Life: The Eliminator

Everyday I wake up to the same noise. It's the beep beep beep I've heard since middle school. I roll out of bed and stand up. It's hard to keep my eyes open while I brush my teeth. I put on whatever shirt I'm wearing that day and zip up my jeans. I flick down the lightswitch and grab a glass of water before I head out for the day.

I wish that were different.

Tomorrow I hope I am awaken to hundreds of screaming fans and tennis balls flying at me. Nitro, the American Gladiator, has deadly aim with that tennis ball gun.

Instead of my boring apartment I'd roll out of my bed and into the American Gladiator battle arena. Nitro would just be shooting ball after ball at me and I'd be doing front rolls and body twists to avoid being nailed. I'd stick my hand out to see how trigger happy ole Nitro is today. Eventually I'd make it to the 3rd station where I'd carefully aim that cannon and hit the bullseye sign and smoke would get all over Nitro's tennis ball gun and he'd be furious. Then at the end of the maze there would be this awesome breakfast for me that Zap made.

Afterwards Larry Czonka would come over and interview me in his tuxedo. I'd take out my mouthpiece and thank God or something. Tower would come over and tell me tommorow morning I was dead meat in the joust.

Then I'd shower with Siren, that Gladiator. Since she's deaf we'd have to sign to each other but it would be hard to do that and shampoo at the same time so we'd laugh about that. Then I'd zipline to my closet and pick which out what color spandex I want to wear that day. (Red? or Blue?).

Instead of my car, I'd get in my huge red ball. I'd roll around that to work while Jazz and Gemini chased me around in big blue balls. (Ahaha no wonder they stopped doing that event mid-series)

That sounds nice, don't it now? Everyday when I got to work and took off my elbow pads and helmet I'd have a huge ass smile on my face. Ear to ear boy, I'll tell you.


TinaPoPo said...

Is Larry Czonka the guy that just had to be rescued from a boat in the Bering Sea?

Jeff said...

my favorite was always Laser. yeah, Laser owned.

Ajax said...

Maybe you could move to a not-boring apartment? Something with fluted spires, perhaps?

Great blog, by the way. Check out my blog if you get a chance, it's all about pickup up chicks using integral calculus.

Conti said...

Ah dude where were you when I had Pre-Cal with Elizabeth Horany? I had such a crush on her and didn't know I could woo her using math!

"Hey babe, wanna check out my TI-83?"

Tim said...

you'd probably have less of a huge ass smile if one of those rocket launched tennis balls hit you in the nads.

Rod Renegade said...

Ah yes... Siren's like a posable action figure.

par said...

haha dude that's great!! i feel the same way! cept maybe i'd pick something a little different than american gladiator :P

got here by way of a comment you left on our house blog (elhouseo.blogspot), anyway you should come to our next party :)

Christine said...

Hahaha I miss that show. Awesome post, Conti!

emertron said...

Wait...weren't the fans fake? Weren't they like cardboard or something?

Conti said...

Hey did anyone notice I turned real southern that last paragraph?

"Ear to ear boy, I'll tell you"


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