Eskimo! Donnie Darko has a secret crush on Claire Danes! Chelsea Clinton smooched Tommy Lasorda!

Beaker touching, Ha. That's a great way to refer to masturbation. So is "crushing the flashlight."

My new title is Alpha-Ambassador. Take note.

2008-08-25T19:26:00.004-05:00

Why the fuck doesn't google pay me? Fuck google. Fuck altavista. Fuck you, reader. You readers all piss me off. Always reading. With your dumbass eyes. Why don't you read in outerspace?

That always irked me about readers. They never read in outerspace. I wish you would all drive to Seattle and get on a shuttle. Do a jigsaw puzzle on the way.

The problem that I have is I care too much about you, the reader. Right now I should be lasercombing my hair. Imagine that. I'd be laying on my blue leather couch, eyes transfixed on the television. Smiling as my hand moved ever-so-gently around my head. Perhaps my free hand (the hand not working the sweet red laser of fertility) would touch my ballsack. Not a sexual touch. Just a 'hi how are you?' touch.

This blog is ranked in the stratosphere. More people probably read your blog. Your blog probably looks prettier than mine. But my blog ranks higher. The king of all kings reads my blog in Heaven, probably. Every cloud in Heaven has the words of my blog written into the airy marshymellow of the everlasting. Praise Jesus! And more importantly, Praise Moustachio!!!

Haha, wink wink. Jesus knows that was a joke. Otherwise he wouldn't have made me so funny. And I am funny. Like the time my ex-girlfriend got angry at her because I told her she liked tennis. She got angry and hung up on me. So I downloaded Brian McKnight - Do I Ever Cross Your Mind? and played it on her voicemail. HAHAH!! That will teach the tennis-loving bee.

Yotch.

FUCK AM I ON!!! This reminds me of 1995. I'd go into an AOL chat room and type this:

+_+_+_+_=-+_______+++VIRUS ENABLED!+_++_+_++_+_+_+_++_+_++_+_+_+_+_+_P+_+_+_+_+)++_+_+_+__+_+_+ ALL CHATROOM WILL BE AFFECTED _)__)_(_))_)_(_))_(__)_()_)(__+_+_+_++_++__+_+_++_+_+

All the chat members would get so concerned about their Pac Bell computers. Fuck Pac Bell and all old computer companies that couldn't survive. I hate things that can't survive. Except for dinosaurs. Dinosaurs would have survived if it weren't for the macro-comet that fucked shit up. God Damn I kind of wish a dinosaur would eat me right now.

I'd put up a great fight, but eventually I'd lose. I mean, fuck, it's a dino, am I right? I just had a great idea of the DinoDentist. The DinoDentist is the only man that the dinosaurs won't attack.

And in closing, DINOSAURS DIDN'T HAVE TITS!

SUCK IT~!

2008-08-23T21:52:00.002-05:00

I want everyone to know that Jesus didn't recycle. A lot of my fag friends thinks that Jesus used to take bottle and put them in the huge blue recycling bins. It's a lie. Jesus didn't give a shit about recycling.

By the way, everyone who has ever read this blog is a huge fag. If you've ever read by blog, you s d's. Or you l v's.

s=suck
d=dick
l=lick
v=vagina

By the way, I'm way more awesome then anyone who has ever recycled.

Thank you very much for reading,

Michael Richard Conti the Fifth.

Updates, Lasers, and Life

2008-06-03T15:58:00.006-05:00

I haven't kept up with blogworld for the last 18 months, so I'm not sure if anyone still checks this ole' dinosaur of a page. There have been a lot changes in my life this last year and a half. I've had my fair share of relationships, jobs, and opportunities lately. Living life, and the whatnots.

The big news is I'm heading back to school. I'll be getting my masters at West Virginia University. The department of journalism gave me a full ride...so I took it! It gives me a great chance to write a lot, which is what I want. I get started in the fall, but I'm heading back to camp in WV to be a camp counselor again. It's an amazing time...I've never felt more alive than I do there. So I won't have a chance to get back on the blogtrain until August. But I do miss writing on this thing...so it's something I'll get involved with soon. Maybe not as much as the old days, where I posted more days than not. But I had a lot of fun and met some cool people through moustachio.

So we will see. If you read this, check back in late August. Have a great summer. I'm planning on having a helluva summer...you should too.

Here's a little something that I made just before I left:

And the blooper reel:

Bye for now, ya'll!

They're Everywhere!

2008-04-22T10:18:00.005-05:00

This weekend I was able to reconnect with an old roommate of mine up in Austin. We had an awesome time. Drinking, running, yelling, etc. Also, we came up with the most powerful two words in human history.

"Tits Everywhere!"

It's perfect! So visual. So appealing. So direct.

Imagine its use in this radio commercial...

"St. Michael's 24/7 Emergency Care is located off of Highway 59 and Elm St. Come in when you have an injury that needs immediate attention, and you don't want to deal with a huge hospital.

Experienced Medical Staff!

Short Wait Times!

Clean Facility!

Tits Everywhere!!!!!!"

Tell me that place wouldn't be booming with business. "Did you hear that? They have tits everywhere! Let's go now" The amazing thing is that it works for anything, ever. Dentist looking for new patients? Tits everywhere! Restaurant looking for busier lunch hours? Tits everywhere! Church looking for new members? Tits everywhere!

By far the most powerful two words ever combined. Other than Michael Conti. See ya.

The Itchy Midget

2008-04-09T08:24:00.004-05:00

It wasn't so long ago that I was in love with a beautiful girl. I went on lavish vacations and had friends in every corner in every town. I was a laughing, smiling life champion humanoid. Now, though. Now I was watching an itchy midget ask for bacon. I knew the midget was itchy because she kept scratching her stomach. She was on her tippy toes, peering at the breakfast meats. "Bacon!," she decided.

I frowned, a little. The itchy midget was a bit overweight. She weighed at least 55. I wanted to yell "Oatmeal! Oranges!" to her, but I was bashful. Her ears were much lower than my mouth. I would have been too late anyway. Plus she was just so itchy. She was, by far, the most itchy midget I had every encountered. Perhaps a sneakster dwarf put some peppers and powders in her sweater.

I couldn't help to think about my life as the midget happily and itchily trotted off. My life was like the midget. Right now I am very itchy. Now where is my bacon?

No no, Please

2008-03-17T19:15:00.002-05:00

Oh Moustachio! The horror! It seems that you haven't updated since Y2K knocked down the towers! Oh Poor Moustachio! The blog that once rained pleasure gold onto the masses faces inactivity and doubt. Will Poor Moustachio rise from the blogdom ashes like an unfamiliar smell from the downtown sewers? Or will Moustachio fall like the bashful Acidica, and his quest to revenge his fathers death from the powerful wizard forces? Oh Moustachio, won't you say a word? Won't you explain your agenda? If only Cousin Time would rewind its stone tablet to the year 2006, when you're internet fame was bulky and shrewd. Moustachio are you the lamest charlatan, or the beautiful Gipper? Come back, kid, won't you?

My poem

2007-12-17T14:00:00.000-06:00

This poem is so deep. So real. So unbelievable. How did I come up with it? It's just who I am. This poem will probably change your perspective. Maybe even your life. This poem is more important than anything you've ever read, ever before.

The fire is alive
Like my insides
The hiss and haw reflect my desire
My desire to dominate
The roar is a war cry
I am in the lead
The hot flame is passion
The passion that I was created from
Even the wood log has a purpose
I consume itIt is my enemy
And I will defeat my enemy
The warmth is my output
If you are near me, then you're lucky
But don't get too close
Or else the fire will burn your face off

I told you this poem was deep. Real deep, unlike anything else ever. It's really great. A great poem that you should re-read.

Little Known FACTS about LIFE

2007-12-03T08:34:00.000-06:00

Jesus was born in Pittsburgh, PA.

3% of hot chocolate consists of midget urine.

IHOP stands for 'I Have Oral Problems'. The founder had Type 4 Gingivitis.

Bass fishing was invented by Abraham Lincoln.

The most rare animal on the planet is the Underwater Poison Hamster.

The mayor of Santa Fe places old cabbage under his mattress for good luck.

To increase intelligence, rub a magnet on the forehead of a baby for 4-6 hours every day.

Omar Khayyam, a Persian poet and mathematician who died in 1123, loved to karaoke.

Rattlesnakes are afraid of ravioli.

Cooking 4 Dolphins

2007-10-30T16:45:00.000-05:00

I really like soy sauce. I mean, fuck, it's tasty. The way it tastes, ya know? Even the way it looks kinda. Don't tell the clean police, but sometimes when I'm eating sushi or something I'll spill a little soy on my fingers. Then for the rest of the day I'll occasionally smell my hand.

Sorry about not posting very much this last 2007. The whole job, girlfriend, life thing gets in the way of my blogging schedule. Plus I've been focusing on videos more. I have a few online...I'll share them all in time.

This was filmed in Nov. 2006.

Introducing Pat...

2007-09-28T16:48:00.000-05:00

I urge you to read the blog of Pat. His link is to the right. He is a good friend of mine. We met at camp and he changed my life. We even went on a romantic vacation together:

He is an incredibly funny dude. Here is our text message exchange that happened this morning:

I want to eat a grilled cheese sandwich with you at noon.

I want to paint a cougar petting a squirrel on your back with the menstrual blood of a Ukranian virgin.

I want to drink champagne with your cousins and tell stories of your glory.

I want to buy a trailer next to your mansion and serve you pancakes for brunch.

I want to feed oats to your steed and cheer you on as you joust against an eveil knight.

I want to dip my toes in melted apple butter and picture you running a half-marathon.

I want to watch you floss while we gossip about celebrities.

Read him, people.

The Infamous MonkeyDentist Story

2007-09-25T10:22:00.000-05:00

SO I GO TO THE DENTIST, RIGHT? AND I'M WAITING IN THE LOBBY, AND I'M READING A MAGAZINE, OKAY? AND ALL THE SUDDEN, A NURSE COMES OUT AND CALLS MY NAME. IT'S MY TURN TO SEE THE DENTIST. SO I WALK INTO THE OFFICE, RIGHT? AND THE DENTIST, WELL HE'S A MONKEY!!! AND THE MONKEY LOOKS AT MY TEETH, AND HE SAYS I NEED TO BRUSH MY TEETH MORE. AND I LOOK AT HIM AND I TELL HIM "I'M NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO ANY MONKEY!!!" SO I GET A HAMMER, AND I START BASHING THAT STUPID MONKEY-DENTIST ON TOP OF HIS HEAD!!!!

Children Bleeding

2007-09-20T10:44:00.000-05:00

Probably my biggest regret growing up was that I didn't beat up enough punks. I was a timid child, and never really punched the hell out of a punk and his face. When I was 16, my first job was at Laser Zone. Some punk kid co-worker of mine kept on telling me about how he could race Dodge Vipers with his old truck. "I added to the engine. My truck is so fast," he would say. He would tell me about how he was from a bad area and blah blah blah. I could have easily beaten that guy up. His body was small, and his eyes looked like they would bleed easily. I should have just punched that kid in the dark laser arena.

Maybe those regrets are why I made a few kids bleed this summer. Please remember, I am 25 and strong. Have you seen that calf muscle down there, below this post? Jeez that's muscle.

G-Berg is an athletic 13-year-old girl. She runs everyday and is as good or better than the boys at every single sport. It was the first day of Second Session, and a lot of the kids were playing a game of dodgeball. G-Berg was dominating. She was all over the floor...catching balls and nailing kids out. Her side won the first game in a landslide. To even things up a bit...I decided I would join in.

