12.01.2005

Visions and Smells

My goal in life is to acquire as many meats as possible. I'll put all the meats in a tower.

The more meats the better. I'll hire men that acquire large quantity of meats for me. They will be called Meat Men.

I'll make the quiet joke at business meetings: "Meet my Meat Men at the Meeting."

I'll also hire men who are tall and move comfortably on ladders. They will be called Tower Men. These Tower Men will take the meats from the Meat Men and place the meats in the tower.

Every Friday during Lent I'll award my top Meat Man with a gold vest that he can wear while visiting with clients during meat mergers and business dance parties.

When moral is low with the Tower Men I'll award the crew with protective goggles that prevent retina irritation when a liquid meat burst occurs.

It's not all fun and games though. I'll have to fire any Tower Man who carelessly places goat meat on top of pherret meat, cow meats on top of veal, chicken on top of pork chops, ham slices on top of turkey breast, turkey breast on top of t-bones, ostrich legs on top of hamburger meat, or sausage links on top of hot dogs.

Meat Men will be required to lift weights on a regular basis and any man unable to benchpress 160 pounds will be sent home without pay.

The tower itself will be be built on a concrete foundation. This will prevent escaping jail prisoners and coal miners from accidently penetrating the meat tower from beneath.

There will be a moat around the tower. The moat will prevent major injury or death in the event that a Tower Man were to slip and fall from a high ladder. The Tower Man will fall harmlessly onto water instead of bone-crunching concrete. There will be 3 alligators in the moat, however, to ensure that the fallen Tower Man hustle out of the moat and return to work.

During the summer months, the tower will maintain a temperature of 56 degrees. AC units and high powered fans will be purchased from the outlet mall and installed. During the winter, we'll abandon the tower and vacation in Florida.

Eventually I'll have acquired many meats and be satisfied with my life. I'll throw a party to celebrate. After a round of drinks, I'll climb to the top of the tower, and dive into tower. I'll swim downwards, using my hands in a butterfly stroke to move among the meats.

I'll smell the meats, and when I open my eyes I'll see up close the acquired meats. Sooner or later the swim stroke will wear me down so I'll open my mouth and enjoy unusual meats for energy.

Hopefully my ears won't be clogged with roast beef tips or pork rinds and I'll be able to hear the Tower Men and Meat Men cheering me on.

The louder they cheer the faster I meat swim.

24 comments:

MIke said...

This is just a poor man's "Cheese Coliseum".

el Bow said...

are you stupid?

Tower Men can't swim.

Even if you get a building permit for this, the MaTM local 417 will never let you get this project off the ground.

Sean said...

you better outlay some rules too, most notably, no playing with your meat.

The Captain of the Ship said...

er, even as a vegetarian, i was strangely attracted to this post.

Mike said...

What will you call your party? How about "Meatopia '06".

Rod Renegade said...

Have you no room for salami, balogna, olive loaf, summer sausage, hot dogs, kielbasa, braunschweiger, andouille, Weißwurst, black pudding, bratwurst, haggis, knackwurst, landjäger and mincemeat??? If you can't put your goat meat on top of pherret meat or if you continue to enforce any of those other anti mixed-meat touching rules you have - I must conclude that you are a meat elitest. Simply put, you're descriminating against sausages and other so-called impure meats.

el Bow said...

it just smells like Babylon II, and the first one didn't end so well.

emertron said...

So is this like a Meat Prison, too? Because if so, I have a sinking suspicion that crime rates will skyrocket!

explauren said...

health hazard?

el Bow said...

Meat Prison? What kind of shit is that? Meat commits no crime. It's just meat. It's not even alive, you know.

ica said...

Pherrets?

chris said...

this is one of the best things i have ever read. i hope you see this dream of yours all the way to the end.

Melissa said...

You should make the moat out of Wolf's chili.

Ajax said...

David Koresh part two.

Sean said...

I'm reading your blog while dropping a log.

the shrewness said...

interesting blog entry to read for a first timer...

cant wait for the next one.

Christine said...

I could totally go for a meat swim right about now!

Anonymous said...

this was the best thing i've read in a while... thanks for making my day.

ica said...

Conti I'm calling you out on leaving yourself that last post. PS I'm almost definitely coming to San Antonio (?) in April IS THAT NEAR YOU?

ambs77 said...

that just made my afternoon. too funny.

i adore weird/quirky humor.

Ivy said...


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