Everyone needs goals. Mine:
-Make out with a Katrina victim someplace near the Houston Astrodome
-Eat nothing but toast for an entire week
-Steal money from a celebrity
-Write a book entitled "Num Lock, Caps Lock, Scroll Lock - Say, What's the Big Idea?"
-Jump naked across the mouth of an active volcano
This weekend was great. I went to Houston and enjoyed everyone there. I saw a big truck and I envisioned drugs inside. I told everyone around me that this truck was full of drugs and that we needed to find the owner of the truck and citizen arrest him. Unfortunately the only people listening to me were short people in leather jackets who didn't recognize the urgency in my voice. Then on Sunday I watched the Super Bowl alone while eating pigs sausage.
I like being alone because I get to use my brain. Like when I was alone the other day I was thinking about how I'm not much of a snout guy. And I'm not too high on noses. I like beaks. Beaks are really great, when you think about them hard enough.
Also I think I'm going to whiten my teeth soon, using teeth bleach. I want my smile to be clean, healthy, and obnoxious. When I smile near the polar ice caps I want them to melt and for the world to flood. I'd probably befriend some penguins when I was there at the ice caps.
I just had this really funny thought about a bunch of penguins wobbling around near a missile. I don't think anyone has ever combined penguins and missles until now. Score one for me, again.
That's a really good thought. It's not as good as the best idea I've ever had though. That idea is so good its scary. I can't tell you what it is but it involves an Asian businessman and a trampoline. And a dead hammerhead shark.
My mind is my favorite.