"GO FOR G-BERG! GO FOR G-BERG!" I shouted. But like anything in life, if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. I picked up a red ball and (remember I played 3rd base in little league) whizzed it towards G-Berg.

I immediately cringed when I saw the result. I drilled her right in the face. Her nose started to bleed and I felt like a horrible monster.

G-Berg was a trooper...said it was no big deal as she dripped blood to the nurse. I bought her a Diet Coke later in the day...so I think we're good now. Nice to meet you Second Session, my name is Michael Conti. If you play with me, you will bleed. Good start Conti, good start.

The second kid I made bleed was Ian. Ian is 9 and asks a lot of questions. He's a cute kid, but can get annoying. One night we were playing a game of ultimate frisbee. A lot of counselors and admin were playing, so it was a very intense game. Ian came up to me 4 or 5 times saying: "Conti why won't you pass to me or the other kids? You're only passing to counselors."

I couldn't tell the truth and say "Well Ian, I want to win. And you kids suck at this compared to me." So I told him: "Alright I'll look for you...I'll look for you." Eventually my competitiveness eased up, and I remembered that camp was for kids, and not me. I got the frisbee near our own goal, and specifically looked for Ian. He was open, and I threw the frisbee right at him.

The frisbee hit off the top of his fingers, and went straight into his mouth. He started crying when he realized his teeth were bleeding. I felt pretty horrible, because I'm pretty sure he thought I initially drilled him. My b, Ian, my b.

So anyways I'm good now...I don't feel the need to make a child bleed anymore. Two was plenty for the summer.

Michael Conti is back

2007-08-27T17:39:00.000-05:00

God that was such a bad war. A black panther vs. a snake. I'm back in Texas and feeling good. Relaxing a bit before I start to blog on a regular basis. Enjoy this picture until then.

And yes that's my leg.

At Camp

2007-07-19T09:53:00.000-05:00

Hey, sorry about that. I'm in West Virginia, at a summer camp. It's awesome. I've only made one child bleed (dodgeball). Hope all is well. I'm having a ton of fun and hope you are too. I'll be back mid-August. We'll talk then.

Celebrities, Japanese Drafting and a French DJ

2007-06-06T21:30:00.000-05:00

Life is about drifting. Tokoyo Drifting. That's when your car swerves in Japan. It's a movie. And it's what my life is about. I first began to love drifting when I saw the movie FAST + FURIOUS: THE TOKOYO DRIFT. "That's what I've been missing," I said as the ending credits flashed on my screen.

Life is also about Kavinsky. His music makes you jump higher, punch harder, and zip line furthur. The first time I heard his music I literally zip-lined from a construction crane. Easily 1000 feet straight down. Some guys were trying to drown my friend Dean, so I surprise zip-line kicked them. They were the ones in for the watery grave. Thanks Kavinsky. Dean thanks you. I thank you. And I'm sure the construction company that owns that crane thanks you. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha!

I don't understand. Since when is slapping your palms together the universal sign that everything is okay? When these hidden camera shows finally reveal the joke, everyone who's in on it starts to clap. And the target, who's absolutely furious, is supposed to know that everything is okay? If someone who just pissed me off started to smile and clap, my natural reaction would be to hit that bitch. Am I alone here?

Last night I dreamt that the house across the street from my house was converted to a classy restaurant. I was eating at the restaurant with some friends when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes walked in and sat down at our table. Except Tom Cruise was fat. His face was chubby and he had a hard time moving his neck. They were really quiet, and acted social only after some paparazzi arrived to take their picture.

I didn't ask about Suri.

Duke

2007-05-29T20:42:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot. The schools almost brainwashed me. For the last 25 years I thought that American Indians were my friends. But this weekend I was reminded otherwise. John Wayne was FURIOUS and a MAN. And he hated the Commanche.

WANT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, DRAW YOU A PICTURE?

I watched The Searchers today, and IT WAS AWESOME. John Wayne is my hero. He shot a dead Indian's eyes out. He called someone a "blanket-head." He tried to shoot his niece because she turned Commanche. He revenge-scalped an Indian. The only time he laughed was when his partner (whom he hated) accidently bought a fat Indian wife. He shot buffalo for fun. He got impatient and yelled at a funeral. He shoved a woman when she tried to watch a fistfight.

If you haven't watched this movie then you're not American. I just became an American today, because I watched. Otherwise you're a Commanche. And a blankethead.

Me...help you?

THAT'LL BE THE DAY.

Please accept this apology, dear reader.

2007-05-17T15:26:00.000-05:00

Sorry about that, reader. Truly, dear reader, I apologize for my inactivity. Reader, please don't flash anger in my direction. I've taken advantage of not having to sit in front of a monitor lately, and haven't been on the computer much. My skin is dark from the Houston sun. My poop is small and smooth. The sweat in my hair smells like sweet peach.

JEALOUS: Natalie Portman and I rode ATV's through the jungle, feeding sunflower seeds to orphan children, purchasing decoratic rocks for our "Volcano Room."

HAPPY: I'll be spending the summer in a camp in WV, outside and out of the 9-5. My buddies Mook and Machine have tried for years for me to join them...and it's finally happening.

SAD: Nirvana songs are getting played on Mix 96.5. The same station that plays Jon Mayer and Avril Lavigne. Is Nirvana now considered easy listening? Am I seriously getting that old?

Once again, I am sorry dear reader, for the inactivity. I'll post as much as I'm able throughout the summer, but will for sure get back to the heavy posting like the olden days. Do you remember the olden dayz? You would post, and I would post, and we would comment and laugh. EVERY day? And we were a community of internet friends? Soon, reader, soon.

P.S. Somebody in Houston put a baby in a microwave.

USC-YA

2007-04-18T20:02:00.000-05:00

Sure, I felt like the 45 cent dishrag at the dollar store.

I was the hot dog buffet in a room full of fat hobo's.

The weak dragon in a cave full of wizards.

The back hair at a waxing parlor.

The pencil in the back of the drawer.

I was disappointed when I found out that I wouldn't be going to grad school.

For two hours, I moped and dragged, frowned and shrugged. "I coulda been sooomeboday!", I shouted without my shirt on. I cried on bread before eating it. "I'm too dumb to eat dry bread."

"I'll never meet Madonna and I'll never own a robot!"

It went on.

"I'm so un-Fergalicious. I'm the anti-Fergalicious."

Obviously that was rock-bottom. Michael Conti, anti-Fergalicious?

After a few hours, I came out it and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I realized that studying writing in grad school wasn't God's plan. I have a different path.

I'm not sure what that path is, quite yet. I finished up at the CPA's office yesterday. That was ballzo nutzo times three thousand. I'm going to take a few days off to clear the brain out, then I've got to decide my next step. I've never had so many options. I could do anything in the world...Professional Jenga Player, Sushi Seller, Camp Counselor, Advertiser, etc. No matter what though, I have nothing in this world to complain about. The situation in Virgina is a reminder that most all problems are insignificent. I am so blessed.

When I tell people I didn't get into schools, they say "Oh man, that sucks. I'm so sorry." It's nice, but I don't really need to hear it. I'm a baseball guy, and I'm looking at the situation like I went 0-for-4 in a game. It sucks, of course I wanted better results, but there's another game tomorrow. And I'm due for a big one...

3 Fantasies

2007-04-04T20:18:00.000-05:00

The Texas Fantasy:

I'm wearing a cowboy hat (and nothing else). I watch as gallons of crude oil spill all over a naked woman's fake breasts. Mack Brown is there, head-set and all, urging me to "go for the endzone". As I make love (to the girl, not Mack), I hear "The Stars at night are big and bright...deep in the heart of Texas!"

The Egg Salad Fantasy:

I'm sitting in a comfortable chair in front of a large, oval table made of oak. It's a bright room, and I'm smiling. Dave Chappell, Dave Letterman, and Will Ferrell are in the surrounding chairs. In the center of the table sits a platter of delicious egg salad sandwiches. We enjoy lunch together.

The Bitsy Can Talk Fantasy:

I'm at a party with a lot of babes, when all the sudden my dead dog Bitsy leaps into my arms. Only she's not dead, she's alive. And she can talk! She tells me how she liked when I chased her around the couch, how funny it was when she accidently put her face into my sister's mouth, etc. The babes don't talk to Bitsy though, because they are not worthy.

Vote for your favorite. The winning Fantasy will actually happen. Mecca-Lecca-Hiiiii-Mecca Hyni-Hoooooooo. Ya know? I'll use that shit and it will happen. Mecca-Lecca-Hyyyyyyy-Mecca Henii-Hoooooooooe

Back in The H, a list

2007-03-27T19:51:00.000-05:00

Since moving back to Houston, I've:

-watched ghost porn with a group of people in a mansion
-eaten over 200 warm miniature pickles
-listened to a group of old women talk about how "they don't make toilet seats like they used too" while eating a plate of lasagna
-been promised a lasercomb, by my mother
-wrote a short movie about an elevator saleman
-convinced a group of law students that I work at the Houston Zoo, teaching panda-bears to use calculators
-accused 4 people of being gem thieves

I also met with a girl I knew years ago, who kept up with me by reading this blog. I hadn't seen her for a few years, and after talking with her an hour, she said:

"I forgot that you are, like, a normal person. You haven't even mentioned Henry Ford yet."

I guess she thought I was a weirdo because of what I write on here. I felt like I was disappointing her, so I upped my odd level. But actually she was much more bizarre then me. For instance, she talked for an hour about how she was excited for summer because a lot of gay HJs happen at her apartments pool. "I'm going to invite people over so we can all watch," she said.

And for the (n)one of you who care, drafted this fantasy baseball team yesterday:

c- Brian McCann
1- Mark Teixiera
2- Brian Roberts
ss- Michael Young
3- Garret Atkins
of- Alfonso Soriano
of- Grady Sizemore
of- Mike Cameron
util- Prince Fielder
b- Joe Crede
b- Brad Hawpe
b- Michael Barrett

sp- Cole Hamels
sp- Jared Weaver
rp- Jonathon Papelbon
rp- JJ Putz
rp- Solomon Torres
sp- Dontrelle Willis
sp- AJ Burnett
sp- Chien-Ming Wang
sp- Freddy Garcia

Siiiiiiiiiick squad, huh?

A CPAs Photo Journal

2007-03-21T20:20:00.000-05:00

Since I haven't been posting lately, I figured I'd post a photo blog because a picture is worth 1000 words and what-have-you. Also, I got a digital camera for Christmas and hadn't used it yet. So here goes! Let's take a look at the daily life of Michael Conti:

This is a blurry mirror picture of me making an unusual face in a business suit. My tie is a clip-on. Also, a white door is behind me.

It is Screwston after all, baby. Here's a pic of I-59 at 7:20 in the morning. It takes about 45 minutes, 28 lane changes, 6 stop lights, and 1 U-turn to get at work.

I put my Grand Prix in a cage to keep strangers out. During my lunch hour, I eat warm minature pickles and tuna fish in the car in the cage. It's pleasant. And safe. Notice the sleek design and personalized license plate. Babes reading this will email me to ask for a ride in 3...2...1...

Ahhhhh the file room. That's 1 of 3 walls covered in files. Most of them are blue, my fav color~! LoLz! No but seriously, there are a shitload of files. And whenever one is misplaced it's my job to hunt down the MFer. Good times!

Me with my favorite file. Also, if you look close at my thumb you'll see a papercut. Someone call the doctor! WAAAAAAAAAA!

