Does anyone remember the bear brownie commercials? Basically this cartoon bear was the mascot of some hostess-type packaged brownies. And they had these shitty commercials where this goofy bear wearing clothes would eat a lot of brownies. And the companies shtick was that a bear took a bite out of every brownie. The commercial showed this asshole bear near the assembly line biting every single brownie that came off. I hated that. Why would I want to eat a brownie that a cartoon bear bit into? Basically 1/4 of the brownie was gone, because the shitty bear took a bite. Even as a kid I thought that was the dumbest thing ever. What kid thought "Oh a cartoon bear took a bite out of this brownie already. I'm having fun now." I hate when animals eat my food. Sometimes my now dead dog Bitsy would steal food from me when I wasn't looking. I got furious, not more famished.

The only creature that I want eating my food is Olmec, from Legends of the Hidden Temple. He was that rock face that taught us about history. That Olmec was awesome. His eyes were red and his mouth moved. A rock with a mouth? Are you kidding me? That's awesome. Do you think he just ate pebbles or could I feed him bread too? He has a mouth, so he must have to eat. All things with mouths have to eat. I loved that Olmec. He would talk about Benjamin Franklin and bifocals. Then kids would climb a rope over a foggy swimming pool. The host of that show was a definite douche, but Olmec rocked. Ha! A pun! Olmec rocked! PunFun! Olmec would be a good name for a child. If I marry a Morman and have a boatload of kids, eventually I'll get to Olmec. Here is my current child-name order:

Topper Conti
Cavan Conti
Conti Conti
Robot Conti
Olmec Conti
Hakeem Conti
Moustachio Conti
Bernard Conti

Hopefully I get to at least Olmec.


kermit said...

I'm pretty sure if you marry a Morman the Mormons will have you excommunicated, not to mention that to have that many children, you'd have to pay obscene adoption fees (or use Angelina Jolie's discount card). It would be much easier to marry a Morwoman, or better yet just adopt old show business animals that may or may not be cartoons.

Variant E said...

Marry A mormon? Come on...go with the mormon slogan: Mormon's; betcha can't marry just one! Go can mormon old school here and build yourself a harem.

Anonymous said...

A river has a mouth, and they don't eat ;)

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