Neither have I

Have you ever been in a tanning salon and you're naked and you have eye goggles on and your listening to the radio and your getting a fake tan when all the sudden you realize that one day you're going to die, so you just start to cry?

Neither have I, you sappy bitch.

Have you ever been in the dark and listening to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly song and your staring at the paper mache farmer man creation that you made in 9th grade and all the sudden the paper mache person starts talking to you in this weird voice and you don't know who to turn too?

Neither have I, you awkward whore.

Have you ever been eating firehot cheetos and your hands are all red, and you see a hot picture of Jenny McCarthy, and your horny, and you masterbate, and your dick is all red and tingling from the cheetos residue?

Neither have I, you pervert pirate.

Have you ever been frowning because your unconfident, and your at a party and realize your the best at something out of everything in the room, so you start to feel good about yourself, and then you secretly whisper under your breath who in the room you'd like to fuck, and then you realize that you won't be fucking anyone in the room ever, and you start to get sad again, but then you give up on thinking?

Neither have I, you wasteland.

Have you ever been sitting in a room alone wondering what to do next and then you realize that you are capable of much destruction and you get happy about that, and then you think about how you shouldn't be happy about that, and then you get a weird look in your eyes and hold your hands in a power position?

Neither have I, you World 8 Bowser.

Have you ever been reading a book and you get attached to the characters and you don't want them to go away and so you read slower to make the book last longer and then you realize your an American and faster is always better and so you're fast but sad?

Neither have I, you ugly communist.


Melissa said...

Is faster really better? Really?

the pants said...

have you ever used "your/you're" incorrectly?

i haven't but youuuu have.

erin said...

i love you. let's get married at a gas station. but don't ever call me a world 8 browser again.

Clare said...

Wow. I haven't been called an ugly communist in many years.

Conti said...


I've known you are my special someone for quite some time now. I'd love to marry you at a Texaco or Shell or something.

Let's pump gas together forever.

emertron said...

Paper mache doesn't talk to you? I think you may have a serious problem on you hands (or some flamin' hot residue).

The Other Half said...

thanks...water on the screen that came from my nose...i have you to blame for this

ica said...

Yeah I was going to make the "you're" comment...that's my pet peeve.

I don't get this post. To me it seems bitter or something.