Here is the hungry robot. Robot Model 120-2. Notice the grey buttons and multi-slotted vent. Put what you'd like in the large hole...the robot is always hungry.

Shredded papers demolished by the hungry robot! Horatio, No! Por Favor! The horror!

Olmec

2007-03-17T19:34:00.000-05:00

Does anyone remember the bear brownie commercials? Basically this cartoon bear was the mascot of some hostess-type packaged brownies. And they had these shitty commercials where this goofy bear wearing clothes would eat a lot of brownies. And the companies shtick was that a bear took a bite out of every brownie. The commercial showed this asshole bear near the assembly line biting every single brownie that came off. I hated that. Why would I want to eat a brownie that a cartoon bear bit into? Basically 1/4 of the brownie was gone, because the shitty bear took a bite. Even as a kid I thought that was the dumbest thing ever. What kid thought "Oh a cartoon bear took a bite out of this brownie already. I'm having fun now." I hate when animals eat my food. Sometimes my now dead dog Bitsy would steal food from me when I wasn't looking. I got furious, not more famished.

The only creature that I want eating my food is Olmec, from Legends of the Hidden Temple. He was that rock face that taught us about history. That Olmec was awesome. His eyes were red and his mouth moved. A rock with a mouth? Are you kidding me? That's awesome. Do you think he just ate pebbles or could I feed him bread too? He has a mouth, so he must have to eat. All things with mouths have to eat. I loved that Olmec. He would talk about Benjamin Franklin and bifocals. Then kids would climb a rope over a foggy swimming pool. The host of that show was a definite douche, but Olmec rocked. Ha! A pun! Olmec rocked! PunFun! Olmec would be a good name for a child. If I marry a Morman and have a boatload of kids, eventually I'll get to Olmec. Here is my current child-name order:

Topper Conti
Cavan Conti
Conti Conti
Robot Conti
Olmec Conti
Hakeem Conti
Moustachio Conti
Bernard Conti

Hopefully I get to at least Olmec.

It has been 25 years since my last Confession

2007-03-08T20:31:00.000-06:00

My mind as I waited in line at church to confess my sins to a priest:

"Tell him you drowned a midget."

"No! No! I'm in church trying to be serious here. Please leave. Okay...so what should I tell him? About how I stole a book in 3rd grade?"

"Say that you put poison in the salad dressing of an old people's home."

"Shit man, leave me alone! I'm trying to focus. Leave!"

"That chick waiting in that line is kinda hot. I'd like to sin some with her."

"Yeah, she is kinda hot....wait..wait...church...church...confessions."

"Tell the priest about your blog and about how you write weird things on it. About how you lie and cuss and judge. How you wouldn't want your grandma to read it."

"Yeah okay. I'm going to tell God about my blog. You loser. Leave me alone so I can think of real shit to say."

"Why is that 10 year old here? What could he possibly have to confess? That he's one of those kids who's sleeping with his teacher?"

"Man you can't be thinking those things now. This is church! The Almighty is listening in!"

"He's about to forgive you. Might as well get some sins out...clear the system and all that shit."

"Actually. I guess you're right. Ballsack. Fuck. Shit. Suck or fuck a duck with luck."

"Feel better?"

"No."

"Well you're on...the lady in front of you is crossing herself and getting up. It's about time with that broad. She took forever."

"Here goes. Be quiet for a minute."

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned..."

Rodeo Time

2007-03-01T21:17:00.000-06:00

Posted on Craigslist (Men Looking for Women): http://houston.craigslist.org/m4w/286937626.html

Need a date for the rodeo! - 25 (Houston)

Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here
Date: 2007-03-01, 9:15PM CST

Hello lady-Houstonians! My name is Mike and I'm looking for a hot date to the rodeo. I'm 25, attractive, rich, and friendly. I have a pair of front row seats to the rodeo, but don't have anyone to go with! So I'm looking for someone who's around my age, fun-loving, and likes to have a few drinks! Email me with pics and tell me about yourself.

One situation, though...I am EXTREMELY allergic to horses. If I'm within a few hundred yards of a horse I break out in a terrible body rash. My skin turns red and my eyes bulge. I itch and gargle. Now obviously there are horses at the rodeo, so I WILL have a reaction on the date. But I love the rodeo too much to miss it! I just want to be a cowboy! HeHeHaw!

When the reaction happens, I'll need you to rub a special lotion on me. THIS IS NOT A SEXUAL RUB. I just need you to lotion up the irritation while we watch the show. No big dealio, right? So email me! Can't wait to hear from you!

Responses:

From Jillian--

Love to go, but I will make sure you take Clariton. Send a pic.

Pack Your Bags

2007-02-28T13:14:00.000-06:00

Despite my current CPA status and my future aspirations of filmmaking, I'll always be an advertiser at heart. And of course, no matter where I live or love, I'll always be a Houstonian. That's why I became quite excited when I read that the City of Houston is looking for a new advertising campaign to promote tourism. The city wants people to visit, even when they don't have too. With my ADV expertise and Houston pride, I figure I'm perfect for the job.

Now, Houston is a hard sell. It just doesn't have the attraction as other large cities like New York (shopping, shows, prostitution), Los Angeles (Hollywood, weather, prostitution), Chicago (cold prostitutes on trains), or even Texas counterparts San Antonio (Alamo prostitues) and Dallas (gay AIDS prostitution). I'd have to get creative with my approach.

Why don't more people visit this city?, I asked myself repeatedly while brainstorming. It's because they haven't heard about the city from the horse's mouth! Most tourism commercial are lame pictures of city landscapes and dopey smiley familes. Let's get honest! Put me in front of a camera and let me work.

Here's the campaign I came up with:

Hi, I'm Michael Conti, a proud Houstonian. Do you like strip clubs, rap music, or cowboy rodeos? (pause) What about outer space exploration? If yes, to any, then visiting Houston may be for you. (firm point at camera) Visit Houston...Why Not?

Hi, I'm Michael Conti, a proud Houstonian. Are you tired of small town living? Annoying roosters and unimportant farms? Why not visit Houston...It's huge! (pause) Seriously, it's a huge city (hold up hands to show large size, like a fish story) Huge. Visit Houston...Why Not?

Hi, I'm Michael Conti, a proud Houstonian. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever eaten at a restaurant? Oh, you have? (look of sadness) Well have you ever eaten at a GREAT restaurant? Oh really, you have? (look of slight frustration) Well have you ever eaten at a great restaurant in Houston? (pause) Ahh-Ha! (look of satisfaction) Visit Houston...Why Not?

I'd audio blog these for ear stimuli, but apparently audioblogging is no more. You'll have you use your mind to visualize these until the city okay's the campaign and we film the thing. Can't wait to see you here!

Mandue 4 You

2007-02-22T09:32:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't posted lately. I've been very busy the last week, mainly attending mandue parties. For chicks and unpopular gents, a mandue party is where a bunch of men stand around a bowl of cheese. The men dip breads in the cheese, and talk about MANDOM. It's a lot like Girls Nite Out, without the margaritas or vaginas.

Last night Ahmed had a Mandue Party. Some pretty cool dudes were there, and we got to talking. You know us what us MEN talk about.

"Haha this cheese is so good I could stick my crank in it!"

MANDUE TIME

"What would happen if chicks ran NASCAR?"

MAN TALK

One dude is flying to Slovenia to visit a chick.

"Is Slovenia even a real country, dude?"

"Yeah, dude, it is."

"Why are you going all the way to Slovenia for a chick, anyways?"

"She has a pair of C's, dude."

DUDE CHIT, DUDE CHAT

If you want to throw you own mandue party, here is what you'll need:

1. penis
2. cheese

You'll be Mandoing in no-time.

A New Hair-Do on V-Day

2007-02-14T19:50:00.000-06:00

POSTED ON CRAIGSLIST HOUSTON---
http://houston.craigslist.org/m4w/278886327.html
-------

I don't regret it. - 25 (SW Houston)

Reply to: pers-278886327@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-02-14, 7:42PM CSTA

25 year old man, here. This morning I broke up with my girlfriend. Last night I dyed my pubic hair red w/pink highlights. I thought it would be a nice Valentine's Day surprise for my girlfriend. This morning when she saw my piece, she started using words like "freak" and "carnival scary" and broke up with me.

So now I'm looking for a new woman. Does Ronald McDonald get you sexually curious? Do you wish you could date a man troll-doll? Then I may be for you. Shaving leaves bumps and itches, so I'll be "red-head" for a while. The rest of my man hair is normal colored. Please understand.

Email me if you're interested in talking more. Thank you.
-----------

Responses:

Hi . . .ummm . . . can I ask why there needed to be pink highlights? The red just didn't say "Surprise, Valentine!!!!" enough for you? :)

jen

FREE THE REEZ

2007-02-10T12:56:00.000-06:00

A FEW OF MY FRIENDS WENT TO NEW ORLEANS THIS WEEKEND TO CELEBRATE MARDI GRAS. EARLY FRIDAY NIGHT, TWO OF THEM WERE ARRESTED. DETAILS ARE SKETCHY, BUT APPARENTLY THE REEZ (FEATUTRED ABOVE) WAS ARRESTED FOR SLAPPING A POLICE HORSE. HE IS BEING CHARGED FOR ANIMAL CRUELITY. WHILE BEING ARRESTED, AHMED INTERFERRED AND WAS ALSO TAKEN TO JAIL. THEY SPENT THE NIGHT IN POLICE CUSTODY AND HAVE NOT YET BEEN RELEASED. APPARENTLY THE REEZ'S BAIL HAS BEEN SET AT $815. AHMED SHOULD BE FREED SHORTLY. FREE MY FRIENDS! FREE THE REEZ! LOOK AT HIS FACE. DOES HE LOOK LIKE THE TYPE WHO WOULD HARM AN ANIMAL?

FREE THE REEZ! FREE THE REEZ! FREE THE REEZ!

(ALTHOUGH THIS SOUNDS LUDICROUS AND IS EERILY SIMILAR TO THE CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. I'VE BEEN ON THE PHONE WITH REEZ'S BROTHER MOOKIE THIS MORNING TRANSFERING $$$ SO HE CAN MAKE BAIL. I'M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD BE CONCERNED OR LAUGH. I GUESS I'LL DO BOTH)

FREE THE REEZ! FREE THE REEZ! FREE THE REEZ!

TGIF with Steve Urkel

2007-02-09T13:34:00.000-06:00

The great thing about performing mundane tasks for hours on end is that it gives your mind time to create. For instance, I was in my 4th hour of filing when I came up with this joke:

What did Henry Ford say to the supermodel?

T.

Hahaha! I seriously laughed internally for 5 minutes after that doozy. Alright, I need to get back to work. I just wanted to tell you that joke. More later. See ya.

-------
Cutting room floor material:

Why does Henry Ford play Oregon Trail so much?

So he can ford the river.

What's Henry Ford's favorite body-part?

The T-Bone

Surprisingly, there are other Henry Ford jokes out there.

Where's the puss?

2007-02-05T19:30:00.000-06:00

I took a job working for a CPA through the tax season. It's perfect because the gig runs through April, which is when I'll hear back from film schools. If I get good news, I'll be able to take off to whatever school I choose. If school doesn't work out, I'll be able to look for a career job without breaking any commitments.

My first day was last Thursday. Since CPAs are a bunch of old nerds, I walked in like I owned the place.

"The Alpha is here," I said, as I swung open the office doors. "I don't have to wear a pocket protector or anything, do I?"

After a few minutes of dazzling the receptionist, I was introduced to the rest of the office. I was 6 or 7 people in when I realized something was wrong.

"Wait a minute. These are my co-workers? Where are the hotties?"

"The what?"

"The hotties! You know, the babes. The chicks. The puss!"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about."

"My last office had hotties in it! Sexi's in their 20's, with bosoms and smiles! These people are in their 30's! What is this, eharmony? I want a hotice, not a fugice!"

"I don't...are you joking?"

"I knew I should have brought my porn posters. Arrrgghhhhhh!"

After that I was introduced to the file room, where I'll be spending 8 hours a day for the next 5 fortnights (10 weeks for all you mathless, vocabless fucks). There were about 300 folders waiting for me to file, so I jumped right in.

For some reason the files were organized alphabetically, which upon arrival I decided was not efficient. So I took initiative, and reorganized the whole room. Instead of the alphabet, I organized files according to Initial Appearance Importance Assesment (the IAIA system). I threw out over 200 files that looked unimportant or unlucky. The rest were mixed and mashed into boxes, crates, and "hidden zones". It was a tough assignment, but I wanted to show those CPAs that I was a go-getter.

Another aspect of my job is shredding. I sit in a chair and feed millions of sheets into a paper shredder. While I find filing tedious, I rather enjoy shredding. It's a lot like feeding a hungry robot. Also, I don't want any terrorist CPA's getting their hands on these documents. What if I misshred and a CPA version of Osama takes advantage? I couldn't live with that. Leave no paper behind.

wait for it

2007-01-31T14:17:00.000-06:00

Holy Henry, I got a job. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO INTERVIEW TO GET THIS JOB. I just dialed a phone number and said my name. MICHAEL CONTI. That's all it took. Next thing I know I have a job and I'm buying slacks with my mum.

An older black man helped me at the department store. "Young man. Try these on." he'd say while my mother nodded in agreement. Those two had me try on 50 pairs of slacks! Boy o boy! I broke a sweat from extending and zipping, folding and hanging.

Cut me some slacks, won't you?

Haha, comic gold! I want to tell that joke to a bunch of children. Their tiny laughs would raise my spirits and invade my lungs with goodspirit. I wouldn't smile at the children. Only inhale them as their laughs continued.

I work in a large blue building off of Chimney Rock. Won't you stop buy? Bring me a calzone or a pierogie and wish me luck at my new position. Perhaps you could comment on my slacks. Buy me a gift or kiss me on the mouth. It would be the right thing to do.

Also, could someone sign me up for eharmony, so I can start dating women in their 30's? Thanks.

Cocky Shopkeeps

2007-01-25T14:13:00.000-06:00

I hate cocky shopkeeps, with their "Smile! You're on Camera!" signs. I'm not going to steal your shit, you cocky shopkeep. You probably don't even have a camera, asshole. You just think you're smarter than your customers.

"I know. I'll put this sign up, and everyone will THINK I have hidden cameras looking for shoplifters. This idea will keep theft down, AND save me from buying an expensive camera system."

What an asshole shopkeeper. Those signs make me want to steal from your shop, shopkeep. Smile! :) I'm about to rob your place. You cocky shopkeep, you.

The Longest Post

2007-01-22T16:49:00.000-06:00

My birthday was enjoyable. I met with a man wearing a safari vest. He hadn't shaved, and peered at me quietly. He was thinking about hiring me, and needed to meet with me. His first question, for some reason, stumped me:

"So, tell me about yourself."

"What? Oh, um, I don't know. I'm a good guy. Ya know? And, uh, it's my birthday."

Apparently that wasn't a good enough answer. He looked at me confused, and urged me to go on. I began to get defensive. What did he want to know? How many sexual partners I've had? My cavity count? My inner-most fears? Which one of my close friends I secretly want to hurt? Well who the hell did this guy think he was? God? My therapist? No, no, I wasn't having it.

"You can go to hell, buddy. You're not going to get another peep out of me."

I pointed at his vest firmly and stood up.

"You think I need this chicken-shit bull-shit on my b-day, bud? Well you can go to hell!"

I stormed out of the interview, forming my hand like a pistol to intimidate the receptionist.

Actually, that didn't happen. I just told the guy that I like basketball and music, or some platitude like that. It was a decent enough interview, I suppose. Later that I night I met my buds for some beers. We drank and laughed and smiled.

Last to the car, pays at the bar!

The real partying didn't start until the weekend though. I went out with some guys, as we attempted to talk, touch, flirt, smile, and smooch with some girls. I was looking quite dashing, with a brown jacket and a slick hairdo.

At one point during the night, 2 big-breasted green-eyed ladies approached me.

"Hey sexy, we noticed you from across the bar. What's your name, how much money do you make?"

I said nothing after hearing the money question. Instead, I smirked and pulled my car keys out of my pocket. They saw my PONTIAC GRAND PRIX key, and began to giggle. Their eyes lit up and they asked if they could get a ride home.

Actually I was so shocked that they asked me how much I made, that I told them the truth. Not much now, but a whole lot soon. I don't know why I didn't lie to those whores. "6 dig, toots." etc. Ah, well.

The next day my family and I volunteered at a Habitat for Humanity house. I arrived and immediately ate delicious pizza. That's the thing about volunteering...there's usually pizza. Why not take advantage and eat as much as possible? Since I'm tall, I was asked to paint the ceiling of the house. "Be our Michelangelo, Michael" they said. I channeled my inner angelo, and did an excellent job. I feel pride knowing that when the children of that house stretch their neck, they'll see my work. My ceiling. It's beautiful, isn't it?

There it is. Sorry about the inactivity, there. I'm getting adjusted to my new life, and now feel comfortable enough to blog on a regular basis. So please come back, ya hear?

25 is alive

2007-01-15T14:05:00.000-06:00

Holy shit tomorrow is my birthday and it's cold outside. Of course my birthday would be the one day of the year where it's below freezing and sleeting. Everyone is saying to wrap your pipes and stay indoors. Why couldn't I stay in my mom's womb until March? That was a shitty infant mistake on my part.

Also tomorrow I have a job interview. The should automatically hire me because it's my birthday. Actually I should get a raise. I'm going to tell them that. Uh yeah, it's my birthday so I'm going to get hired and I also deserve a raise. Match my 401k, bitches! And where's my cake?

I am going to jump in the pool tomorrow. It will be freezing and painful, but I want to do it. Since no one will be sucking my balls, I might as well shrink them into my stomach. ADOUBLE WHAMMY!

Hey maybe tomorrow I'll join myspace and you guys can send me those really cheesy, sparkly messages saying "Happy Birthday!" with a pair of lips or a part-woman/part-butterfly clip art on it. Who I'd like to meet? Someone who hates those things as much as I do.

1906
Clement Greenberg was born on January 16, 1906
He said: All profoundly original art looks ugly at first

MRC, Employee

2007-01-10T14:43:00.000-06:00

I'm looking for a job here in Houston, and it has me thinking about what I'd like to do for the next 6 months. Here are the positions I'm aiming for:

Water Watcher-- Someone pays me to watch a body of water. In an official journal, I'll record all pirate sightings, sea monster encounters, bass gas, fin spottings, drift wood counts, oil rig changes, etc.

Breast Watcher -- Someone pays me to watch a bunch of breasts. In an official journal, I'll record all jiggles, nipple slips, areola flubs, bra textures, silicone sightings, tit-bits, etc.

Important Button Pusher -- Someone pays me to press big, red, shiny buttons all day while rock music plays.

Thrower of Styrofoam Bricks at Toddlers -- Someone pays me to throw styrofoam bricks at toddlers (sounds fun).

Virgin Supermodel Gigolo -- Virgin Supermodels pay me for top-shelf romance, sexual feelings, etc.

Those are my Top 5. Can anyone help me with this? I'm a hard worker with a positive attitude. I have a firm handshake and am rarely late. My hair smells like vanilla and my chest hair is minimal. Please hire me.

Chemicals, City

2007-01-08T16:07:00.000-06:00

Today there was a chemical spill in Sugar Land. One of those big 18-wheelers opened up and a huge chemical cloud formed over my great city. I could feel the chemicals in my throat, and new it was up to me to save the city.

The news warned that people should stay inside. But I'm not people. I'm Michael Conti. I did the first thing that came to find. The action that I find most productive when something chaotic is taking place. I got in my car and drove as fast as possible. I drove immediately to the chemical cloud. There I rolled down my window and started shouting loudly. I got out my pistol, and started shooting at the chemical cloud.

The funny thing is, this cloud looked like a normal run-of-the-mill cloud. The type of cloud that you point at and smile while it covers the sun. The type of cloud a pair of lovers could gaze at. I had to remind myself that this cloud had deadly chemicals in it. That this cloud was NOT like the others. This was a death cloud. Would this be MY death cloud?

Not if my gun had anything to say about it. So I drove in circles, shooting and yelling at this cloud. This wasn't my first run-in with a chemical cloud. Everyone in the region remembers the Mexican Haze of 1999. No one could ride buses, practice football, jog outdoors, etc. That would not happen again.

After about an hour of battle, the cloud sundered. I was victorious, and children waved at me. A senior citizen gave me a kiss on the cheek and a bald man gave me a rose. I'd tell you more but the chemicals gave me a headache.

For The Ladies

2007-01-05T17:02:00.000-06:00

A Poem for My Lover

Your lips deserve a diploma
I want to work your body with a modern day assembly line
May I explore you like a TI-81 calculator?
I am self-rising flour
You are sugar and butter and oven
Pound Cake
Pound You Cake

Robot of the Week I

2007-01-03T14:02:00.000-06:00

Robot of the Week: Timington the Toyota 9000

This robotic fellow gets this weeks top honor. Notice Timington's stylish, sleek white body and feminine eyes. Don't get too close, though! His eyes shoot titanium acid at his enemies. From up to 20 feet away! Timington likes to play the French Horn and dance at robot parties. His bulky upperbody is perfect for crushing evil tricksters or gays. When Timington has been programmed to destroy you, don't hide upstairs! His flat feet enable him to move up and down stairs! You'll be trapped there, and Timington will easily find you.

3,992,397

2006-12-29T10:57:00.000-06:00

While in grad school, I would like to write Chuffa. Chuffa is a full-length major motion picture that I began thinking about in 2003. The story’s main character is The Reez, a world-renown domino master in the competitive world of domino toppling.

The Reez is a good looking guy with a slight goatee and medium-long red wavy hair. He’s in good physical shape, very lean and a tad muscular. He wears large eyeglasses and always wears a “Team Reez” polo.

In Chuffa, we follow The Reez as he tries and break the Team Record For Most Dominoes Toppled In A Chain Reaction. The world record of 3,992,397 dominoes was set by his European arch-rival. The Reez considers himself the Michael Jordan of dominos, and must have this record. He and his team will attempt to break the record in a spacious convention center arena, where he will set up the most impressive display the domino world has ever seen.

The movie will open with a close-up on Chris, a Team Reez member. We’ll watch as he painstakingly stacks several dominos. Suddenly, Chris slightly mishandles a domino and the camera follows the line of dominos as hundreds fall. We hear panic from off-screen. Out of nowhere a foot stomps down on the dominos, bringing the topple to a halt. The camera pans up from the foot and we see it belongs to The Reez, who has a look of fury on his face.

Chuffa will follow the weeks leading up to the event, where The Reez survives team set-backs and attempts of sabotage. We’ll watch as The Reez rules his domino team with an iron fist. His passion and quirky leadership, however, make the team (and the audience) idolize him.

