12.22.2005

Christmas List

I can barely move my fingers because I am so injury-prone and tired and bored. This is what I want for Christmas.

-Shoes

-Camcorder

-Island

-Sandwich

-Robot

-Skeeze

-Injury-Prone Pirate

-Panda Suit

-A Volcano To Be Named After Me

-Subscription to Black Man Magazine


I think I ate some poison trail mix because now my vision is blurry and my skin is seeping milks and oils. I'm injury-prone. That is a fact. I shouldn't have had that trail mix. I wasn't even on a trail. I was sitting around and trying to reach over to the phone when I noticed the poison. Everyone keeps coming into my office asking me questions but I just say 'Poison' and lay down my head until they leave. I wonder what type of poison I ingested. Maybe B-5 poison. Maybe B-6 poison. I can't stop touching my noise. That must be an affect of the poison. If only I weren't injury-prone.

24 comments:

Ajax said...

Consider the ham sandwich PURCHASED.

Let me know if you are dead before Christmas though so I can feed it to someone else.

ica said...

I hear the antidote is gatorade.

Melissa said...

Oh damn, I was going to invite you out to dinner since I'm in town but since you're dying, nevermind. I'll give you time to go home and write up your will and stuff. Can I get your extra gopher meat?

Conti said...

What flavor gatorade? There are like 25.

Steph said...

Skeeze? Can you please elaborate that for me? I think I know what it is but I'd rather you tell me.

Is it somewhat like "skeet skeet skeet?!"

Conti said...

And no I'm talking the gopher meat into the afterlife (for snacks).

Conti said...

And thanks Ajaxio.

Conti said...

A skeeze is an attractive young lady who's sole purpose is to pleasure me for a few weeks before we both move on because, well, she's a skeeze.

Conti said...

And Ajax please make sure you spread spicy mustard on the sandwich. Dry ham isn't ham, if you get my drift.

Steph said...

I thought so. I'm up on thangs.

thank you ebonics.

ica said...

Dear Conti, I'm sick of the games, when are you coming to Chicago once and for all?
Jessica
PS--Are you going to try to go on Elimidate at the very least?

Saucy Lil' Tart said...

Pirates are always prone to injury. It's the eye. ARRRR!

Queen Of Pink said...

I am so fricken injury prone, I smashed my right shin on the damn coffee table TWICE tonight. Brilliance, I tell ya.

the pants said...

i have an extra panda suit i'll put it on your corpse before you are buried.

emertron said...

Holy crap?!?!?! Conti on Elimiadate?!?!?! Please keep me updated on that, as that is a necessary watch.

nk said...

The key to winning Elimidate is to get really drunk. I know. I invented the show.

fusselman's rabbit said...

i thought the key to any date show was to get everyone else really drunk. there was a commercial i saw once where you could win your very own island. i was so excited i defecated myself right there. i didn't win though.

The Captain of the Ship said...

the pumpkin seeds in your trail mix are excellent defense against parasitic infections, such as tapeworms. actually, i think they are fairly specific for tapeworms. tapeworms, and tapeworms only.

el Bow said...

and the captain knows

el Bow said...

p.s. I think it would be an 'e'ffect of the poison. although i don't know for sure

explauren said...

did you get everything you want? I didn't want to say anything but i saw Rick buying your panda suit, and it looked totally glam.

the pants said...

are you dead?

Christine said...

Hope you and the rest of the Conti's enjoyed your holiday! I want a kangaroo suit with a big pouch. I could charge little kids for rides at festivals and flea markets or something.

Melissa said...

Did you die? Do I need to send the Conti family flowers?