9.12.2006

My path

I have 7 goals in life.

The first is to lick mustard off of a celebrity's face (for obvious sexual reasons).

The second is to get a perfect score on the SATs. Even though I graduated from college, I still fantasize about running to my mailbox, wildly ripping open the test results, and howling loudly on the lawn when I see the perfect score. Perhaps the community paper would run an article on me. "I just got a good night's sleep, ate a hearty breakfast, and did my best!," the genius told our reporter.

The third is for a celebrity to spray Febreze on my exposed ball sack (for obvious sexual reasons).

The fourth is to cross-breed an elephant and a puma. I often stare at an elephant at the zoo and wonder "what if this big fellow had hair?"

The fifth is to invent something called "The Liquid Library." I'm not sure what exactly a liquid library is, but I think it sounds cool.

The sixth is to attack the city of Santa Fe by hot-air balloon. I'll wear a fake moustache and a cape while I fly over the city, and shoot a bb gun at the terrified people below. I also plan on dropping a bucket of hot coals on the mayor of the city when I spot him with my binoculars.

The seventh is to eat my way out of a cage made of toast. Sounds fun.

12 comments:

House of Suz said...

You could tie #2 to #7! The cage would be your hearty breakfast before the SAT!

Tim said...

Yesterday my mom was crying because she was watching Ellen and they had some bit about a lady who died on 9/11 and her list of 100 things in life she wanted to do. Well, Conti, you just brought a tear to my eye with this beautiful list.

the pants said...

no you don't want a perfect score on the sat i've met two kids who had perfect scores and they are the most boring people i have met in my entire life. is that really the fate you want.

the pants said...

also if i ever get famous you can lick mustard off my face. it will probably be there anyway cos i'm a slob.

Anonymous said...

I GOT A 1600 ON MY SAT....WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT PANTS!!!!!!!!

erin said...

WOOLY MAMMOTH

Ajax said...

Santa Fe is really asking for it.

Let me know if you need money for bb's.

TinaPoPo said...

I don't really know what to say, but good luck with everything. It's good to see some young people with goals, that's what Grandpa always says.

L'Austin Translation said...

Thank GOD this paragraph:

The fourth is to cross-breed an elephant and a puma. I often stare at an elephant at the zoo and wonder "what if this big fellow had hair?"

did not end in (for obvious sexual reasons)

Variant E said...

Actually, you cannot score 1600 and be perfect on the SATs anymore. They changed them a couple of years back because they were too easy. Personally, I like to pass the Mensa tests but then not join because like somebody pointed out; they are boring as hell!

elginroots said...

i'd drink my way through your liquid library

emertron said...

The toast cage sounds nice but I'd suggest that you either add some jelly or make sure that you have a lot of milk, because, you know, toast can dry out your mouth. Just sayin'.