2.05.2007

Where's the puss?

I took a job working for a CPA through the tax season. It's perfect because the gig runs through April, which is when I'll hear back from film schools. If I get good news, I'll be able to take off to whatever school I choose. If school doesn't work out, I'll be able to look for a career job without breaking any commitments.

My first day was last Thursday. Since CPAs are a bunch of old nerds, I walked in like I owned the place.

"The Alpha is here," I said, as I swung open the office doors. "I don't have to wear a pocket protector or anything, do I?"

After a few minutes of dazzling the receptionist, I was introduced to the rest of the office. I was 6 or 7 people in when I realized something was wrong.

"Wait a minute. These are my co-workers? Where are the hotties?"

"The what?"

"The hotties! You know, the babes. The chicks. The puss!"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about."

"My last office had hotties in it! Sexi's in their 20's, with bosoms and smiles! These people are in their 30's! What is this, eharmony? I want a hotice, not a fugice!"

"I don't...are you joking?"

"I knew I should have brought my porn posters. Arrrgghhhhhh!"

After that I was introduced to the file room, where I'll be spending 8 hours a day for the next 5 fortnights (10 weeks for all you mathless, vocabless fucks). There were about 300 folders waiting for me to file, so I jumped right in.

For some reason the files were organized alphabetically, which upon arrival I decided was not efficient. So I took initiative, and reorganized the whole room. Instead of the alphabet, I organized files according to Initial Appearance Importance Assesment (the IAIA system). I threw out over 200 files that looked unimportant or unlucky. The rest were mixed and mashed into boxes, crates, and "hidden zones". It was a tough assignment, but I wanted to show those CPAs that I was a go-getter.

Another aspect of my job is shredding. I sit in a chair and feed millions of sheets into a paper shredder. While I find filing tedious, I rather enjoy shredding. It's a lot like feeding a hungry robot. Also, I don't want any terrorist CPA's getting their hands on these documents. What if I misshred and a CPA version of Osama takes advantage? I couldn't live with that. Leave no paper behind.

18 comments:

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Conti said...

fuck e mile

Melissa said...

James' mom is a CPA. God I feel sorry for you, having to spend days with a roomful of them.

Tim said...

Having job without the puss is like having a cake without the cake.

jessica said...

wait so is this your way of offering to do my taxes or what....

Variant E said...

Damn Conti, think what you could do on that home fix it station with the reorganizing your home show!!

pbdotc said...

file this under: how to get promoted

House of Suz said...

You're my hero! By the time they realize you threw away all those files, you'll be long gone!

Ajax said...

Don't forget to get paid.

TinaBellina said...

You're so brave. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

Hello! ;)
hey... what unbalanced news!
what do U consider about it?

hans q. bungle said...

this is one of yer 5 best

The Greg said...

Austin has a lot of puss, you should come back.

starlet said...

I went to HR Block today and alas there were no hotties there either. This is a startling trend. Maybe we need a telethon of some sort.

emertron said...

I think you've been a little too inspired by the Confederacy of Dunces.

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Christine said...

When I read the title I thought you were going to write about some gross skin infection. I need help.

Charlie said...

That was a good entry, Mike. Bahahaha, laughing all the way from England.