No Fear shirt - Size XXL

I have fears. Despite my cocky words and confident smirks, deep down I need to be told that everything will be okay. That my nightmare is just a bad dream and not a peak into the future. That there is no need to worry about what haunts me.

They'd come from the South. It'd be very quiet beforehand. Then you'd hear them breathing. That's how you'd know they were coming. Thousands of deep breaths at the same time, over and over. Like an entire country was drowning. Gasps of air on the moon. God's vacuum cleaner in your lungs. It would take a long time before they made it to the city. It wouldn't matter though. There isn't anything anyone could do.

I am terrified that a group of 4,000 obese men riding bicycles will invade Austin, Texas.

Guns would be useless. Sure they'd bleed, but with 14 inches of fat protection, the percentage of hitting a vital organ is low. It would just make them more angry. And they will be angry. Their blood sugar would be low from riding those bikes all day. They'd be hungry and pushy. They'd go restaurant to restaurant demanding pancake syrup and sausage.

They'd have their way with the city. If 4,000 angry and obese men walked into Best Buy and starting taking all the expensive electronics, who would stop them? Not the guy who checks receipts when you leave! Not the security guard who drives around a golf cart in the parking lot! And the police would be useless. Those sliding doors in jails are small. Obese men couldn't even fit in the jail cells. These men have wrists as thick as tree trunks...try fitting a pair of handcuffs around those.

Plus where in the police station could you keep 4,000 bikes?

And you couldn't even try and trick them. Obese men are smart. They watch a lot of TV and movies so they know all tactics that will be used against them. You couldn't send a hot spy to the lead fat guy hoping she'd find out secret information. He'd know right away that this hot chick was a spy and that she didn't want to sleep with him. He would not allow her in the obese base. Sure you can try and poison their food, but these guys eat so much they'll know right away if there is posion in the food.

I have fears.


Leslie said...

i'm pretty much scared of that too

Ajax said...

"4,000 obese men" is a euphimism for pancreatic cancer, right? Check out my pancreatic cancer website if you get a chance.

It won't calm your fears, but it may help your golf swing. Or, for you southerners, Swang.

Melissa said...

Is it time for the bike rally already?

emertron said...

Secrets....ssssshhhhhh...I had a really fat roommate & I wouldn't lay on the couch & nap because if she ever came home & sat on the couch without looking & I was there, there's be some serious broken bones.

p.s. We should go eat some burritos when you're in Chicago

Steph said...

are you a big guy conti?

Sean said...

I bet you were really afraid of bam bam bigelow and earthquake

RitMeyer said...

Hey, I read your blog while I was power walking. Will there be any long term side effects?

erin said...

we should go eat some hotdogs when you're in chicago. wait isn't chicago like the third fattest city or something? aren't you scared?

Christine said...

Just when I think I know the inner workings of the genius known as Michael Conti, you delve that much deeper inside yourself. I smell an autobiography in your future and it smells like cheese. You're going to change lives. You and Oprah.


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