6.16.2006

Mach-5

Have you ever looked at someone and immediately felt sorry for them? They just look like they don't have a good life, and can't do anything to change it? There is a guy like that here in my office building. He started working here a few weeks ago.

Just looking at the guy you can tell he's not good at sports, not good with girls, not good with the smarts. He's a shorter guy who never smiles, shuffles along like he's trying not to get noticed.

One time I went into the vending machine closet. He was in there alone, eating a hamburger. He looked down when I walked in. I just feel bad for the guy.

Or I should say I USED to feel bad for the guy. I saw that mother-fucker on Thursday. He grew a full goatee in 2 days! I'm not talking a whisky moustache and some chin stubble. This man grew a forest of facial hair in 2 fucking days!

What a man. I was astonished when I witnessed the change. Now I was the one that felt inadequate and lonely. It would take me months to grow such hair. Unbelievable. All this time, I felt bad for the guy who ate hamburgers in the closet. And he should have felt sorry for me! I'm a boy, compared to him. He's the Zeus of hair-growth. I'm just a facial hair nobody.

A shocking revelation from the quiet kid who eats hamburgers in the vending machine closet. Girls probably don't understand how important this is. To compare, its kind of like breasts. The bigger a woman's breasts are, the more important she is. Obviously. It's the same thing with men and facial hair.

So this weekend I'm throwing away my shaving gels, my razors, my trimmer motor, my nook runner, my scissor swords, my sideburn balancer, my moustache waxer, my beard evaluator, and my chin pills. It's time to grow some mother-fuckin facial hair.

10 comments:

emertron said...

Good luck. I have faith in you.

Also, are you saying that if I want to be important I will need to get a boob job?

Conti said...

yes, i am saying exactly that.

Ajax said...

Woooooooo it's on!

Tim said...

Last time I grew a goatee I ruined it by pulling all the hairs on my chin out because I was bored.

Leslie said...

aside from the rapid facial-hair growth, i feel like that guy most days

Melissa said...

Don't worry about Em, if you were to get a boob job, he'd only grab them. What the hell kinda man only grabs implanted boobs?! I mean, you should do more than grab, probably like lick and juggle them or something.

explauren said...

you should tell him how much you admire his facials- it would probably make his day.

ambs77 said...

ok, i'm throwing out all the anti-boob pills i've been taking for the past 15 years and GROWING BOOBS!!

it's on, conti...it's on. (think it will really work?)

if not, i'll buy you a beard, if you buy me boobs? :-P

erin said...

emertron acutally has huge boobs already.

ica said...

whats a nook runner?