The life of Todd Conti

This entire weekened I spent thinking about how I can become a better spy. I do not want to be a mediocre spy like Larry Temecula or Harry Jolanioso (he he sorry guys but you are NOT very good spies.)

My skills are solid. Very good torture techniques. Superb disguise selection. Trustworthy eyes, yet sneaky hands. Never forget to use the CONFIDENTIAL stamp on secret documents. I can ask someone what time is it in 2 languages. When someone I don't know asks me my name I respond "Todd Conti" instead of "Michael Conti". Keep road flares in my vehicle at all times. Memorized both my social security number and home address.

But where I drop the ball is secret messages. Until now. I had the idea to start writing my secret messages on tortillas. Here is what they look like:

It's pretty much the best idea I've ever had.

Most spies today use zip disks, audio tapes, hand signals, code words for message giving. No one will suspect anything on a tortilla!

When I hand a tortilla to an ally, anyone following me will think "Hmm these guys must be getting lunch right now" instead of "the package has been delivered, radio to the sniper".

Also if I do get caught and searched, I'll tell my captures that I have low blood sugar and that tortillas are my favorite snack. Even better, if someone breaches my headquarters and invades, I'll just tell the enemy that I was making gorditas for my crew for working so hard lately. No one will ever suspect anything!

Another benefit is that writing on a tortilla is a lot of fun. Seriously, you should try it. It really is fun. Spies live stressful lives so a little fun would help. (I like using a ballpoint pen on flour, but you may be more of a sharpie/corn type. )

Tortillas are also pretty easy to throw. Have you ever had to try and throw a zip disk across a river to an antsy ally waiting on the other side? I have. Because tortillas are a lot like frisbee's that won't be a problem anymore. And if I throw a little short people will think I'm just feeding ducks and won't be suspicious and report me.

The only drawback that I can see is when I deal with fat spies. I'll probably have to give them 2 tortillas. One with the message and the other for them to eat. Also, Mexican spies may think I'm being disrespectful.

Tort-illla Ya


Sean said...

this is much better than your first idea of using taco shells.

Tim said...

Those Russians are crafty. But you. You, Todd Conti, are a lot more craftier than them.

Ajax said...

Meet me under the bridge at noon.

Loryne MccClendon said...

that makes me crave mexican food

emertron said...

Brilliant, as usual.

Melissa said...

Why do you have to always pick on Mexicans, yo?

The Prose~cuter said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Prose~cuter said...

Mike, I approach you now as a faraway acquaintance in need of your expertise. Is the following blog-writer really a 13 year old, or more like a 45 year old pervert?? I have made it my mission to find out, but I think it best to call in for backup. Note the use of the word "dreadful," and in back entries, the claim that "Journalism" is one of her classes. This is bugging me way too much.


Rod Renegade said...



y Tacos


Totos las cosas - amigo!

erin said...

hm. i think it's a 45 year old pervert. if it was really a 13 year old girl she'd have tons of photos up.

it's totally a 45 year old pervert who fully says C YA!!!! at the end of like 4 entries.


phil said...

Hey bro,

I could easily see you being in a spy movie where you dress up like that shitty mexican rat and throw tortillas stained with your fingerprints everywhere (speedy gonzales?). You'd probably wear a moustache (homegrown) and be a really trustworthy guy, like only inviting good guys to your b-day parties.

Then once you gained everyones' trust you'd probably get promoted to head tortilla spy, which in the real world is like cashier at Chipotle.

The Prose~cuter said...

Wow. The C-YA hadn't even occurred to me... It's you, isn't it, Conti?

Conti said...

These are the greatest comments ever, by the way. I mean serious. All my fav peeps (favorite people) commented.

Nice execution of an inside joke Loryne. I told you the new spelling was hot.

Also, did you click on Ajax link? That made me lol

And hey best bud! Thanks for commenting you are a great bf. (best friend.)

I think that biq (blog in question) belongs to a young girl. Scary dudes do NOT say C-Yaa at the end of posts. That just doesn't add up.

Todd said...

Great blog

Anonymous said...

The world's thinnest ballpoint pens are available at JetPens!

jr said...

Remember, hypoglycemia & spying don't mix. Use sprouted whole wheat tortillas.

Conti said...

Can I get those at Whole Foods, Jr?

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