1.24.2006

Ill

I am not feeling very well so last night I drank a gallon of soap. Not soup. Soap. I don't understand how people say "Oh you're sick? You should eat some soup to get healthy." That is so illogical and wrong. Soup is just a shitty food. Soap kills germs.

If soap can clean the outside of my body, why wouldn't it clean the inside of my body?

So I drank a gallon of soap and now I feel a little bit better, I think. I've been farting out bubbles all day but with every good medicine there comes a side effect or two. Also if I want a bubble bath all I have to do is pee.

I knew I was sick when I had a dream about the Revolutionary War the other night. That's a sure tell sign that you aren't feeling 100% - when you dream about the redcoats. "The Redcoats are coming!" is dream talk for "The illness is coming!"

Redcoats are funny because they walk in a straight line and don't look around when people are shooting at them. Plus the only place they'd have a camo advantage at would be a red paint factory or a superhero cape shop. Bright red is easy to spot in fields, barns, forests, steamboats, etc.

I could also tell that I was sick when I wasn't hungry for pizza. Normally every Monday night I eat pizza in my closet. I eat many slices and cry while I eat because the lights are out and I'm uncomfortable in the dark. I think about danger dragons, infected scabs, talking spiders, fat ghosts, etc.

It's my way of "letting go" before the upcoming week. I also enjoy my pizza a bit on the soggy side. It makes it easier to chew and by eating my tears I'm saving water on mother earth.

Anyways I'm not 100%. But don't cry for me Blogentina.

16 comments:

brianna said...

so all in all it's not a good day? sorry to hear that. thanks for the comment, i'm glad to know somebody will take me over celine dion :)

Tim said...

I like to do bulimia when I'm sick.

ambs77 said...

i think you might be a little "sick" every day, conti. :-P

i actually laughed out loud reading about you eating pizza in a dark closet.

Sean said...

I have that same dream. But I haven't had it since in a couple of years. weird.

RitMeyer said...

I dream of the Crusades. My mom thinks it is because I have a crisis of faith since I don't go to church. I think it is because I like Morgan Freeman.

Feel better, I think the soap is gonna work.

Steph said...

i was feeling a bit conjested. Do you think drano would help? Inquiring minds want to know.

Ajax said...

Hey check out my physical relations with Celene Dion website if you get a chance. I think you would dig it.

Conti said...

I got an LOL ambs? I got an LOL!

el Bow said...

What's the fuck is up with people laughing out loud about the shit you are writing. Don't they understand the vulnerability a writer experiences. Fuck!

Austin's Wonderland said...

You make getting sick fun!

ambs77 said...

"Cry me a river", Justin...er, I mean El Bow.

I hope you're joking because I'm pretty sure that's what Conti was after. A little "LOL" never hurt anyone. :-D

(Sorry if I'm being mean today. I'm in need of a root canal and have a sore throat and fever.)

Conti said...

I love LOLs. And I had a root canal a few years ago. It was pretty gay and it lasted like 40 minutes.

emertron said...

Dooooooode. Sorry for you being sick. It sucks. I'll call up Captain White Blood Cell & he'll take care of it.

p.s. although farting bubbles may be really awesome, i'd stay away from the eating soap. if you eat too much of it, it'll give you the icky di dis.

Jay said...

I think maybe you're sick because you keep eating things you shouldn't.

Christine said...

So funny! You're a brilliant man, Conti!

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