Clements was a huge high school. Since the entire school couldn't fit in the cafeteria all at once, everyone was assigned one of three lunch times.

During my junior year I had B lunch. This was not good, because all of my close friends had C lunch. I was mad because I was supposedly entering my social prime as an upper-classman, but here I am without my crew during the all-important lunch hour.

I knew other people in B lunch. But everyone sat in their clicks and even though I was welcome to join, I didn't really want too. Probably dumb, but I decided that I'd rather spend time alone.

So I ate lunch by myself, on the floor outside the upstairs lecture hall.

It sounds pathetic, but I was very happy with my setup. My spot was quiet. I could spread out, stretch my legs out, and relax. It also overlooked the library, so I could count Asian people for fun.


Here's the deal: When you eat alone, you finish eating very fast. No talking to slow it down, no hotties or weirdos distracting you, etc.

I'd normally finish my lunch with 30 minutes left of lunch period. Now what am I to do with this free time? A normal person would probably go flirt with some cute sophomores or catch up on some homework.

But I'm Michael Conti. Normal didn't happen.

Instead, I would walk around the hallways looking for signs on the walls. You know...signs that say "Spanish Club meeting after school" or "Go Rangers Volleyball!"

I'd approach the sign and pretend like I was reading it. I'd look around to see if anyone was watching me. Since everyone was either in class or at lunch, there normally wasn't anyone around.

If all was clear, I'd physically remove the sign from the wall, turn it upside-down, and stick it back on the wall. I had a sharpie with me, and I'd mark the now upside-down sign with the letters BB.

What did BB stand for?

The Backwards Bandit.

That's right. I had a secret identity. I was the Backwards Bandit.

That year you'd walk around that school with a crooked neck. I turned and marked EVERY SINGLE SIGN in the entire school. I did not discriminate. Club signs. Sports signs. Student council signs. Don't do Drugs signs. They all got turned around and marked with my signature...the big black BB.

I was good too. I began to recognize different tape types and how to handle scotch loops on cardboard, duct tape on sheet paper, a large sign on a high wall, etc. I knew to be extra cautious and extremely quick around high-traffic areas like stairwells and bathrooms. I learned the location and walking routes of teachers with an off-period.

I was kind of like a loser Zorro.

And people noticed. Between periods I'd actually hear people talking about it. I seriously heard one girl say in frustration "Who keeps doing this??" as she flipped her soccer sign back to normal. After a few weeks, people would put up a new sign for their club and use an entire roll of duct tape in attempts to thwart the BB.

But you can't stop the best.

Instead of thinking about who I should ask to Homecoming, I was hoping I'd overheard someone say:

"Say is that JV football game tonite at 6 or 9? Fuckin Backwards Bandit got me again."


"Does that say 'Wow V-Ball!' or is someones mom going to the mall? Damn you BB!"

And I wondered why I could never get laid. Ah the life of a legend.


the pants said...

i had the opposite lunch of my best friends the first half of junior year. i used to smear ketchup all over the garbage can doors so when people pushed their junk in there their hands got messed up. yours is awesome too though.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Michael Conti. Just thought you might be interested to hear that I just entered your name and my name into the Love Calculator and we have an 81% chance of making this work. Too bad we don't know each other. I just think you're funny.

Alekx said...

I'm so glad I cruised by here at 2:45 am so I could learn all about the knitting blog. I feel so special.

However instead of knitting I'm thinking about putting a sign on my backside to see if the BB will strike in my neck of the woods.

el Bow said...

Fucking hell, so much for dreams. I only have an 18% chance of love working with you.

Dr. Love thinks a relationship might work out between Michael Conti and el Bow, but the chance is very small. A successful relationship is possible, but you both have to work on it. Do not sit back and think that it will all work out fine, because it might not be working out the way you wanted it to. Spend as much time with each other as possible. Again, the chance of this relationship working out is very small, so even when you do work hard on it, it still might not work out.

I guess it will just have to be about the sex after all.

Tim said...

.yag erew ouy


Ajax said...

