Holy Toledo, Machine
Several months ago I went to Minute Maid Park aka the House that Eusebio built aka R.I.P. Enron aka R.I.P. Astrodome aka the Juicebox aka Junction Jacks PlayHouse aka the Nonfunctioning Train Station aka Put a Lil HGH in your Orange Juice aka the Big Building on Crawford Ave. aka The Future Tomb of George Bush Senior aka Nolan Ryan's Afterbirth aka Sherrif Blaylock's Jailhouse aka Uncle Drayton's Ex-Girlfriend aka Milo's Cubbyhole aka The Geoff Era Shack aka Where the Ghost of Daryl Kile Pitches aka Zambrano's Worst Nightmare aka the Boner Garage.
|An Exclusive Moustachio Tix Pix|
Why yes. Your eyeballs are working properly. That's a ticket to the "Launch Party", where the Houston Astros unveiled their new logo & uniforms. Chris Christie was the lucky chap who scored the tickets. He invited Mook, Reece, and myself to join him on this momentousness Texas day.
Our outing started like always - with shots of Petron with buxxxom babes hanging all over us!!! We all wore leather gloves and made small talk about how trees are bullshit. Not really, we ended up at the only two blocks in Houston that doesn't have a decent restaurant, and sat down at the lamest bar/restaurant ever. For some reason this place was selling counterfeit Kaz Ishii autographs for $60. It's "queso" was a few slices of Kraft cheese warmed up over an old candle. The only person who hated that place more than we did was the waiter who served us our flat beers.
|Hear No Astros, Talk No Astros, See No Astros|
|Chris Christie, frowning because Lululemon doesn't sell razors.|
|Mook, super depressed because he was missing out on so many opportunities to PDA with his fiance . "I would love to grope Jacqui in this hallway with all these people watching." I overheard him say. |
|Reece, extremely excited because we just agreed to be roommates. A young Astros fan senses the excitement, and joins the smilefest.|
|Finally! We made it to the field! And we got some beerz bc we're brozzz!!!|
|Here's Chris and the Reezce taking a pic in front of the mound. Notice the security guard in the background...the mound was heavily guarded. Because God Forbid someone touch that dirt. "UNLESS YOUR NAME IS CHRIS HOLT OR JOSE LIMA I SUGGEST YOU BACK AWAY FROM THE BUMP," the guard shouted when I tried to reach past the barrier to touch the mound.|
|Mook enjoying some free popcorn. Looks delish, Mook!|
|Is that Bo Porter? Here I am leaning up against the dugout. I got yelled at for doing this. For some reason everyone at this event hated me. I was almost thrown out a few times. It's almost as if people resented me for loving Houston more than them.|
PART II - THE REVEAL
After an hour and a half of free popcorn, half price beers (read: $8 beers), mound watching, and listening to an 80's cover band that kept on talking about the weather...it was time.
|Seeing (but not touching) the mound had ramped up the crowd to a mob like roar. You could FEEL the excitement. Houston was ready for a new logo.|
Enthralled. We're close.
|Houston's finest. Even though they were both born in Asia or France or wherever. These two bleed Astro.|
And finally, it happened...
Yes, that's me yelling "Open up the cage!" and "Wooooah!" and starting a "FOR FREE! FOR FREE!" chant. I like the F U look the guy gave me at the end of the video. Did I mention everyone hated me at this thing?
Anyways, the new logo looks like an old logo. Surprise! We thought we were going to see a NEW LOGO, but we got PUNK'D by the STROS. lol lol. And that wasn't the only old dog with a new trick that we heard about!
A real life NASA Astronaut came to the stadium and started a countdown after an elaborate 'where'd the alien go?' gag. It was so thrilling for the fans to see an engineer introduce our old new mascot, Obirtz the fat Oscar the Grouch. R.I.P. Junction Jack.
|I took a few pics of the crowd while the reveal was happening. This woman looked into the camera and smiled in EVERY single photo I took. I think she dug my Astronaut commentary. Craig Biggio's fat older brother, however, did not.|
Dean the Machine really wanted to be there with us, but he was on the east coast. So I promised him I'd blog about the event, which is why this post has (finally) come together. Missed you at the park, Dean! Here's the handsome Reece explaining the new logo to you...
After all the excitement of the new old logo and the new old mascot and seeing the mound, we decided to head off the field. Little did we know we'd run into LEGENDS...
The fans love Justin Maxwell, who's somehow the Astros 2nd best position player. #TMZ #Celeb #JMax #Legend #Fanz
Wait a minute. Sorry about that.
|THERE he is. Jose Altuve. The Astros finest. Literally the shortest human in this room, which is filled with middle school children, people in wheelchairs, and Asian grannies. I think it's funny that the girl in the middle of the picture finds the corner of the room more interesting than the pride of the 'Stros. I was in that room. She's looking at a wall. There wasn't a TV or anything in that room. She's ignoring Jose to look at a wall.|
Broz. Beerz. Baseballz. Orbitz. Hatz. Astronautz. We're blessed to be Houstonians.