Finally, it’s the big night. The Reez is anxious but prepared, as spectators and media fill the large arena. The Reez wears an earpiece and holds a walky-talky. The camera also shows us that there is a luxury box that peers over the arena. In the box there are some men that we have never seen before, who don’t seem as festive as the rest of the crowd. The Reez looks at the box often; it seems that whatever or whoever is in the box is the only distraction to his otherwise total concentration. It is no matter though, as the event begins. The dominos fall at beautiful speeds as we race around and watch all the unique domino setups that The Reez has prepared for us. There is an electronic-counter that counts how many dominos have fallen and we see that The Reez is minutes away from having his record.

The audience is roaring, the team ecstatic, but The Reez keeps his cool as he watches on. He then looks up at the box, and sees one of the men hold up a piece of paper as he stares at The Reez. The piece of paper has “Chuffa” written on it, and nothing else. The Reez is frozen for a moment, and his face becomes incredibly serious. Slowly, in a very drawn out statement, The Reez utters “Make it look like an accident” into his walky-talky. The Reez says this while the camera is on his face, which is now without much expression. Through his glasses, we see the reflection of the domino counter, which continues to rise...

Happy Holidays

2006-12-23T11:59:00.000-06:00

Christmas! When families come together to celebrate Henry For...err Jesus' birth. I am lucky enough to be visiting the actual birthplace of Jesus. That's right, I'm in Houston. Many years ago Jesus was born from the Water Tower off of I-59. The three wisemen- Sam Houston, Craig Biggio, and Hakeem Olajuwon- celebrated and cheered.

Hey, I just finished reading the greatest book of all time. A CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES. That shit is boffo. Seriously, I am in love with that book. It's my new gf. It passed up Catch-22 as my favorite. Pandora.com me book-style and let me know what I should read next. THAT'S RIGHT I NEED IMPUT FROM YOU, THE MOUSTACHIO READER.

Alright, I'm about to head to the mall with Dean THE MACHINE Lawless. Everyone have a happy holiday!

Merry Christmas,

Michael Conti/Henry Ford/Ignatius J Reily/Jesus/Hakeem Olajuwon/Terry Puhl/Craig Biggio/Mayor Bill White/Yao Ming/Yossarian

Holiday $$

2006-12-18T17:53:00.000-06:00

Posted under Cars + Trucks on CraigsList:

Pontiac Grand Prix - Deal of the Century - $499999

Reply to: sale-250805709@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-12-18, 5:52PM CST

I would be willing to sell my Pontiac Grand Prix for $459,999.99. I love this machine, but I am need of an ivory mansion. This car has only been driven into two rivers. Often while riding in my Grand Prix, ladies with low-cut shirts will call out to me. "It's the 'Silver Bullet'" they'll say as I drive by at 120 mph.

This car has it all: A/C, bag of 'nades, power windows, engine intensity, etc. If Henry Ford were alive today he'd drive a Grand Prix. No pics available because there's no camera fast enough to snap a pic. ZRROOOOMMMMM!

Serious buyers only. I'll only sell this machine to an American.

Responses (if any):

ManRC

2006-12-14T15:32:00.000-06:00

Everyone knows there are 3 ways to become a man:

I. A supermodel touches your dick
II. Kill an orc with your bare hands
III. Bleed from your nipples

Well I'm happy to say that I'm a man now. Yes, that's right. Yesterday I bleed from the nipple. It happened on the basketball court, in the middle of a pick-up game. I was walking down the court when another player pointed at me.

"Hey, your shirt is red. Is your nipple bleeding?"

I looked down, and to my amazement, saw blotchy red on my white shirt.

"I...I...I think it is."

The gym went silent as I peeked under my shirt for a nipple-check. I ran my finger around the areola to confirm hemoglobin leakage.

"Yes. Yes, my nipple is bleeding."

The gym immediately erupted in applause, and many around me patted me on the back.

"You're a man now!" they shouted, as they cheered and screamed.

I tried not to blush at all the attention.

"Oh come on guys, let's just play some ball." I said, bashfully.

After a few moments the cheers quieted, and we resumed our game. But just before the ball was checked up, I couldn't help to smile. It finally happened, I thought, as I went up to grab a rebound.

USC-Ya

2006-12-12T08:53:00.000-06:00

Fuck or Suck on a Duck. Sorry about the inactivity, I've been working on my applications. By the way, thank God for the blog. These schools are asking for creative samples, and I've turned to the moustachio blog. Here are some of the posts I've been sending off:

-Houston the Hero

-The Life of Todd Conti

-Always Be Closing

-Just Us!

-Craig's List is Fun

-Grand Prix

-The Triecta

Thanks to Lisa Wu and Phil Sinz for making my application so much better. Also, a special thanks to blog world. Reading your blogs and having feedback on Moustachio encouraged me to keep write entertaining pieces over the last year and a half.

Now I party and drink wilderbeast blood in celebration. I eat peanutbutter and smile at the post office. I watch television and stretch my arms. I jump at midnight and tickle decorative candles. Please feel free to join me.

Blog o Bombast

2006-12-04T20:29:00.000-06:00

"Lets quaff and chortle at the pub!," the urbane fuck said to a pal.

"Remarkable! Just what I need to mitigate my migrane!," responded the hedonistic dope.

"Are you certain ale from the pub won't exacerbate your migrane?"

"What an archaic notion! Wouldn't dessicating my body be more inimical than a quick drink, Charles?"

"Oh, haha! I can see the migrane hasn't occluded your sense of humor, Thomas!"

More on GP

2006-12-02T20:33:00.000-06:00

Iamnot asked me why I chose to drive a Grand Prix. Is it the great mileage? The horsepower? Good price? Haha, well, yes, those were very important vehicularly. But I think what really sold me was the bag of grenades that comes with each Grand Prix.

It's an endless bag of grenades, you know. I can throw many grenades, and yet every time I reach into the bag there is another grenade for me to throw. Once I was driving in Central Texas when I came upon a hill that I didn't feel like driving over. The driving up and then driving down is a whole to-do. I didn't feel like doing it. So I just used grenades to flatten that hill. I must have thrown 300 grenades out my window. Very rarely do I get out of the car to throw a grenade. Normally I just roll down the window and chuck. Why unbuckle and stand?

Also, the Grand Prix looks like an American "Silver Bullet." When I'm driving my Grand Prix, I often like to think that I'm driving my "Silver Bullet" through every terrorists heart. I could easily see myself racing through Afghanistan in my Grand Prix. Terrorists would be confused when they saw me in the desert. I would be listening to Tom Cochrane - Life is a Highway.

The Grand Prix also has a great sound system. It comes in handy when my hip-hop club friends and I are in the mood to SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE or SHAKE IT LIKE A SALT SHAKER.

Wouldn't it be horrible if someone came up with a song that went something like SHAKE IT LIKE AN INFANT? That's horrible. Who would sing a song like that? I wouldn't play that CD in the G-Prix, that is for sure.

Thank you for reading.

Soon I will be free

2006-11-29T16:05:00.000-06:00

The other day, for the second time in a month, someone rammed into my Grand Prix. I was sitting at a stop light when a mini-van rammed into my Pontiac. Getting rear-ended is so gay. Seriously. Getting rear-ended is as gay as getting rear-ended by a gay. Say again?

Anyways I got out of the car and started yelling like a madman. "I have a bag of grenades!" I shouted to the woman in the mini-van. "Your mini-van is about to get it!"

"I promise you'll get it once I throw a grenade towards you!"

Actually none of that grenade stuff happened. The woman driving the mini-van was very apologetic. She said she was sorry, and asked if there was any damage to my machine. I checked, and told her she was "one lucky fool of a woman". The Pontiac hadn't been harmed. It would drive another day.

Despite her apology, I was very worked up after the ordeal. How dare she hit my Pontiac? It's an American machine. Sleek and stylish, many say it looks like "A Silver Bullet". Are these people who hit me terrorists? Do they want to destroy my American Silver Bullet? Should I install a "spikey bumper"? There was a lot to think about, and I needed to relax.

So after the accident, I went home and did the only thing in the world that can completely relax me. Guzzle down some beers while listening to "Christopher Cross - Sailing" and pretending that my dead dog Bitsy is in my arms.

6 Suz

2006-11-26T19:38:00.000-06:00

House of Suz wants me to write 6 weird things about myself. Does a guy who blogs about masterbating with ghosts really need to be involved in this? Haven't I revealed too much already? Anyways, here goes:

-I talk to a paper-mache farmer named Goonie on a regular basis. I made him in 9th grade, and he has been with me ever since.
-In 2002, very rarely would I leave my house without wearing a pink shirt.
-One time I was drunk, bored, and lonely, and spent a solid hour calling the Home Shopping Network asking bizarre questions to the poor order-takers.
-An hour ago, I filmed a 2 minute clip of me feeding a carrot/cheese/milk snack to an inflattable dolphin with a moustache (drawn in w/sharpie).
-If you talk bad about the city of Houston, or the University of Texas, I will seriously think a lot less of you
-I only have one picture hanging up in my apartment, and it is of David Letterman

There ya go Suz! Anyone else feeling weird can go for it.

Happy Spaghetti Day

2006-11-26T17:10:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving was awesome this year because I made it the entire day without some shithead saying "Happy Turkey Day!" to me. Fuck you. It's not called Turkey Day. Oh, I get it. You eat turkey on Thanksgiving. That's great. I eat turkey on days other than Thanksgiving, you know. Are you trying to be creative? Is that it? Is that why you're saying that? Please stop. Thanks.

This past Wednesday I went to Lake Charles, Lousiana, to gamble on a riverboat. Since I don't have a job anymore, I decided it would be a good idea to get rich at a casino. So Mookie, The Machine, and I made the 3 hour drive to LA to get rich. We even brought a few bags to carry money in.

Something happened, though, and we didn't get rich. We did eat many free casino dogs though. Also, I befriended an old chain-smoking Korean man who told me he played basketball like Kareem Abdul-Jabar. So it wasn't a total loss. Actually it was a ton of fun. That was my first time gambling in a casino, so I basically learned the ropes. I learned valuable lessons like:

-Slot machines are for chumps
-Most people who play poker don't know what they're doing
-In casino's, alcohol is free and delicious
-If I want to befriend a hobbit, I should sprinkle crackers on its stomach

I just decided that I'm going to use toast for warmth. The next time its cold out, I'm going to put a piece of bread in the toaster. I'll pop it before its cooked too long and starts to get hard. Then I'll wrap the toast around my penis. It's the equivocate of putting on a shirt after it gets out of the dryer. The only prob is I'll need to use a whole roll of french bread, a regular loaf won't be long enough. SEEE YA?

A Nazi and a Hobbit walk into an elevator...

2006-11-16T12:57:00.000-06:00

Sorry about the inactivity, I'm a very busy M'efer. I'm now working part time, and focusing majority of my time on grad school applications. It's a ton of work.

These Grad school writing prompts are pretty interesting. The one I'm working on now is:

Two very different people get stuck on an elevator on New Year's Eve (3-5 pgs)

It's pretty interesting because you can do so much with it. At the same time, it has some easy traps. Right away I'm eliminating the falling in love scenario, the drunk girl hook up, the 'are we going to die?' thing, etc. And at the same time you don't want your writing to sound like a bad joke. A priest and a prostitute walk into an elevator! LoLz to follow!

Anyways, that's my life right now. Thinking about stuff like that. Fun, but a lot to think about because this is the stuff these schools will use to determine if I'm in or not.

By the way, a few schools want me to send in different creative samples. I'm going to use some blog material (along with other projects from advertising, school, etc). Is there anything that you, some long-time readers, would suggest I include? I've pulled a few that I enjoy myself, but I'm interested to see if anyone else has any suggestions.

