Date #34

I went on a date last night with a girl that I've never seen before.

We met at a bar.

It was an uber Austin club where hip kids who hate George Bush sit and drink Lone Star Beer. They smoke cigarettes and think about how their dads never hugged them enough.

I was wearing a pink (yet manly) shirt and looking fucking outstanding.

Anyways this girl walks in and we meet.

I'm not that attracted to her. Pretty cute face. She's kinda big but her boobs stick out more than her stomach so I'm not freaking. Also, she has a back tattoo of 2 faces with 1 head of hair. Not a good looking tat.

We sit down and chat. Actually, she chats. I listen and sit like a sexy silent bitch.

I don't think we were talking for 3 minutes before she asked if I do drugs.

"Umm no. No I don't really."

I can tell she is disappointed by non-drug-use. I will not be taking this girl to Red Lobster. I will not be finding out the name of her vagina. She is not my special someone.

She talks some more and blah blah blah. By this time it was 10pm and I haven't eaten since noon. I was pretty much spacing out from blood sugar. After 2 drinks I was tipsy and tired of listening to uninteresting chatter. A bored Conti is a dangerous Conti...

She was in the middle of telling me a story about how her friend hadn't been the same after he took 50 hits of acid when I interrupted her.

"Hey you knows what's weird? We both have beauty marks (read: mole) in the same place on our chin."

"Actually mine's a zit."

Wow. Hahaha. Yikes.

Somehow we continued the conversation. It was going better until this happened:

"Yeah, I never want to have kids. Never."
"You say that now, but I guarentee in 6 or 7 years you'll want them."
"No. Never."
"Oh sure you will."
"No. NEVER. I can't even think about it. STOP. "

Then she stood up and stormed off. She thrusted out of her chair and just ran off. I was confused and happy. Confused as to what had just happened. Happy that this boring night turned blog worthy.

I kind of looked around with a "WTF? Did anyone else just see that?" expression on my face. I sipped my Tecate and checked my watch. She came back 3 minutes later.

"I'm sorry about that. That was my psychotic side. That's just a button of mine. A really big button. There is a girl I work with that is 9 months pregnant and I can't even look at her. I will just never have kids. Never. "

I smiled and pretended like I understood why she just flipped out. Then I got up and closed my tab. It was time to go.

The goodbye was brief.

"Well it was nice meeting you."
"Thanks for the drinks."
"Have a good night!"


Ajax said...

Do you ever think that maybe you are..."too" sexy?

I'm glad you wore pink. I wore pink yesterday too. Coincidence?

ps. I missed dates #1-33, can you fill me in?

ica said...

Uh...that's the last date with that person, right?

Melissa said...

I bet you just got Punk'd

TinaPoPo said...

I hope she calls! She sounds pretty!

Christine said...

pretty Psycho!

bob said...

what's (cONTi) ?

Tim said...

I bet her vagina's name is Really Big Button.

Conti said...

Ajax- Let's wear red today. And silly hats! Also Dates #1-33 was a lot of crying and awkward hugs. #23 was going really well until the soy sauce incident.

Jessica- she will not be getting a phone call from me

Mellisa- haha i knew something smelt fishy

Tim- haha good one

Jeff said...

i frequent these bars that you speak of and these are sad truths you name (well, some are sadder than others.) but what's interesting to note is that i consistently wear pink in these bars and the guys scoff while the ladies compliment the pink. it just goes to show that we know what women want...but as your story indicates..women are fucking whack-o.

bob said...

tinapopo- sorry

christine- sorry

conti- what's (cONTi) ?

Conti said...


cONTI is a pleasure dome

Ashley said...

is this the weirdest and most awkward date you have ever been on? cause it sounds like it... poor you :)

The Prose~cuter said...

by the by, nice touch w/the tecate. truly the choice of champions.

emertron said...

Wow. That's one of the worst dates I've ever heard of. I apologize for her on behalf of all women. We are not all that psycho.

princess tatas said...

That is bad. The last "date" I was on, although not really a date because we just went to his cabin and drank some beer,... but anyway, he asked me to stay over. Stay over in a one room cabin where his children are also staying. I don't think I will be putting on a freak show or making your kids feel uncomfortable and have terrible dreams about daddy and that lady.
PS, not all girls are skinny and some of the non-skinny girls are really hot mamas.... I am one. My boobs stick out way more than my belly now, so apparently all is good.

ambs77 said...

ha ha ha!!!
i hate akward dates. they suck!

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