Holy shit, reader. Why haven't you told 400 of your closest friends about my last post. If you would have done that I would have been in the news by now. Are you angry that I sent you to the moon, dear reader? I only did it because I knew it would be best for you. Your face doesn't need oxygen. Trickster scientists are lying to you, dear reader, and you're naive enough to believe them.
I, for one, hate scientists. Why discover? Discovering things is boring and doesn't get you laid. Swimming pools gets you laid. If you have a swimming pool, you're going to be swimming in chlorine and vag. I'd love to see a scientist break down that fact. I have near perfect vision, so I'll never be a scientist. Scientists wear glasses and touch beakers all day. Fuck your beaker touching.
Celebrity news! Lindsay Lohan touches beakers! Brittany Spears is dating a pirate! Frank Stallone is voting for the Eskimo! Donnie Darko has a secret crush on Claire Danes! Chelsea Clinton smooched Tommy Lasorda!
Beaker touching, Ha. That's a great way to refer to masturbation. So is "crushing the flashlight."