Thanks!

One time at work I got so bored I googled Google.

2006-11-10T14:12:00.000-06:00

Do crickets have dreams?

I just drank an energy drink so I'm really ready for anything. One night I should drink 4 energy drinks and cure cancer. That's all it will take. Me on energy drinks. No more cancer. Every time I drink an energy drink I start thinking like Henry Ford, Henry Thoreau, George Clooney, and Al Einstein.

Someone just asked me to solve a complicated math problem, and I did it without hesitating. In fact I was rubbing my ballsack while solving. That's what I do when work is slow-- drink energy drinks and rub my ballsack while solving complicated math equations.

The Trifecta

2006-11-01T14:31:00.000-06:00

Everyday I get dozens of requests for dates. Ladies will ask me out via email, fax, Palm Pilot, text message, hand delivery, telegraph, PO Box, or caligraphy notes. They make small talk and ask me about my Grand Prix. "You should take me for a ride," they say while giggling shyly. Often, the ladies wonder aloud if they are attractive enough to be my girl. "Am I good looking enough to be yours?," they'll ask me.

Well, probably not.

You see, I am only interested in girls that have the Trifecta of Attraction. What's the Trifecta of Attraction, you ask? Well tri means 3 and fecta means hotness. So translated, this means 3 hotness'es. Yes, I am looking for a girl who can be hot 3 different ways. "Say, what's the big idea?," you're saying, "Can you explain some more?" Yes, sure, is my response. Let's check out the 3 ways a girl can look good:

Beautiful - the 'wow' factor - and also the most undefined since there are so many types of beauty

Sexy - the 'fuck me' factor - no need to explain

Cute - the 'aww' factor - the girl with the quirky laugh, or the one who does spirit fingers when dinner arrives at the table

A lot of girls are 1 or 2 of those, but its very rare to find a lady with all 3. Angelina Jolie is sexy and beautiful, but not cute. So I don't want to date her. Paris Hilton is sexy, but not beautiful or cute. So no. Reese Witherspoon is beautiful and cute, but not sexy. So I don't want to be her rebound guy. Etc, Etc. Here is a sample of celebs who have the Trifecta of Attraction:

Kate Beckinsale
Natalie Portman
Scartlett J
Jenna Fischer
Kelly Ripa
Jackie Chan
Keira Knightley

So after reading this, you ladies are probably asking yourself, "Say, how many branches of the Trifecta do I cover?" If the answer is 3, please fax me as soon as possible. Seriously...hit me up gurl. But if you DON'T cover all 3, DO NOT WORRY. YOU CAN COMPENSATE!

With slutiness.

Say you have only 1 of 3 with the Trifecta. No worries! Just sleep with the guy you are interested sooner rather than later. Say 3-4 days after meeting him. If you wait any longer, the man will grow tired of the wait game and move on. Would you wait 45 minutes for a table at Boston Market? No, of course not!

If you have 2 of 3, you do have more leverage. Most guys will settle for you. Hey, like the saying, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Ain't that right? You have a fortnight to try and hook him. 15 days and you're pushing it...there are a LOT of 2 out of 3's out there. Just to be safe, make something happen in 10 days. Chili's is a good restaurant, but I'm going to get pissed if I have to wait an hour for my awesome blossom.

And if you don't have ANY of the Trifecta...if you're an 0'fer...well...you have a 45 minute window. Hob his knob within the hour. We are men, after all. Alcohol helps. So do breast implants.

I hope this helps you ladies out! Find your level and make it happen! Woot, woo, wee!

P.S. I'd feel bad about writing this if woman didn't have a Trifecta of their own:

-How much money he makes
-How big of an asshole he can be towards you
-How quick you can get him to propose

See yaa

Updated:

Thanks to readers like you, this post was posted on Craigslist...I'm sure I'll get some interesting responses---

From Raspil:

you're insane.

From Marie LC:

Fuck your Trifecta !

changes

2006-10-30T14:10:00.000-06:00

Some big news from the Conti camp, if you're intersted:

- I put in my 2 weeks up at work.

- I will be leaving Austin in December, and moving back to Houston.

- I am applying to grad schools, trying for Departments of Writing for TV + Film.

I'm in the middle of the application process (I take the GRE on Friday), and will work on sending in applications throughout November. My apartment lease in Austin is up in December. Because I don't know where I'll be in a year, I can't renew my lease. So I'll be moving back to Houston where I'll try to save as much money as possible. Hopefully I'll get good news in March/April, and will be setting up shop Grad/Film school style.

So that's the scoop. And by the way, I wasn't yakking all week. That was just a lie. I was only yakking for one night. You can't believe everything you read, reader. This IS the internet, afterall.

Reason for Inactivity

2006-10-25T10:27:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to say that I'm not blogging because I've been crazy sick the last few days. I'm not taking a blogger break or whatever. It's just hard to yak and type at the same time. See ya in a few...

Media Dump

2006-10-18T15:29:00.000-05:00

My buddy Reez has grown an impressive moustache:

Notice how much more confident and mature he looks now that he has sleek, impressive lip fur. A complete 180 from the old Reez, I'd say:

Check out the first 8 seconds of this clip. Watch it a few times for full effect--

Does that man not make the most bizarre noise at the :07 mark? I listened to it a good 40 times, cracking up all the while. I don't know, maybe its just me...but that's funny.

And speaking of bizarre, my cousin introduces me to Tourettesguy.com--

Again, I'm not sure why this is funny...I just know it is. I watched it a few days ago and didn't exactly know what to think. Then 2 days later I found myself laughing like a madman when thinking about the "Don't talk shit about Total!" part. Thanks Cousin Jake.

Now, a Perez Hilton Impression:

And if you don't know who Perez Hilton is then you are obviously old and don't know anything about celebs. Actually I didn't know who he was until a few weeks ago when my coworkers told me about him. Basically the guy has become famous for doing shit like this.

Columbus, Ohio

2006-10-17T13:11:00.000-05:00

My weekend in Columbus brought sexy back. Look at that picture. That picture is bringing sexy back. Columbus, the city, is bringing sexy back. Me blogging right now is bringing sexy back. You reading this on your computer is bringing sexy back. Riding on an airplane to Columbus brought some sexy back.

Anyways, this weekend I went up and visited the Conti clan. We spent most of the weekend talking as a family, catching up on life. At one point, we sat in a big circle and went around the room talking about our most proud sports moments. I obviously had many, and entertained the family with my heroic tales. My cousin Justin's greatest athletic moment was when he was in High School. He would go to football games and point at the marching band. Can you believe that? The single greatest athletic moment in this poor kids life was pointing at a marching band. Everyone felt so sorry for him.

After the sports talk, my Uncle John started making jokes about deaf people. "What? What?," was the punchline. Some of my relatives read this so the blog topic came up at some point. "Who's that Ajax guy that always comments?" someone asked. "Oh he's a guy out in California. He named his kid Ghengis!" All the Conti's exploded with laughter. "No wonder you two get along!"

When we finished our Contichat, we went to church and then ate lasagna. We ARE Italian after all! LoLz/RoFL! It was a good time...and great to see everybody.

My travels are just beginning though! I'm going to be up in Chicago soon, to check out what the Windy City is all about. It should be fun, and I will probably eat 1-4 hot dogs.

Wet Finger

2006-10-17T12:47:00.003-05:00

Jumanji

2006-10-17T12:47:00.002-05:00

O hi O

2006-10-12T11:51:00.000-05:00

I will be visiting Columbus, Ohio this weekend to visit my grandparents. It's going to be awesome, they have a trampoline in the basement. Do your grandparents have a trampoline in the basement? I didn't think so. Majority of my cousins will be in town so thats fun too.

One time when we were kids my cousin Alex locked me and the rest of the cousins in the basement. I am the oldest out of all the cousins by a few years, and I made the joke that we were going to be locked in forever and we would probably die. Then my sister and the younger kids started to cry. They believed me, I guess. It was pretty funny, looking back. Me, being locked in the basement with the trampoline, with all my younger cousins crying because they thought we were going to die. That's a memory that I'll never forget.

Anyways I think my uncle heard everyone crying in the basement so he went down there and unlocked the door. I think we were locked in for a total of 7 minutes. Maybe we should re-enact that day this weekend. Even though we're in our 20's. Just cry in the basement until Uncle comes.

You know whats cute? My uncle is named John and my aunt is named Julie and my cousins are named Justin, Jerrad, and Jacob. And they have a dog named Jester and a fish named Jella and they believe in Jesus and they drive a Jeep and they shop at J.Crew and they love J-Lo. True story.

Catch me in Columbus.

Cash Brainstorm

2006-10-09T14:28:00.000-05:00

Life would be a lot easier right now if I had an extra $12,000. I need the money for various events, decisions, futures, etc. How could I get the money? Could you tell me, please? I have a few ideas, of course:

-Sell the Grand Prix for $12,000, and then get a gun and steal it back

-Sell myself for passionsex

-Forge Christina Aguilera's signature on various items, sell on ebay

-Sell a nipple to the parents of a nippleless baby

-Invent the Flux Capicator and fly back to outer spaces and various time zones and get a gambling book and then vice versa back to the current age and make bets of sizeable sizes on sports events where I know the outcome(s)

-Discover a cave full of gold

-Discover a cave full of silver

-Charge the 12 people that read this blog $999.99 each for Moustachio Membership

What do you think? Any ideas?

Ode to Zhang

2006-10-03T13:57:00.000-05:00

"Its fur was too thick."

ZHANG XINYAN, Chinese construction worker who drunkenly climbed into a panda's enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, tried to hug the creature, was bitten and then tried to bite the panda back.

Panda Bear Panda Bear, How are you?
I wanna see you, and meet you too!
You are so cute, with that furry little mug
Can I come closer, and have a hug?

I've been drinking, and I'm feeling woosy
When we hug, I might smell boozy
So please be kind, and hug me back
I won't be prepared for an oral attack!

Chomp

Panda Bear Panda Bear, Why o why?
Your bite has injured me and my pride
You are mean and now I am bleeding
A furry warm hug was all I was needing

If only your fur wasn't so thick!
I'd bite you back, the pain would stick!
One day you'll get revenge from Zhang!
Oh well, at least you didn't bite my wang.

Because I care...

2006-09-29T11:00:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking about setting up a charity because I want to give back to the community. This is how the charity will go:

-People from across the world send me pencils
-I pass out the pencils to poor kids

It's my way of giving back to the community and saying, "Hey, Michael Conti cares." It's my way of saying "Hey, I care about you poor kids and I want you poor kids to be able to write down things." It's my way of saying "Hey, I'm Michael Conti and I want you to be able to do math in school."

I guess Michael Conti just has a great heart. Michael Conti cares about the community. Michael Conti is a great guy that cares about the poor kids. Poor kids are the future, and Michael Conti knows that.

Oh and since the pencils will be new, I'll also pass out knives and razors to the kids, so they'll be able to sharpen their new pencils.

oops

2006-09-26T15:36:00.000-05:00

Dear Business Leader,

I have a problem, sir, and I need your advice. Tomorrow my office is having a dinner at the president of the company's house. Today, the caterer called in and said she would not be able to cater the event because of pregnancy complications. After hearing this news, I made the remark "Good, I didn't want someone pregnant cooking dinner for us, anyways. That's gross."

For some reason, sir, the ladies of the office now hate me. It appears my remarks offended them somehow. They look at me with mean faces and speak ugly words to me. It's not that I don't like pregnant ladies. I love pregnant ladies. My own mother was once considered a 'pregnant lady.' It's just that I don't think a woman with something about to burst out of her body should be handling any food.

