the future

Dear God,

Please let my wife have magic powers. Please oh dear God, let her have magical wizardly powers like the queens of the rockheavens. Please oh God, let her have a magical wisdom that only a wonderwizard would possess. Maybe with her magical powers she could beam me into a magical wizardplace of happiness via memberfondle.

Please oh God, let give my future wife the ability to make scrambled eggs very quickly and without disease. But she doesn't even touch the eggs o Lord, she instead cook them with her magicmind wizardly.

Please oh God, let my wife have the ability to magicspeak Spanish languages, so she oh Lord will be able to deal with the men cutting our grass. Let her magical breasts glow under the wizards spell, oh Lord. May her nipples be fruitful with magic healingpower, oh Lord.

Please oh please, let my wife have the wizardly and magic capacities to turn my urine into expensive wine, so we don't have to go to the convenience store when we'd like to get drunk, o God.

Please O Please Lord, let her have the wizard touch to unhook my mind from my bizarre obsession with unfunny Henry Ford jokes, O Lord. Also O God, let her wizard finger tap and smooth my hair, so I do not have to condition my mane on a daily basis.

But mainly O God, let the wizardpowers allow her to enjoy this post, and others like it, O Lord. Otherwise, O God, I will become quite bored with her.


Anonymous said...

I think you have an unhealthy obsession with urine! I have read your blog many times and they are all very out there! What planet are you from? I bet you are single.

TinaPoPo said...

That's my favorite prayer from church. We had my great aunt read it during our wedding ceremony. As you can imagine, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Because all the eyes were full of magical wine urine. The prayer works!

erin said...

i don't have any magic powers but that was thouroughly enjoyable.

Melissa said...

So which one of your female readers is the future wife you speak of?

Conti said...

anony- Thank you for reading. I am single and from the planet of HTizzle. I have been thinking a lot about urine these days, but its not at an obsessive level yet.

tina- I think this prayer is a big Pittsburgh thing. That's maybe where I learned it.

erin- Thanks, but I believe you do have magical powers. So you're still in the running.

melissa- I've heard that Natalie Portman reads my blog, so probably her.

Christine said...

Heh memberfondle.

Your wife is going to be smoking hot!

Ajax said...

Wives are good to have. Especially when:

1. urine supply runs out
2. telescope not focusing properly
3. newsboy refuses to 'sex you up'
4. the phone rings

I'm speaking from experience of course.

Hey see you on memberfondle!

Tim said...

I hope you don't take offense to this, but your wife sounds like a slut.

House of Suz said...

Oh, wow, I can do all that and more! I accept your proposal!

Besides, Jesus said I have to marry a freak.

ahmed said...

haha, i almost choked on my drink while reading this. FYI, i'm really happy that your blog isn't blocked over here in saudi, like myspace and facebook is! peace!

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