Bizzackwards bandit.

emertron said...


Please tell me where I can find this mystical oracle. Million thanks.

emertron said...

OMG! Nevermind, I found it. We have a 91% chance of working it out. But I'm short, so that might be a problem.

Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between E**** M**** (I used my real name, though) and Mike Conti has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc.

So you should move up here so we can get this thing started.

will said...

I once made a fake bomb threat and signed it "The Weasel". People didn't think it was funny though because it was only 5 months after Columbine....True story. I commited a felony but only got three saturday detentions so that i could play football...hahaha fucking texas highschool football

Sean said...

.dias mit tahw


Melissa said...

Da Melizzle and Conti have a 77% connection but our real names have a 91% which doesn't make sense because our alter egos should be way cooler

ica said...

But you can't stop the best.

Ha ha. Yeah I had a lunch in 7th grade, b lunch in 8th. Our school was so awesome we had to eat lunch in the basement.

TinaPoPo said...


Conti said...

Damn all the ladies want to bone the Bandit...form a single file line, ladies. Also what is this love calculator you speak of?

emertron said...

I found it earlier today. www.lovecalculator.com. Check it out, it'll change your life!

Conti said...

I just checked out that lovecalculator. Since I don't know any of your last names I'm getting low percentages, so I'll trust all of your numbers. I did get 81% love with Ajax Green, however.

Conti said...

Hey Pants I sent you 2 gansta CDs in the mail today, in case you didn't know.

Ajax said...

hahaha. Who is Ajax Green?

Melissa said...

Why aren't I getting any gangsta cds? Oh, it must be because I listen to that crap every time I get in the car. Seriously, all they play in Houston is Pall Wall and reggaeton.

Conti said...

Crap?!!?!?! You just went to a Depeche Mode concert!

Listen to 104.9 on Sunday nights after 9pm. It's the music of the Gods.

will said...

with lyrics like these who wouldn't listen to paul wall

Its Paul Willican
I fly like a pelican
and I got a chrome skeleton

the man is on top of his game

Leslie said...

during my senior year of high school, my best friend and i would walk around at the end of lunch and pick up all the change lying around next to the vending machines. also we would get out of 4th period and pick up money in the other lunches too. then we put all our money into a jar labeled "Leslie and Michelle's College Fund"

we made like 30 dollars that year. good times.

ica said...

Woah you got a new Conti logo!

Conti said...

yes ma'am whaddya think?

Christine said...

Whoa.. you're the infamous Backwards Bandit?!!! You're incredible Michael Conti! *bows down* "I'm not worthy.."

Chuck Woolery said...

Did you wear a BB cape or anything?

Anonymous said...

I don't know chuck, but we'll "find out in Two and Two"

Conti said...

haha well done anonymous

Conti said...

and i do own a red cape, but i only wear it when im playing racquetball

Ajax said...

Hahah FUBU shirts!

ps. I'm worried my hilarious comments are going to get lost in this morass of comments.

30 and counting? It's a comment frenzy!

Conti said...

No worries Ajax I'm going to string together some shitty posts so the frenzy dies down and it just be me, you, and the ceiling fan guy again.

Anonymous said...

dont forget about me

Sean said...

whats with the spike in readership?

I think its because of the cartoons.

Lainey said...

When the hell did this blog get popular? You suck. Oh, and I love you and would like a date for next weekend. I'll call you. XOXO.

TadaDiscounts said...

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The Prose~cuter said...

I'm in awe. And I'll also join the queue for the boning.

ica said...

I like it but I think you need to update three times a day.

Anonymous said...

conti is but one man that must be allowed to post at his own pace. who are you to pressure the man that has already been called, "The Gallagher of his generation" We are talking about a man that has also drawn comparisons to Vonnegut and Henson..Yeah thats right Jim fucking Henson!!

Conti said...

I could update 3 times a day but if I did that I couldnt eat 3 times a day because I'd be fired.

Also, are ya'll ready to smash some fruuuuuit?

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Anonymous said...

How did it work when they got it updated? Cash Advance

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