As soon as I make my first quarterbill, I'm going to hire 8 midget businessmen to follow me around wherever I go. They'll wear black business suits and have slicked back hair. I want them to look as close to those real-estate infomercial midget twins as possible. They'll walk all around the city with me, in a formation I determine at a later date.
The midgets will act certain ways depending on what my actions are. For instance, if I am talking with a young lady, the midgets will be trained to act casual and uninterested in our conversation. One will look at the sky and whistle, one will repeatedly check his watch, one will lean against a street post and read a newspaper, etc.
When I am playing pick-up basketball, the midgets will bring me towels, tie my shoes, raise the roof on the sideline, and keep track of my statistics. They will do everything that I ask.
I will never allow these midgets to smile (but then again midgets never smile, so that probably won't be a problem). In fact, when I pass a child on the street, they will be trained to hiss and growl. I need these midgets to be tough.
That is because mainly these midgets are for my protection. I will send flyers out to every business owner in town, informing them that one of my midgets always carries a grenade with him. But which one? The shop owners and everyone around town will never know, which protects me against an ambush.
Plus midgets are so small that normal-sized men will be unable to accurately shoot bullets in these midgets. What good is a 300lb bodyguard when he's shot? With my potential assassin distracted by my 8 midget businessmen, I'll easily escape the attack.