ABC. Always Be Closing.

Did you know that I am an important businessman? Oh you didn't know that you're reading the online journal of an important moneyman? Oh you should know that about me. I=Money, and Money=The World. Use the If A=B and B=C then A=C rule to figure out what that means.

Anyways I'm a very important businessman and later today I have a very important business meeting with a guy that operates a national chain of restaurants. I'll be meeting him at one of his restaurants, so today is a big day.

This morning I got ready for the business meeting by making myself beautiful. The number one rule of business is no ugly people. There is bamboo gel in my hair and I have rubbed coconut milk into my skin. I used a pound of Lake O Lands butter as deodarant, so I am well protected and also smell of cake. I ironed my clothes and put them on my body with careful hands. Business people HATE wrinkled clothing. "Wrinkles are for poor people," we always say when there aren't any around.

Today the client I'm meeting with is named Mr. Hernandez. I'm going to pull out all the stops to impress him. The number one rule of business is go for the gold. At dinner I'm planning to show him what type of guy I am. I'll get drunk beforehand so my true self really shines. I'll probably start out by hitting on the waitress and try to grab her ass while winking at Mr. Hernandez. This shows him that I am a real go-getter and don't take no for an answer.

I'm also going to tell Mr. Hernandez all that is wrong with his restaurant. The number one rule of business is to not hold back any punches. I'll get his respect by bickering. "This food is for dogs!" I'll say and "Hmm this is the type of place I'd take a prostitute for dinner." This will let him know that I am part of the team and can identify problems that need solutions.

I'll let him know how our business operates and what our strenghts and weakness' are. The number one rule of business is that good information leads to good communication. I'll tell him who is the office is a whore and how I ignore all calls until I read about 20 blogs or so. This will show him that I'm a confident straight-shooter with true communication skills.

Finally I'll end the dinner with a powerful speech: "Mr. Hernandez, I need you to know that I am here for you. I will crush souls for you. I will rape for you. I will abuse old people for you. If you have a child that is born female, and you wanted a male, I will steal a baby's penis and we will make your infant a man...together."

It's big business, baby. It's what I do. One day I will be mightier than JP Morgan or Morgan Stanley or Frank Wells or Herman Fargo. You just wait and see.


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Conti said...

Didn't you read my post you stupid gringo? I=Money

Lauren McClendoodle said...

you have quite a few "#1" business rules. On another note, Google has upped your status when searching "moustachio blogspot." You used to be the 5th or 6th result and are now the 1st. Talk about a hole in one.

Conti said...

oh, snap?

Conti said...

I got an email from another Michael Conti who said he found my blog by typing in his (our) name. Google power man.

erin said...

if your entree comes with a potato make sure you tell the waitress 'hold the potato. potatos are for poor people.' mr. hernandez will probably appreciate that.

Conti said...

haha the same with cabbage or chicken.

Only poor people eat birds.

Melissa said...

I think we powerful people need to get together and make powerful babies and take over the world.

Melissa said...

That sentence doesn't sound right but you know what I mean.

Ajax said...



emertron said...

You should start a business school but then turn it into a religion so that you can get tax-exempt status. woot woot.

Tim said...

HA! Melissa's funny. We all know there's no such thing as a powerful woman.

The Other Half said...

nice one...i'm still waiting....i'm not seeing ;-)~

Mr. Hernandez said...

One look at Michael Conti's chiseled features, and I was nearly sold, but it was the penis transplant comment that truly sealed the deal.

Anonymous said...

I'm sold!
You are a fucking genius.

el Bow said...

Mr Hernandez is a fucking liar, it was the penis sucking that truely sealed the deal.

No judgement, though, we all got to start somewhere and if Mr Hernandez needs to suck Michael's wiener to get him to work at the restaurant, more power to him for being a big enough man to get down on his knees - bitch.

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Christine said...

I thought you might smell of cake. I think you should create a cake scent and sell it. I know I would personally buy it, everyone would. Who doesn't want to smell like yummy cake. Perhaps Mr. Hernandez would be interested in the idea.

Rod Renegade said...

I don't have a business site. Don't come to my site if you want to make money or learn about new business strategies or weight loss techniques for Guatamalan woman hampster jugglers. Please...

el Bow said...

you notice that Mike is strangely quite about the penis sucking comment.

Your own private Idaho?


Alekx said...

Wow I get so educated in your comments area. I can get business educated cuz you know what you are talking about.

and here I was just stopping by to see if you'd pretend I was the waitress and just get right to the ass grabbing but now I want to go away and become a resepctable businesswoman.

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