Cooking with Conti

I want to create a television show called "Cooking with Conti." I'll be the star and will show easy-to-make dishes for the single working man. Basically, it'll a great platform for me to say weird things about carrots and drop some f bombs.

Things like,

"Don't use too many carrots, or a bunny will hop to you and munch at your dish!"

"Make sure you cut those fuckers up."

"This may not taste good, but at least you'l be able to make it."

"Celery is the vegetable that looks like a penis holder, in case you forgot."

"They say carrots improve your eyesight, but I think Jesus is the only way to clear vision."

"Never cook with oil while naked. It could lead to burns in unusual places."

"Chorizo is a lot like hardcore porn. Dirty, but I just can't get enough!"

I'll film it in my kitchen and it'll look a lot like Todd's Time. I think I'll wear an apron though, but I'm not sure what it'll say. Maybe you could come up with something for me.

And of course, you know what my signature sign-off would be,

"These hot bologna rolls will make sure you don't lack a snack attack - SEEYA!"


pbdotc said...

for sweeps you could shove all the ingredients off the table with your arm and give a rachael ray lookalike a good old fashioned man-pounding.

Melissa said...

I probably wouldn't watch your show.

elginroots said...

i'd watch it.

Variant E said...

Hmmm...apron ideas:

"Do you know where your vegetables have been?"

"Wipe off that vomitous look
'cause I'm the fucking cook!"

L'Austin Translation said...

Wow, so this is what you write after a few beers at Trudy's?

This sort of gives *BAM* a whole new meaning.

L'Austin Translation said...

Oh yes, your apron should say...

"So, what do YOU like?"

"Special sauce my ass!"

"You know, under this apron I'm naked"

"Just like a hospital gown, only less coverage"

"Would you like to see my carrot?"

Starlet said...

I think you should wear nothing but the apron...

emertron said...

You can guest-star in my kitchen when you visit Chicago.

Christine said...

You would put the naked chef to shame! I'd watch it and I'd love it.

How about: " If you need your turkey basted, I'm your man!!" :D

Ajax said...

You should try to work some sexual double-entendre's into your show! Can you imagine? I can already hear the eyebrows being raised!

(aside to Conti: this weekend i'm going to disconnect the regular speakers and go SUBWOOFER ONLY)

May said...

you don't live at avalon, do you?