The Trifecta

Everyday I get dozens of requests for dates. Ladies will ask me out via email, fax, Palm Pilot, text message, hand delivery, telegraph, PO Box, or caligraphy notes. They make small talk and ask me about my Grand Prix. "You should take me for a ride," they say while giggling shyly. Often, the ladies wonder aloud if they are attractive enough to be my girl. "Am I good looking enough to be yours?," they'll ask me.

Well, probably not.

You see, I am only interested in girls that have the Trifecta of Attraction. What's the Trifecta of Attraction, you ask? Well tri means 3 and fecta means hotness. So translated, this means 3 hotness'es. Yes, I am looking for a girl who can be hot 3 different ways. "Say, what's the big idea?," you're saying, "Can you explain some more?" Yes, sure, is my response. Let's check out the 3 ways a girl can look good:

Beautiful - the 'wow' factor - and also the most undefined since there are so many types of beauty

Sexy - the 'fuck me' factor - no need to explain

Cute - the 'aww' factor - the girl with the quirky laugh, or the one who does spirit fingers when dinner arrives at the table

A lot of girls are 1 or 2 of those, but its very rare to find a lady with all 3. Angelina Jolie is sexy and beautiful, but not cute. So I don't want to date her. Paris Hilton is sexy, but not beautiful or cute. So no. Reese Witherspoon is beautiful and cute, but not sexy. So I don't want to be her rebound guy. Etc, Etc. Here is a sample of celebs who have the Trifecta of Attraction:

Kate Beckinsale
Natalie Portman
Scartlett J
Jenna Fischer
Kelly Ripa
Jackie Chan
Keira Knightley

So after reading this, you ladies are probably asking yourself, "Say, how many branches of the Trifecta do I cover?" If the answer is 3, please fax me as soon as possible. Seriously...hit me up gurl. But if you DON'T cover all 3, DO NOT WORRY. YOU CAN COMPENSATE!

With slutiness.

Say you have only 1 of 3 with the Trifecta. No worries! Just sleep with the guy you are interested sooner rather than later. Say 3-4 days after meeting him. If you wait any longer, the man will grow tired of the wait game and move on. Would you wait 45 minutes for a table at Boston Market? No, of course not!

If you have 2 of 3, you do have more leverage. Most guys will settle for you. Hey, like the saying, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Ain't that right? You have a fortnight to try and hook him. 15 days and you're pushing it...there are a LOT of 2 out of 3's out there. Just to be safe, make something happen in 10 days. Chili's is a good restaurant, but I'm going to get pissed if I have to wait an hour for my awesome blossom.

And if you don't have ANY of the Trifecta...if you're an 0'fer...well...you have a 45 minute window. Hob his knob within the hour. We are men, after all. Alcohol helps. So do breast implants.

I hope this helps you ladies out! Find your level and make it happen! Woot, woo, wee!

P.S. I'd feel bad about writing this if woman didn't have a Trifecta of their own:

-How much money he makes
-How big of an asshole he can be towards you
-How quick you can get him to propose

See yaa


Thanks to readers like you, this post was posted on Craigslist...I'm sure I'll get some interesting responses---

From Raspil:

you're insane.

From Marie LC:

Fuck your Trifecta !


Melissa said...

I slept with the boyfriend on our third date but that doesn't mean I'm a 1 for 3-er (or a slut), it just means, okay, it means I'm a slut. But I do think I'm in the 2-3 range, at least.

Ajax said...

I do not have a chance in hell of becoming your lady.

Also, doesn't this belong on Craigslist?

Variant E said...

Mike, do you give a 4 rating if your Trifecta 3 jumps you right in Chillis on the first date?

Leslie said...

Please tell me you did not just describe Paris Hilton as sexy.

erin said...

kelly ripa? KELLY RIPA???

elginroots said...


The Prose~cuter said...

Factor 2 on the Women's Trifecta is not how big of an asshole he can be. If you'll be so kind as to notice, all of the elements on the Man's Trifecta (sexy, beautiful, cute) are positive attributes. Factor 2 on the Women's Trifecta is "How handsome your friends think he is."

See ya.

L'Austin Translation said...

Another Craigslist vote!!!

Bonus points if you throw it in M4W and it's flagged!

I also much point out that you forgot that he must have big feet. I mean, clearly, these are the important things in the male trifecta.

pbdotc said...

you're going to give all the girls a Con-plex

House of Suz said...

I am just as cute, sexy and beautiful as Jackie Chan, so watch for my smoke signals.

House of Suz said...

I am just as cute, sexy and beautiful as Jackie Chan, so watch for my smoke signals.

House of Suz said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rook said...

Terrific, just terrific. This is a magnificent look at the thoughts of a man. I couldnt agree more. You should write a sitcom about this where guys go around looking for women that have the trifecta and sleep with sluts that dont. Put it on hbo. It could star Mario Lopez, Ryan Segall and Seth Green.

Conti said...

Good thinking on the craigslist...here's the link...


iamnot said...

Beautiful post, full of fundamental truths.
I'm a little worried about your list...though I was right with you on 1-3.

Starlet said...

Hey I always thought the womens trifecta was

when I get divorced this will TOTALLY be my trifecta...

The Prose~cuter said...

I concur with starlet. I was having a sensitive moment yesterday.

Steven Novak said...

Kelly Rip has what I like to call the Trifecta of NonAttracton.




Man I hate that fucking Ripa. ;)


Homeperm said...

i think i'm a one out of three. because i totally have cute DOWN. i was relying on that to get me through. also my three for men = tall. broad shouldered. employed. but a close 4th seems to be your second point.

Tim said...

Marie LC sounds hot.

Tim said...

but not cute

roonie said...

I'm not hot, but I have been called cute and sexy. So I guess I lose.

JetPass said...

I'm thinking your list has to do with hungry women. I mean seriously I've seen more meat on a dirty fork than Kelly Rippa's ribcage. While I think a lot of these women are pretty, and that Kelly's a great mom I think you're making it impossible for anyone to actually in REAL life be on your list. I see you have your standards, but what is so damn hot about you, so what are your 3 Trifecta qualities? I mean seriously are you loyal, extremely intelligent without being overly geeky, kind, sexy, do you "cum" on cue, do you know what to do and where ALL of my spots are? Do you make at LEAST $100 grand a year, have perfect credit, are romantic, love children and give to charities because it makes you feel good inside? Because if not don't apply. Pretty hard thing to measure up to.

You better buy a lot of boy butter, if you’re going to keep up those standards. LOL.