1.19.2006

Wheres'ma-fuckin smokes?

I didn't shave today because I want people to think I smoke cigarettes. I don't smoke cigarettes and I never will. But I want people to look at me today and think, "I wonder if that guy has an extra smoke." I always like how people who smoke cigarettes run out, and have to ask a stranger for help. Today I want to be that stranger. If someone asks me if I got an extra smoke, I'll check my pockets and say something like "Fuck I'm out too. Hahaha." Something cool like that. People who smoke cigarettes are always running out of cigarettes and it always pisses them off. Then they talk about how they are out of smokes but how they really need a cigarette.

One time on Halloween I smoked a cigarette. I don't know what type though. The cigarette was white, I remember that. It wasn't cherry flavored or anything either. Kind of tasted like a forest fire. Are their two r's in forrest? Yes I think there are. I should have used 'there' instead of 'their', huh? I did all of that on purpose you know. To make me a more unusual writer.

All I know about cigarettes is that its required that you smoke them if you are in the Army or in prison. Cigarettes are crucial to your survival in war and behind bars. You can kill a man if you slip the Warden 2 packs of smokes. And you don't have to go on dangerous missions if you give the Captain 5 smoke sticks.

I feel bad for Navy sailors who can't smoke cigarettes because the smoke wouldnt be able to escape in the submarine.

One time I found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on my way home from middle school. They were hidden near a tree. Someone was hiding them there to enjoy after school. Finderskeepers, I took the lighter. I was telling the story the next day at school when a cute girl who smokes said "Why didn't you smoke the cigarettes? You got scared." I said "No. The cigarettes were wet." She said "Oh".

I lied - the cigarettes weren't wet. But I wanted to deny her attack. I don't know anything about cigarettes but I know a wet cigarette is not a good cigarette. She did not question me after that. No one questions a wet cigarette. That's a lesson I learned early.

There is money to be made in cigarettes though. If I could I'd invent the last-forever cigarette. It's a cigarette that lasts for ever. Can you smokers imagine that? No more running out of cigarettes. No more embarrassing littering fines for incorrect butt disposable. No more kissing a grungy man just for a change at his cigs. With my last-forever cigarette...all you'll need is $200 and a mouth.

That's how much I'll charge - just $200 for a life of smoking. Quite a deal, huh? It will be awesome for me too...I'll be a trillionaire.

It will be annoying as hell when those 'Truth' kids come by my mansion to film a commercial. I'll look out the window and be like 'Ahh boy...those truth kids are back and they're blaming me for babies dying." or "Ahh boy...those truth kids are back and they have farting cows everywhere." or "Ahh boy...those truth kids are back and they have woman who talks like a robot because she smoked too much."

And actually thats not a bad thing- talking like a robot. Maybe I should smoke cigarettes so one day I can talk like a robot.

That would be a good advertising campaign for tobacco companies. "Smoke cigarettes...one day YOU could talk like a ROBOT." Little kids everywhere would be so pumped up because kids love robots. "Mommy, mommy, mommy I want to talk like a robot! Buy me some smokes! Pppppleasssse."

"No son. Not until you join the army or go to jail."

"Ahhhh mom."

23 comments:

ambs77 said...

i think you're on the brink of insanity of not already there. ha ha ha!!! :-P

ambs77 said...

*IF not already there. (i did that on purpose to be an amusing commenter.)

Ajax said...

The jokes on you: all kids are robots now (government mandate).

But they still talk like kids, so they can blend itn. They decided to make all kids robots so that they could smoke longer, without threat of lung failure.

It was funny, being at the hosptial when my wife was giving birth. The hospital staff tried to play it cool when they switched our real baby with a robot baby, but I saw them out of the corner of my eye.

I was going to complain, but then I realized that my robot child could enjoy more smoking time than my human baby.

In the end, I think it worked out for the best.

Melissa said...

I think it's sexy when guys have cancer sticks in their mouths. Turn me on! ;)

Tim said...

this post makes me wonder what happens to farts on a submarine.

Conti said...

Ajax the whole office is wondering why I busted up laughing after reading your comment.

RitMeyer said...

Wow, maybe I should start smoking again. It would be totally cool to talk like a robot and then mess witht he kids at the Jack in the box drive threw.

Conti said...

Yeah Ritmeyer also audioposts would be more fun. ROBOTBLOG

And I've been tinkering on the edge for a while Ambs. It's a lot of fun. By the way I can't wait to visit China. Hahah.

Ajax said...

Tell them you are in training for the laff-a-lympics and would they like to sponsor you?

el Bow said...

I'm also wondering why you burst out laughing when you read ajax's post. It must be very difficult to lose a child, even for the benefits described.

Conti, you can sure be an insensitive dick sometimes.

Sean said...

probably your best post in awhile. I wish i would have thought of doing a post on cigarettes. damn you.

Steph said...

I HATE CIGARETTES.

TinaPoPo said...

I hope when the Truth kids put the farting cows on your lawn, they clean up after them. I mean, it's the least they could do.

Christine said...

I need this last-forever cig. I'm so tired of kissing grungy old men just for a drag. *cough*

ica said...

they're always out of cigarettes because they're always poor.

rich people only smoke on holidays.

brianna said...

you probably get this a lot... but... you're hilarious. so glad i stumbled across your blog. :)

emertron said...

In many federal prisons you are no longer allowed cigarettes. (fyi)

One more reason not to go to jail.

Anonymous said...

I knew you were laughing cause of some blog-related issue!

Conti said...

thanks brianna

Lainey said...

I'm coming in next weekend. I'll call you, cause you're the sexiest kind of witty and introspective. Lymi.

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