Everyday I get dozens of requests for dates. Ladies will ask me out via email, fax, Palm Pilot, text message, hand delivery, telegraph, PO Box, or caligraphy notes. They make small talk and ask me about my Grand Prix. "You should take me for a ride," they say while giggling shyly. Often, the ladies wonder aloud if they are attractive enough to be my girl. "Am I good looking enough to be yours?," they'll ask me.
Well, probably not.
You see, I am only interested in girls that have the Trifecta of Attraction. What's the Trifecta of Attraction, you ask? Well tri means 3 and fecta means hotness. So translated, this means 3 hotness'es. Yes, I am looking for a girl who can be hot 3 different ways. "Say, what's the big idea?," you're saying, "Can you explain some more?" Yes, sure, is my response. Let's check out the 3 ways a girl can look good:
Beautiful - the 'wow' factor - and also the most undefined since there are so many types of beauty
Sexy - the 'fuck me' factor - no need to explain
Cute - the 'aww' factor - the girl with the quirky laugh, or the one who does spirit fingers when dinner arrives at the table
A lot of girls are 1 or 2 of those, but its very rare to find a lady with all 3. Angelina Jolie is sexy and beautiful, but not cute. So I don't want to date her. Paris Hilton is sexy, but not beautiful or cute. So no. Reese Witherspoon is beautiful and cute, but not sexy. So I don't want to be her rebound guy. Etc, Etc. Here is a sample of celebs who have the Trifecta of Attraction:
So after reading this, you ladies are probably asking yourself, "Say, how many branches of the Trifecta do I cover?" If the answer is 3, please fax me as soon as possible. Seriously...hit me up gurl. But if you DON'T cover all 3, DO NOT WORRY. YOU CAN COMPENSATE!
Say you have only 1 of 3 with the Trifecta. No worries! Just sleep with the guy you are interested sooner rather than later. Say 3-4 days after meeting him. If you wait any longer, the man will grow tired of the wait game and move on. Would you wait 45 minutes for a table at Boston Market? No, of course not!
If you have 2 of 3, you do have more leverage. Most guys will settle for you. Hey, like the saying, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Ain't that right? You have a fortnight to try and hook him. 15 days and you're pushing it...there are a LOT of 2 out of 3's out there. Just to be safe, make something happen in 10 days. Chili's is a good restaurant, but I'm going to get pissed if I have to wait an hour for my awesome blossom.
And if you don't have ANY of the Trifecta...if you're an 0'fer...well...you have a 45 minute window. Hob his knob within the hour. We are men, after all. Alcohol helps. So do breast implants.
I hope this helps you ladies out! Find your level and make it happen! Woot, woo, wee!
P.S. I'd feel bad about writing this if woman didn't have a Trifecta of their own:
-How much money he makes
-How big of an asshole he can be towards you
-How quick you can get him to propose
Thanks to readers like you, this post was posted on Craigslist...I'm sure I'll get some interesting responses---
From Marie LC:
Fuck your Trifecta !