Have you ever looked at someone and immediately felt sorry for them? They just look like they don't have a good life, and can't do anything to change it? There is a guy like that here in my office building. He started working here a few weeks ago.
Just looking at the guy you can tell he's not good at sports, not good with girls, not good with the smarts. He's a shorter guy who never smiles, shuffles along like he's trying not to get noticed.
One time I went into the vending machine closet. He was in there alone, eating a hamburger. He looked down when I walked in. I just feel bad for the guy.
Or I should say I USED to feel bad for the guy. I saw that mother-fucker on Thursday. He grew a full goatee in 2 days! I'm not talking a whisky moustache and some chin stubble. This man grew a forest of facial hair in 2 fucking days!
What a man. I was astonished when I witnessed the change. Now I was the one that felt inadequate and lonely. It would take me months to grow such hair. Unbelievable. All this time, I felt bad for the guy who ate hamburgers in the closet. And he should have felt sorry for me! I'm a boy, compared to him. He's the Zeus of hair-growth. I'm just a facial hair nobody.
A shocking revelation from the quiet kid who eats hamburgers in the vending machine closet. Girls probably don't understand how important this is. To compare, its kind of like breasts. The bigger a woman's breasts are, the more important she is. Obviously. It's the same thing with men and facial hair.
So this weekend I'm throwing away my shaving gels, my razors, my trimmer motor, my nook runner, my scissor swords, my sideburn balancer, my moustache waxer, my beard evaluator, and my chin pills. It's time to grow some mother-fuckin facial hair.