My new title is Alpha-Ambassador. Take note.

Why the fuck doesn't google pay me? Fuck google. Fuck altavista. Fuck you, reader. You readers all piss me off. Always reading. With your dumbass eyes. Why don't you read in outerspace?

That always irked me about readers. They never read in outerspace. I wish you would all drive to Seattle and get on a shuttle. Do a jigsaw puzzle on the way.

The problem that I have is I care too much about you, the reader. Right now I should be lasercombing my hair. Imagine that. I'd be laying on my blue leather couch, eyes transfixed on the television. Smiling as my hand moved ever-so-gently around my head. Perhaps my free hand (the hand not working the sweet red laser of fertility) would touch my ballsack. Not a sexual touch. Just a 'hi how are you?' touch.

This blog is ranked in the stratosphere. More people probably read your blog. Your blog probably looks prettier than mine. But my blog ranks higher. The king of all kings reads my blog in Heaven, probably. Every cloud in Heaven has the words of my blog written into the airy marshymellow of the everlasting. Praise Jesus! And more importantly, Praise Moustachio!!!

Haha, wink wink. Jesus knows that was a joke. Otherwise he wouldn't have made me so funny. And I am funny. Like the time my ex-girlfriend got angry at her because I told her she liked tennis. She got angry and hung up on me. So I downloaded Brian McKnight - Do I Ever Cross Your Mind? and played it on her voicemail. HAHAH!! That will teach the tennis-loving bee.


FUCK AM I ON!!! This reminds me of 1995. I'd go into an AOL chat room and type this:

+_+_+_+_=-+_______+++VIRUS ENABLED!+_++_+_++_+_+_+_++_+_++_+_+_+_+_+_P+_+_+_+_+)++_+_+_+__+_+_+ ALL CHATROOM WILL BE AFFECTED _)__)_(_))_)_(_))_(__)_()_)(__+_+_+_++_++__+_+_++_+_+

All the chat members would get so concerned about their Pac Bell computers. Fuck Pac Bell and all old computer companies that couldn't survive. I hate things that can't survive. Except for dinosaurs. Dinosaurs would have survived if it weren't for the macro-comet that fucked shit up. God Damn I kind of wish a dinosaur would eat me right now.

I'd put up a great fight, but eventually I'd lose. I mean, fuck, it's a dino, am I right? I just had a great idea of the DinoDentist. The DinoDentist is the only man that the dinosaurs won't attack.



erin said...

damn. you ARE on.

emertron said...

There was something outside my office window yesterday that could only be described as sounding like a pterodactyl. You might want to investigate.

Anonymous said...

Yep, you still got it. ;o)

Steph (old Serenity Now blog)

Mike Calimbas said...

Good to see you doing alive and well Michael!

I've had a few friends matriculate at WVU and well... they couldn't stop talking about the parties and the women. With that being said, I'm sure you're in good hands.


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Anonymous said...

You, maybe, were mistaken?

Anonymous said...

The intelligible message