Is there anything I can do, sir, to repair the relationship between the chicks in the office and I?

Thank you for your response,

Co-Worker in Austin

P.S. If only there were a cooking show on television that went over topics like this.

Cooking with Conti

2006-09-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

I want to create a television show called "Cooking with Conti." I'll be the star and will show easy-to-make dishes for the single working man. Basically, it'll a great platform for me to say weird things about carrots and drop some f bombs.

Things like,

"Don't use too many carrots, or a bunny will hop to you and munch at your dish!"

"Make sure you cut those fuckers up."

"This may not taste good, but at least you'l be able to make it."

"Celery is the vegetable that looks like a penis holder, in case you forgot."

"They say carrots improve your eyesight, but I think Jesus is the only way to clear vision."

"Never cook with oil while naked. It could lead to burns in unusual places."

"Chorizo is a lot like hardcore porn. Dirty, but I just can't get enough!"

I'll film it in my kitchen and it'll look a lot like Todd's Time. I think I'll wear an apron though, but I'm not sure what it'll say. Maybe you could come up with something for me.

And of course, you know what my signature sign-off would be,

"These hot bologna rolls will make sure you don't lack a snack attack - SEEYA!"

Do you have any honey?

2006-09-14T10:37:00.000-05:00

Jesus in Heaven I want to eat some honey with Winnie the Pooh. That guy loved eating honey. He really did. I liked Winnie the Poohs voice. I could tell that he was hungry for some honey. He would get his nose stuck in the pot, thats how much he loved honey. Winnie the Pooh could not wait for the honey to drip down into his mouth, so he would stick his mouth in the pot.

I liked the episodes when Winnie the Pooh would get distracted from a task because he wanted to eat some honey. Also, Winnie didn't have any fingers but he still ate honey. Sometimes bees would get furious at Winnie the Pooh for stealing the honey, but Winnie just didn't know any better. He simply loved eating some honey.

Sometimes Winnie wouldn't want to do something, but you could convince him to do something for you if you gave him a pot of honey. That's because Winnie loved honey, and would do anything it took to eat some. I like that attitude. Winnie had a great attitude.

There was this one episode where the wind blew a baby bird away from her mom. I hated that episode because it made me cry, and also, I don't recall Winnie eating any honey during that episode.

Also that rabbit made me furious because he was always whining. Why couldn't that rabbit just relax? Also I remember he had a stove at his home. I hated that stove for some reason.

The owl was smart, I guess. He read the dictionary. That was pretty gay. If I were an owl I'd fly around at night and eat some rats. I'd move around my neck and hoot when I saw some rats. Not sitting around and look at the dictionary all day.

Nervous pigs were involved as well. I'm talking about Piglet. He was a small nervous pig that always worried about frienship. I wish his sweater were a different color though. You shouldn't wear flesh colored turtle necks. It's not becoming.

Tigger loved to tackle people. He was energetic and brave. What a handsome beast. Sometimes he'd tackle Winnie when he was eating some honey! Can you imagine how Winnie felt? Just eating some honey and then being tackled by Tigger? Oh boy. Those two! What a confident cat.

Eeyore was a sad, lovable donkey. He didn't want to bother anyone. He moved very slow and spoke even slower. You know this, why am I even telling you? I don't know about you, but I wanted to give Eeyore a big hug. Pet his mane and tell him he was a good donkey.

Anyways this weekend I am going to eat a few pots full of honey. Just lick that honey and enjoy it like Winnie would. Steal some fresh honey from the bees. I'll let you know how it goes.

My path

2006-09-12T08:49:00.000-05:00

I have 7 goals in life.

The first is to lick mustard off of a celebrity's face (for obvious sexual reasons).

The second is to get a perfect score on the SATs. Even though I graduated from college, I still fantasize about running to my mailbox, wildly ripping open the test results, and howling loudly on the lawn when I see the perfect score. Perhaps the community paper would run an article on me. "I just got a good night's sleep, ate a hearty breakfast, and did my best!," the genius told our reporter.

The third is for a celebrity to spray Febreze on my exposed ball sack (for obvious sexual reasons).

The fourth is to cross-breed an elephant and a puma. I often stare at an elephant at the zoo and wonder "what if this big fellow had hair?"

The fifth is to invent something called "The Liquid Library." I'm not sure what exactly a liquid library is, but I think it sounds cool.

The sixth is to attack the city of Santa Fe by hot-air balloon. I'll wear a fake moustache and a cape while I fly over the city, and shoot a bb gun at the terrified people below. I also plan on dropping a bucket of hot coals on the mayor of the city when I spot him with my binoculars.

The seventh is to eat my way out of a cage made of toast. Sounds fun.

Gels and Candies

2006-09-07T12:52:00.000-05:00

I had some time to burn at lunch today, so I stopped in a CVS Pharmacy to browse. Checked out the magazine rack first. J-Lo's pregnant. More like Whore-Lo. Easiest Way to Hard Abs! Swallow some rocks. 101 Ways to to Please Your Man. Don't buy ridic mags like this.

Next is the candy isle. Starbursts. Candy for sluts. Skittles. Candy for gays. Jolly Ranchers. Candy for old people. Twizzlers. Candy for boring people. Junior Mints. Candy for Lezbos. Gum. Candy for drunks.

Then I wondered over to the hair department, because I remembered I was out of hair gel. After a quick browse, I focused in on a product I haven't used before. It had a stylish bottle, inexpensive price, and said that it would give my hair that 'wet' look.

I picked up the bottle to inspect it closer. The bottle was blue, so I couldn't see the gel itself. I was curious about the gels consistency, smell, etc. So I squeezed.

I guess I have amazing hand strength, because the next thing I know a creamy white stream of gel was shooting directly at me. Insert Paris Hilton joke here. Anways, the stuff was all over me. It looked like I jacked off a horse.

For some reason I bought the shit anyways. I rather enjoyed the excitement.

That's all. I'm out.

My new favorite

2006-09-05T14:40:00.000-05:00

My new favorite rap song deals with prostitution.

DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN SHE ASKS WHERE THE CASH AT

I've never been with a lady of the night. One time I was leaving the Atlantis casino when a Bohemian woman called out to me. She wanted me to go speak with her. I assumed she was a prostitute, and ignored her.

My new favorite sweet treat is the cinnamon sugar donut.

ROUND FOOD FOR EVERY MOOD

I've had 3 today, and 6 in the last 48 hours. I think its the perfect sweet treat. You can eat them for breakfast, for a snack, or for dessert. What versatility! What other treat can do that? Boston Creme Pie for breakfast? Horific. Pumpkin Pie for a snack? Terrible.

My new favorite technology is bluetooth.

FREEDOM YOU NEED FOR A MODERN LIFESTYLE

Holding a phone up to my ear is so bothersome. Plus I like people thinking 'Is he talking to me, or his friend in California?' Also makes phone sex soooooo easy. Mmmmmmmmmm, yeah.

My new favorite tv show is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

OH MY GOD I WILL SMASH YOUR FACE INTO A JELLY

Second season just ended, hope there's a 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th. Haven't been this excited about a show in a while. I think thesee guys are future stars. Charlie cracks my shit up.

My new favorite number is 50,000.

MOUSTACHIO HIT COUNTER BLOWIN UP

Thanks, bitches. No idea how many people check my blog on a regular basis, but I'm glad you find something interesting here!

I can be creepy

2006-08-29T15:02:00.000-05:00

Posted under 'For Sale: Clothes' on Craigslist---

http://austin.craigslist.org/clo/200540021.html

Need Lady Tops - $20 (ATX)

I am a single male who would like to buy a woman's shirt. I don't really care what the shirt looks like, as long as the shirt smells of boob sweat. The more boob sweat odor, the more I'll pay.

Please respond to this ad with:
-odor rank (from 1-10, 10 being incredibly smelly)
-activity in which the sweat was formed (jogging, badminton, cooking, etc)
-price

*Please no shirts that have held enhanced breasts; I've found that silicone unpleasantly tweaks the odor

Reponses (if any)---

Are you my Lucky Charm?

2006-08-24T15:49:00.000-05:00

'Male Seeking Female' posting on Craigslist.com

http://austin.craigslist.org/m4w/198398050.html

Stunningly handsome 24-year-old male with a cereal fetish. Nothing weird and only slightly sexual. Would love to watch an attractive young lady eat bowl after bowl of Kix, Life, Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios, Wheaties, Rice Chex Mix, Cracklin Oat, and Frosted Mini-Wheats.

Maybe I could be the spoon?

Lactose intolerate bitches need not apply. I like my ladies more 2% than whole milk, if ya know what I mean. Also, I'm straight so no Fruity Pebble emails.

Hit me up if you know how to Snap, Crackle, Pop!

Responses:

Stacey--- LOL i loved ur email not sure if i would be the right girl though

Lori--- Cracklin Bran me UP! lol

Poison Cereal

2006-08-22T16:18:00.000-05:00

I know kids. Fuck, I used to be one! That's how I know that kids love to act kewl and do crazy stuff. They like to act free and be dangerous. I want to invent something for them to enjoy. A kewl food that makes them act and feel kewl.

Poison Breakfast Cereal 4 Kids!!

Normally only spies and rats get poisoned. Kids LOVE spies and rats. They want to be just like them. Why not eat what they do? The cereal wouldn't actually be poison, it would just taste like it. It would look like little pills and taste chemically. Maybe the cereal would make the milk turn grey? Could we do that you guys?

I can just imagine this interaction on playgrounds across the country:

A kid is holding his stomach and looking unhappy but mysterious
Friend: "What's the matter, dude?"
Kid: "DUDE I HAD A BOWL OF POISON FOR BREAKFAST!"
Friend: "Awesome, man!"
Kid: "Give me a high-five!"
Friend: "You got it!"

Our slogan would be-- Kids SHOULDN'T eat this Poison Cereal. Kids LOVE doing stuff they SHOULDN'T do! They won't be able to stop eating the stuff!

I'd have a cartoon rat as the spokesperson. He'd have x's instead of eyeballs, and white foam coming out of his mouth. Haha fun! In the commercials he'd nibble on the cereal and then start to moan loudly.

And we'd put a toy of some kind in every box. Maybe Mr. Yuck stickers? Seeds to plant Poison Ivy? Fake-A-Seizure Kits?

There is a profit to be made here. Trust me - I know kids. Fuck, I used to be one!

Oh no Suzy, not again! Get your own poison!

TGIF

2006-08-18T15:59:00.000-05:00

You know what would be awesome? If you, like, dipped fresh strawberries in a huge pot of melted gold. And then you went to this carnival and just gave the golden strawberries to little kids. And the kids were, like, so happy, and they always remembered it even when they grew up. And then, like, they formed the Golden Strawberry Club. And they met every week just to talk about their golden strawberries and how happy they made them.

You know what would be awesome? If there was, like, this old man who was really down on his luck. Like, his wife divorced him, his kids hated him, and he just lost his job? And then he went into this Indian casino. And, like, he gambled all day and ended up losing his life savings. But then the Indians were really nice to him, and he, like, joined their tribe? And then he found out that he was all spiritual and happier with the Indians then he was with his job and money.

You know what would be awesome? If this kid had a terrible disease. And he, like, went to this new age doctor. And the doctor told him that the cure to his terrible disease would be to eat as much spaghetti as possible. And so his mom made him a lot of spaghetti, and, like, it worked? Like the kid didn't have his disease any more.

