I was at a bar this weekend when I saw the most incredible television clip ever. It was one of those 'Extreme Caught on Tape Most Outrageous' shows. I was ordering my first drink of the night when I glanced up at the tv above the bar and noticed the clip. The volume was muted, so I couldn't hear the narrative.
What I saw was an orangutan drowning in some river in Alabama. And this farmer guy jumped into the river to save this orangutan. The river had a lot of rapids and so the farmer and the orangutan just kept on floating down the middle of the river together.
It was confusing as fuck, and I became bewildered watching it. Why was an orangutan in Alabama? How did the orangutan get in the river? Why did that farmer jump in the dangerous river to save him? How was this all being captured on film?
The corruption overwhelmed me, and I began to scream at the television.
THAT FUCKING ORANGUTAN IS FUCKING DROWNING! THAT FARMER IS TRYING TO SAVE THE FUCKING APE FROM DROWNING!
I pointed at the TV with my eyes wide. A few of the other bar patrons glanced up. The bartender came over and told me to calm down. But I couldn't.
The orangutan and the farmer kept on drifting down the river. Finally they floated to the riverbank. That's when things got even more unusual.
The farmer struggled to lift the orangutan out of the water. For some reason the orangutan was positioning himself away from the farmer. He was grabbing onto the river's edge and kept trying to push himself back in the water. That's when the farmer body-slammed the orangutan onto the ground, and out of the river.
WHAT THE FUCK? THAT ORANGUTAN DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE THE FUCKING RIVER! THAT ORANGUTAN IS TRYING TO ESCAPE! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THAT ORANGUTAN?
I hadn't felt this way for a while. It didn't make any sense. I kept on touching my face out of disbelief. There was no doubt that I was supposed to watch that clip. It was no coincidence.
The first and most important C: