It has been 25 years since my last Confession

My mind as I waited in line at church to confess my sins to a priest:

"Tell him you drowned a midget."

"No! No! I'm in church trying to be serious here. Please leave. Okay...so what should I tell him? About how I stole a book in 3rd grade?"

"Say that you put poison in the salad dressing of an old people's home."

"Shit man, leave me alone! I'm trying to focus. Leave!"

"That chick waiting in that line is kinda hot. I'd like to sin some with her."

"Yeah, she is kinda hot....wait..wait...church...church...confessions."

"Tell the priest about your blog and about how you write weird things on it. About how you lie and cuss and judge. How you wouldn't want your grandma to read it."

"Yeah okay. I'm going to tell God about my blog. You loser. Leave me alone so I can think of real shit to say."

"Why is that 10 year old here? What could he possibly have to confess? That he's one of those kids who's sleeping with his teacher?"

"Man you can't be thinking those things now. This is church! The Almighty is listening in!"

"He's about to forgive you. Might as well get some sins out...clear the system and all that shit."

"Actually. I guess you're right. Ballsack. Fuck. Shit. Suck or fuck a duck with luck."

"Feel better?"


"Well you're on...the lady in front of you is crossing herself and getting up. It's about time with that broad. She took forever."

"Here goes. Be quiet for a minute."

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned..."


Conti said...

Anti-Religion comments in 3...2...1...

Melissa said...

I thought you were 24? You went to confession in your mother's womb? You should apologize and ask for forgiveness for lying to your bloggers.

kermit said...

so you're not really allergic to horses?
oh, i feel so deceived.

House of Suz said...

Hopefully your priest doesn't have a blog where he lists everyone's sins..........

ahmed said...

Will they let me confess my sins even though i believe in allah?

was it a sin win you mircowaved MY cat?

Ajax said...

I confess that I kind of like General Public.

Variant E said...

I was thinking about all the creeps, idiots, and assholes in various religions. Would you really want to go up to heaven and hang out with them???!!

the pants said...

religion is fun as long as you don't actually give it any credit. catholics give shitty potlucks though. bear that in mind as you navigate the ornate waters of jesustopia.