You know what would be awesome? If I could get off of fucking work and go have some fun instead of sitting here like a dope.

the h

2006-08-17T14:08:00.000-05:00

My Personal Top 5 Old School H-Town Rap Vids

You'll only truly appreciate these if you're from Houston, since these were the songs we grew up with. But these vids are so ghetto that they should be enjoyable to everyone.

#5 Botany Boyz - Thought of Many Ways

I love this video, mainly because as a kid I played soccer at a field next to the basketball court in this video. There were never black chicks wearing Tommy Hilfiger and dancing in unison, though, when I played. A shame, really. Mo City, baby!

#4 Lil O - Back Back

This video is so bad that its GREAT. Somehow, Lil O has acquired Yoda-like powers and can blow up whole blocks of H-town with only his hands. Also notice the cracked out hoes that I guess are supposed to be hot. Gotta love rapping in front of a fake water wall too.

#3 Lil Keke - Southside

Any video that shows the Astrodome, an ice cream truck giving money instead of ice cream, and obese people dancing has to be Top 3. Also, the REAL water wall (its a big deal in Houston obviously). Transco Tower?

#2 Lil Troy - Wanna Be a Baller

The video is rather mundane but I personally think that this song is Houston's anthem. Last year I went to an Astros playoff game, and Jason Lane played this song before his at-bat. The WHOLE STADIUM knew the words and sang along. It was insane. You play this anywhere in the city, and people go nuts.

#1 Fat Pat - Tops Drop

This was the first rap song I ever loved. I was in the middle of my Soundgarden/Nirvana phase, when I heard this is my friend Chuck's car. I seriously had a "Hey wait a minute, this is awesome - I could really get into this" moment. The rest is history. As far as the video, I don't know if it gets more bizarre then those chicks dancing in the woods. That and the long intro where you never see Fat Pat's face (how artistic!) and you have #1.

And of course- RIP Fat Pat, HAWK, DJ Screw.

Unplain Plane

2006-08-15T14:40:00.000-05:00

I can't wait to see that "Snakes on a Plane" movie that everyone has been talking about. It's going to be a hit. You know I'll be in the movie business in a few years...maybe I could write the sequel for New Line Cinema. Here are my ideas:

"Pictures of Henry Ford on a Plane"

Basically the movie will be an old man screaming without fear for 2 hours. He'll open the overhead compartment and find this, he'll look out the window and see this on the wing, instead of that oxygen mask dropping down this will, etc.

"Poor People on a Plane"

The poor people will be sitting in coach-class, of course, and will be nervous during take-off. The first-class passengers will be jealous and mean-spirited. They will bribe the flight attendants to skip out on serving peanuts and soft drinks to the poor, etc. The poor will remain unorganized and weak until a co-pilot who came from a poor neighbor inspires them.

"Dinosaur Bones on a Plane"

Passengers will just find these large, old bones throughout the plane's cabin. They'll be confused and curious. Eventually, passengers will compete to figure out what type of dinosaur the bones came from. Ellen Degeneres will play a flight attendant, for comic relief ("I'm not familiar with bones!", etc).

I'm in the initial stages of brainstorming, of course, so I'm sure there will be other ideas for the sequel. I think there's real potential here, though. Could someone send these to Samuel L. Jackson?

What's your worst fear?

2006-08-14T13:01:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a nightmare. Actually, its "the" nightmare. I've dreamt it over and over. It starts with me at home, writing a hilarious blog entry. I'm writing a great post about how poor people get confused easily. Like how they don't know how to act at a country club, etc. Then, all the sudden, my computer screen goes black. The computer goes to DOS mode, and in the upper left hand corner I read in horror.

Microsoft (R) Windows 98
(C) Copyright Microsoft Corp 1981-1998.

C:\WINDOWS\Desktop> Its Y2K, Conti.

Then, the screen goes completely blank. Just as it does, I catch a reflection of myself in the now blank screen. Behind me in the reflection, I see another face. I turn around in panic and find myself staring eyeball-to-eyeball with an angry sabertooth tiger. He mauls me from behind, and I scream out in terror. And as the long sword-like upper canine teeth pierce deep into my flesh, all I hear is the sound of a modem.

Being murdered by Y2K and Sabertooth Tigers at the same time. How horrific for me, to think of these things.

back

2006-08-08T12:58:00.000-05:00

I'm back from Canada. It was a great family vacation.

We hiked, biked, white-water rafted, and sea-kayaked. We stayed at hotels that didn't have TV's or internet access. We ate lots of trail mix.

BC was beautiful, and I enjoyed Seattle + Victoria.

No whales attacked me, thankfully. If you're on facebook, check out the vacation pics. You gotta check those pics out, ya know?

Anyways I'll be a bloggin fool again. Looking forward to checking up on all your blogs too.

See ya!

Always remember that you should

2006-08-08T08:32:00.001-05:00

Make it pepporoni

2006-08-08T08:32:00.000-05:00

On Leave: CANADA

2006-07-28T13:26:00.000-05:00

I remember one time in grade school, where my whole class watched an educational cartoon.

The cartoon was based on a busy street in New York. These two guys were having a conversation, both talking about how they didn't like the president of the US. This foreign-looking (read: brown) guy that was walking by overhears them, and runs to find a police office. He finds one, and tells him to follow.

Foreign Guy: Come quick! It was these two here! I overheard them talking bad about the president! Arrest them now!

(The 2 dudes who hate the president have total WTF? looks on their faces.)

Cop: Oh you must be new to America.

Foreign Guy: Yes, I am.

Cop: This is a free country. In America, you can say what you want. It is not against the law to disagree with the president, nor it is illegal to talk badly about him.

---

I think the message of the video that in America we have freedoms that other countries don't have. The first amendment and all that.

The message I learned, however, is that you cannot trust people from other countries. If you trust someone from another country, they WILL backstab you. If you trust someone from another country, something bad WILL happen.

So I'm going to be very cautious, as I head to Canada. Canadians are a very unusual people. A Canadian face looks so similar to that of an American. But the Canadian brain is polluted and foul. I could easily see myself being forced to defend my family on multiple occasions. Yes, between Canadians and killer whales I will have my hands full.

But I'm wise and powerful. I've been training for anything that disobeys my honor. Shield, and protect. Shield, and protect. Duck, punch, twist, stab. Duck, swing, headbutt, elbow. Kick, kick, turn, duck, shoot. Oh yes, I am ready.

So anyways I'm going to be gone for a full week. I'll try and bust out an audioblog or two, but for the most part I'll be blogsilent. But I shall return!

Have a good one!

$250,000,000

2006-07-26T15:28:00.000-05:00

As soon as I make my first quarterbill, I'm going to hire 8 midget businessmen to follow me around wherever I go. They'll wear black business suits and have slicked back hair. I want them to look as close to those real-estate infomercial midget twins as possible. They'll walk all around the city with me, in a formation I determine at a later date.

The midgets will act certain ways depending on what my actions are. For instance, if I am talking with a young lady, the midgets will be trained to act casual and uninterested in our conversation. One will look at the sky and whistle, one will repeatedly check his watch, one will lean against a street post and read a newspaper, etc.

When I am playing pick-up basketball, the midgets will bring me towels, tie my shoes, raise the roof on the sideline, and keep track of my statistics. They will do everything that I ask.

I will never allow these midgets to smile (but then again midgets never smile, so that probably won't be a problem). In fact, when I pass a child on the street, they will be trained to hiss and growl. I need these midgets to be tough.

That is because mainly these midgets are for my protection. I will send flyers out to every business owner in town, informing them that one of my midgets always carries a grenade with him. But which one? The shop owners and everyone around town will never know, which protects me against an ambush.

Plus midgets are so small that normal-sized men will be unable to accurately shoot bullets in these midgets. What good is a 300lb bodyguard when he's shot? With my potential assassin distracted by my 8 midget businessmen, I'll easily escape the attack.

the future

2006-07-25T13:06:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

Please let my wife have magic powers. Please oh dear God, let her have magical wizardly powers like the queens of the rockheavens. Please oh God, let her have a magical wisdom that only a wonderwizard would possess. Maybe with her magical powers she could beam me into a magical wizardplace of happiness via memberfondle.

Please oh God, let give my future wife the ability to make scrambled eggs very quickly and without disease. But she doesn't even touch the eggs o Lord, she instead cook them with her magicmind wizardly.

Please oh God, let my wife have the ability to magicspeak Spanish languages, so she oh Lord will be able to deal with the men cutting our grass. Let her magical breasts glow under the wizards spell, oh Lord. May her nipples be fruitful with magic healingpower, oh Lord.

Please oh please, let my wife have the wizardly and magic capacities to turn my urine into expensive wine, so we don't have to go to the convenience store when we'd like to get drunk, o God.

Please O Please Lord, let her have the wizard touch to unhook my mind from my bizarre obsession with unfunny Henry Ford jokes, O Lord. Also O God, let her wizard finger tap and smooth my hair, so I do not have to condition my mane on a daily basis.

But mainly O God, let the wizardpowers allow her to enjoy this post, and others like it, O Lord. Otherwise, O God, I will become quite bored with her.

Probably most bizarre

2006-07-19T11:54:00.000-05:00

I'm hungry for a twist, twist-a-roo. Haha, excuse me, I forgot that this blog is universal, so most people outside of Texas don't know what a twist, twist-a-roo is. Let me explain.

A twist, twist-a-roo is a caged coyote meat sandwich. You literally eat the cage (it's made of bamboo so its crunchy, but not TOO crunchy :)) along with the meaty sandwich. The coyote meat tasts different, because the coyote was afraid when it died. You can taste the pain - Yummy!

My grandma used to make me homemade twist, twist-a-roo's. I remember as a child she would teach me the secret tricks to how and cage a coyote.

First, cover yourself in honey, ketchup, chicken bits.

Second, pretend like you are injured in an open forrest.

Third, have an obese man hide in a nearby bush.

Fourth, let the coyote become comfortable with your flesh. Let lick, nibble.

Finally, signal obese man to leap from bush with cage in hand, trapping the fooled beast.

Mmmmm! Soon you'll be dining, Texas-style! Don't forget the BBQ beans!

pooooooool day

2006-07-15T18:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Henry Ford,

My nose is red and I feel like killing an Injun. Why do horses still exist? You gave me the Model T, sir. Please kill all horses. I don't ever want to deal with that inferior mammal ever again. Sir, I smile when I hear about the Tin Lizzie. It appears no one will best the engine. The engine is better than 60 French slaves working together. Please notice my moustache.

Signature,

Michael Conti

P.S. Yesterday I chewed on a dime. It was like 10,000 poor people putting their hands in my mouth.

1-2-3

2006-07-13T14:25:00.000-05:00

There are three things in this world that I love---

1. Making a gypsy bleed.

2. Playing good basketball.

3. Making a stranger laugh.

Yesterday, I played good basketball. That means today I need to either make a gypsy bleed or make a stranger laugh. Once I got mixed-up and made a stranger bleed and a gypsy laugh. That was a terrible, terrible day.

So how will I make a stranger laugh today, you ask?

Maybe I'll do something kooky like throw rocks at a sleeping homeless person and then give a knowing *wink* to a stranger who's watching the whole thing. Maybe I'll *accidently* walk straight into a glass sliding door. Maybe I'll get my jeans *stuck* in the escalator and then the jeans *come off* in front of everyone and I run around the mall blushing. Maybe I act thirsty at the doctors office and *drink* a cup of *urine* because I think its applejuice.

Actually I don't feel funny today, so I'm going to make a gypsy bleed instead.

Please excuse me while I go stab a gypsy. See ya.