1.04.2006

HTDS

I am sorry I haven't been blogging very much lately, loyal readers and stalkers of Conti. You'll have to excuse me. I have been spending majority of my days creating, founding, and establishing the HTDS. For those of you who haven't read the press release:

Helping Tired Dolphins Society

Every year, thousands of dolphins swim long distances across our oceans, lakes, and bays. They swim for days to find food, warm water, and shark-safe water communities.

Just like us humans, dolphins lose strength and energy from hard physical work. THIS IS CALLED "FATIGUE" OR "BEING VERY TIRED". Dolphins who swim for more than 8 hours lose focus on swimming and are prone to accident.

And a tired dolphin is a dangerous dolphin.

Last month tragedy struck the Pacific Ocean when a tired dolphin (on a business trip from the Gulf of Mexico) accidently swam into a pregnant seahorse. The tired dolphins jagged snout pierced the seahorse directly in the belly, with horrifying results. Both mother and child were killed.

Afterwards the tired dolphin confessed that he had been swimming without break all day. He was tired, frustrated, and his eyesight was blurry when the accident took place.

There have also been over two dozen reports of tired dolphins swimming into waverunners and ski boats, literally causing hundreds of dollars worth of damage to the water vehicles.

This is why I, MICHAEL CONTI MAN OF ACTION, have founded HTDS.

At HTDS, the goal is simple: stop tired dolphins from danger swims. I have hired a staff of obese scientists to solve this problem. (I hire obese scientiest because they normally don't have girlfriends and spend more time on the project. They are also more trustworthy.) After brainstorming and snack breaks, this is what our plan is:

Build underwater comfort caves (with soft cots and seaweed pillows) in high traffic dolphin traveling zones. A traveling dolphin can stop to nap on a cot to relax himself. This will refresh the dolphin and KEEP HIM FROM A TIRED AND TERRIBLE ACCIDENT.

The service will be free for all dolphins. Although sand dollar donations will be accepted, most of the funding will be provided by readers like you!

So please, leave your financial commitment in the comment section. We're also looking for volunteers, snacks for the scientists, seaweed pillows, etc.

Please...help a tired dolphin today!

14 comments:

Melissa said...

I love you, Michael Conti, you and your philanthropic ways.

nk said...

I used to give 10% of my income to the church -- as per God's orders -- but this cause seems to trump any religious one. 10% it is.

PS - I make $50 a year, so that's only about $5 per annum.

Tim said...

FYI: dolphins, ducks, and humans are the only animals that rape.

Conti said...

A DUCK-FUCK? SEE YAAA

TinaPoPo said...

Is this tax deductible? If so, to whome should I make out a check? Just "Conti" or HTDS?

Also, if I donate, do I get a bumper sticker or something? Please?

Almostcrash said...

Did you ever see how many human deaths are caused each year due to sex with a dolphin? Its astounding. And disturbing.

Sean said...

I'll volunteer sea-men to help ya.

SEEE YAAA

explauren said...

this post makes me think of this picture....

https://webspace.utexas.edu/smf63/shit/fuckdolphins.jpg

Steph said...

i just got really tired reading that...

just kidding

the pants said...

attention readers of the moustachio blog! THIS IS A SCAM! if you read closely you will note that conti claims a tired dolphin killed a mother seahorse and her children, but astute zoologists and watchers of animal planet will know that it is the FATHER seahorse who gets pregnant.

conti you should be ashamed of yourself.

Christine said...

I'll donate rice crispie squares!

Queen Of Pink said...

Wow, I never knew of this particular plight. I'm shocked and appalled and have been spurred into action.

I'm going to help a dolphin today. Or maybe tomorrow.

erin said...

obviously you did not know that only one hemisphere of a dolphin's brain sleeps at a time so the dolphin can continue swimming while he sleeps. SUCKAAAA!

Conti said...

Uh how come you babes know so much about dolphins?