Top of the brain

People want me
People need me
Well I smell nice
And I get all the guys going
I'm expensive though, so expect to spend a lot on me
I'm on every corner until you take me with you
Conti wishes he could drink a tall glass of me
What am I?

(A Pink Hint: I'm Gasoline)

After work yesterday I felt lifedrunk and didn't feel like going home.

I drove to Barnes+Noble with the intent to hit on cute employees who have to work there because they have a degree in English.

"Where exactly is the Hot Sex section? I've looked all over but all I can find are these dog-of-the-month calendars, even though its September. No but seriously, you're hot. I like your black framed eye glasses and that employee ID thingie hanging around your neck. Let's go upstairs to the Starbucks, order some $12 coffee, and flip through magazines."

Unfortunately there were no lovely ladies, so I had to look at those paper things. I couldn't find any Garfield the Cat cartoon books, so I grabbed Catcher in the Rye and sat down. 2 pages in I was hooked. So even though I'm watching my carbs, I decided to buy it.

How come every time you check out at Barnes+Noble you get harassed like a criminal? No, I'm not going to give you my SS# and ruin my credit so I can get a B+N card and get a one-time 10% discount. That's only $1.40 you four-eyed fuck. Leave me alone and be happy I'm too lazy to go to the library.


I've been playing Minesweeper for about 10 years now, and NEVER, NOT ONCE, have I ever clicked on a mine on my first click. That's got to be some type of record.


I'm going to be rich soon and I'm going to open a restaurant called "Swashbucklers" where I go around in a pirates costume asking hot chicks if they have any fish sticks crammed up their vaginas.

Haha I really hope no one I know reads this blogg.


Melissa said...

You're just now discovering the awesomeness of Catcher in the Rye? Crazy

Anonymous said...

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emertron said...

Speaking of pirates, check out this craigslist.
ha ha ha ha ha. I totally want to respond to it because it's so effing funny. Did you really yell at the english major? That'd be awesome.

Conti said...

Anon- Thanks for reading my blog! I really appreciate the kind words. Hey do you have any legal advice you can give me on cat gyms?

Emer- haha that was really funny...I really want to copy that and use it for Austin, and see who respond

Conti said...

My comments are gay

el Bow said...

If you follow up Catcher in the Rye with Like Water for Chocolate, it will help wash down the grains and ease the ol' back passage.

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Anonymous said...

Hiya! Thanks for the comment on my blog...Wish I'd come across yours before I bought my domain...LOL! :-)
So you have a visitor coming your way. I read these things. :)

I'm waching blogs all day long and I found yours which is really nice :)

I like your news clips. Visit anytime, And Im always looking for new reads.

Thanks, you really have some interesting stuff on your site. keep at it.

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Conti said...

I'll do my best to keep it up, you guys!

the pants said...

gasoline is a whore.

how can you have read catch-22 but not catcher in the rye?!

Conti said...

i went to a special school where all our teachers had moustaches and taught us out to act like swashbucklers. Reading was not gentleman-like.

Ajax said...

Reading is for old people.

Does $3 for gas make you love it more? I think so.

Someday, instead of diamond engagement rings, the custom will be gasoline.

"I really love you baby. I bought you some gas."

After reading Catcher in the Rye, I suggest reading anything from the Oprah reading list. Or, what about all those instruction manuals that you have been putting off?

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You should learn how to operate that food processor, dude. Especially safety warnings, and: TIPS.

What is your social security number, by the way?

Great blog, by the way! I love your news clips. I'm always looking for something (not books) to read. Check out my site when you get a chance - it's donkey poker.

princess tatas said...

If those girls have fish sticks in their vaginas and/or smell like it, they should wash up and/or eat with a pineapple. It is true. Pineapple cures a smelly pununifer.