Did you know that I am an important businessman? Oh you didn't know that you're reading the online journal of an important moneyman? Oh you should know that about me. I=Money, and Money=The World. Use the If A=B and B=C then A=C rule to figure out what that means.
Anyways I'm a very important businessman and later today I have a very important business meeting with a guy that operates a national chain of restaurants. I'll be meeting him at one of his restaurants, so today is a big day.
This morning I got ready for the business meeting by making myself beautiful. The number one rule of business is no ugly people. There is bamboo gel in my hair and I have rubbed coconut milk into my skin. I used a pound of Lake O Lands butter as deodarant, so I am well protected and also smell of cake. I ironed my clothes and put them on my body with careful hands. Business people HATE wrinkled clothing. "Wrinkles are for poor people," we always say when there aren't any around.
Today the client I'm meeting with is named Mr. Hernandez. I'm going to pull out all the stops to impress him. The number one rule of business is go for the gold. At dinner I'm planning to show him what type of guy I am. I'll get drunk beforehand so my true self really shines. I'll probably start out by hitting on the waitress and try to grab her ass while winking at Mr. Hernandez. This shows him that I am a real go-getter and don't take no for an answer.
I'm also going to tell Mr. Hernandez all that is wrong with his restaurant. The number one rule of business is to not hold back any punches. I'll get his respect by bickering. "This food is for dogs!" I'll say and "Hmm this is the type of place I'd take a prostitute for dinner." This will let him know that I am part of the team and can identify problems that need solutions.
I'll let him know how our business operates and what our strenghts and weakness' are. The number one rule of business is that good information leads to good communication. I'll tell him who is the office is a whore and how I ignore all calls until I read about 20 blogs or so. This will show him that I'm a confident straight-shooter with true communication skills.
Finally I'll end the dinner with a powerful speech: "Mr. Hernandez, I need you to know that I am here for you. I will crush souls for you. I will rape for you. I will abuse old people for you. If you have a child that is born female, and you wanted a male, I will steal a baby's penis and we will make your infant a man...together."
It's big business, baby. It's what I do. One day I will be mightier than JP Morgan or Morgan Stanley or Frank Wells or Herman Fargo. You just wait and see.