The Northern Neighbor

One time I took a walk in Canada. Two lesbians were there, telling me to watch out for bears. "There are bears in Canada, and they can be dangerous. Here, look at the scat." Then they poked the scat with a walking stick.

So the lesbians lead me around Canada. We walked up, and then we walked down. In between walks, I would eat goat cheese.

One night in Canada, my sister and I got drunk. There was a band there, and they asked if anyone had any requests. "VANILLA ICE - ICE ICE BABY. PLAY VANILLA ICE - ICE ICE BABY", I kept on yelling to the band. I must of yelled that 55 times. I didn't think they could hear me, so I tried yelling louder.

When I was drunk in Canada listening to that band, I went to the bathroom for urine time. I started talking to the guy who was urinating next to me. He didn't speak English, but I didn't care. "This band is pretty good, but they won't place Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby". I told him I was from Texas, and he muttered "George Bush" before his penis stopped leaking.

Back at the table, my sister was buying more beer. "It's $16 for a pitcher, but it's Canadian money, so that's not a lot." "Right," I said in agreement.

The next day, the lesbians led me to a river. I put on a wet suit; I felt and looked like a fat black man. Then we started to row down the river. My mom was there, and she stood up in the raft. The lesbians took pictures of that.

I ate more goat cheese; I watched Asian tourists explore a glacier; I stuffed granola bars in my backpack; etc. It was a good time. I had a good time in Canada.

So I'm going to go back, to Canada. A different part, though. Vancouver. I will walk in Vancouver. I will bike in Vancouver. I will sea-kayak in Vancouver. We may see whales while we are sea-kayaking. That's the travel brochure rumor. Kayak with the Whales!

I'm going to bring a gun though, to Canada, because I am fearful of whales. Whales are dangerous as shit. Whales are massive and could crush me and my kayak. They could swim on top of me and drown me. They could swallow me whole. If I am among them, I will want to have protection. So I'm bringing my gun to Canada.

I hope I do not have to shoot a whale or a sea lion, but I will not hesitate. I don't know where the heart of a whale is, but that is where I will aim. If the whale is turned so I cannot shoot the heart, I will aim for the blowhole. A perfect shot will devastate the whale and shield his attacks.

Then I will sell his carcass for oil, make-up, souvenirs. I may even make a whale steak, like the Japs eat.

I leave for Canada in 6 weeks. Just enough time.


Rook said...

Why are you going to Canada? Also, sea-lions are our friends. Its the seals you have to watch out for. Those bastards.

Ajax said...

Canada has the best "girls in their underpants" bloggs.

Steph said...

"scat" I like that word. i'm going to start using it from now on.

(Excusing myself from the dinner table...)

"Excuse me, I have to go to the ladies room and take a scat."

Tim said...

watch out. Whales carry guns too. And they're deadeyes.

emertron said...

Woah. I've totally been on a sea kayaking adventure in Vancouver. But it was Vancouver Island. Which company are you going through? If it's Majestic you should ask for a guide named Kevin Bradshaw. He was a good guide. And he really likes The Sugarcubes & Bjork.

p.s. The brochure wasn't lying. We saw a few whales. To keep them away from your boat, make drum-like hands on the top of it.

erin said...

one time i lost my hat to some whales at sea world. i was like 2. i wish i'd had a gun.

Melissa said...

I'm going to buy you a moose pass.

ahmed said...

dude, i'm sitting here in the library and i can't read this the whole way though because i keep laughing out and some asian dudes are looking at me really angrily

Conti said...

haha im glad you enjoyed it Ahmed

nk said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
nk said...

You should befriend me in Vancouver. I will be living there then. I can take you to animals.

Christine said...

Yea, you better bring your gun!

I'm bummed that you're not coming here. My lesbian lover and I would've loved to take you sight seeing.