7.22.2005

H-Town

My name is Michael Conti. I am from Houston, Texas.

I currently live in Austin, an amazingly beautiful and fun city. But I will never be an Austinite. Nor do I ever want to be. My heart belongs in another city. A city of paradise and perfections. I am a Houstonian, and very proud of it.

Houston is the best city in the best state in this US of A. Since many of you aren't from Houston, we'll explore how. From its foundations to the present, I'll give you some insight. My only hope is that you learn to greater appreciate the fine city of Houston.

One thing you need to know: The best is always hated. Outsiders are very jealous of the city and all it has to offer. It's pretty funny because I know as soon as I post this somebody from a shitty city like dallas or new york is going to post something like "blah blah Pollution. AHGGHHH." or "blah blah ghetto. AHGGHHH." HAHA - You shouldn't throw stones when you live in a glass house, friend. I'm sorry you weren't born in Houston...but don't hate. It's not your fault you were born inferior: you were born that way!


Houston, Texas

I'll bet you didn't know that 350 days out of the year are perfect in Houston, Texas. Everyone has a tan in Houston because we are the sun's favorite city. It's really soemthing special. Look at those heavenly clouds!


This is Sam Houston, founder of our great city. Sam was a fucking stud. Once 50,000 Navejo Indians set their greedy eyes on Houston and attacked the city. Sam Houston and a few hundred Houstonians defended the city with honor. Sam killed 22,000 Navejo's himself. It was NOT like the alamo where all the good guys died and the mexicanos overran the city.

NASA is in Houston. Guess what the first word on the moon was? Houston (that's true, too). Houstonians made that badass space rocket. The city has always number one in technology, and I wouldn't be surprised if the city came up with a cure for AIDS in a few months. And no Apollo 13 'Houston We Have A Problem'references - get original for pete's sake. Actually what happened in that movie? FUCKING HOUSTONIANS WENT UP AGAINST ALL ODDS AND SAVED THE ASTRONAUTS. HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM? WORLD, WE HAVE A SOLUTION. H-TOOOOOOOOWN!


Houston is the home of the 8th Wonder of the World. The Astrodome is kind of like the pyramids, except it actually serves a purpose and isn't covered in sand. The dome has been home to exciting sporting events, presidential elections, and rowdy rodeos. It's also been scientifically proven that you can't get into Heaven unless you have been in the Astrodome at some point in your life.

Houston has the greatest rap in the world. From Fat Pat to Swisha House, the 3rd Coast always brings it. Just look at that DJ Screw album cover. A fucking skull with a screw in it. Our rappers do a good job of letting everyone know that Houston is tough. If every city in the country started to fight, Houston would easily dominate. We would just work together and roam around the country being better than everyone.

A Story: H-Town Has It's Back Against The Wall

Anyone who has ever been to Texas knows how important football is. Remember Varsity Blues? It's like that all over Texas. In the 80's and the 90's, Houston had a pro football team named the Oilers. The city loved the team so much that fans wore powder blue t-shirts and sang gay song about how the Oilers were the best.

Then, the Oilers betrayed the city. Bud Adams, the greedy jewish owner of the team, told everyone he wanted more money and didn't want the team to play in the Astrodome anymore. "I'll move the team to another city!" he threatened through the Houston Post and other media outlets. "I'll move the football team to Tennessee where there is a newer stadium!"

This was a huge crisis in the city. The city loved with all its heart the Oilers and the football that they played. How could Houston be without football? The city was vulnerable. The proud city was in danger. And do you know what the Houstonians did? "We don't need the Oilers!", they shouted. "Get out of town you greedy somofabitch!" People put bumper stickers on their trucks saying "See You In Hell, Bud". And they meant it.

Houston had overcame. We didn't cave in like a bunch of pussies like all other cities would. Eventually the city's patience was rewarded, and we got an even better football team that didn't make us where gay powder blue.

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Houston's greatness is endless...but unfortunetly this blogg post cannot be. I hope that you have gotten a better idea about Houston, and why it is better than everywhere else. Thank you very much for your time. I look forward to your feedback. I am Michael Conti, a Houstonian.

16 comments:

Tim said...

Do you remember who Houston lost to in the 1980 NLCS? Yep, Philly. The greatest town in the world.

Ajax said...

Wasn't that tv show "Dallas" about Houston?

Also, a friend of mine was nearly man-raped in Houston! Yay.

Melissa said...

Everyone in Houston has a tan because the ozone layer has completely deteriorated due to the smog. But I hear it's a great place to vacation and get cancer ;)

Conti said...

Man Rape and Cancer aren't too too bad.

The Prose~cuter said...

This post was glorious. I no longer miss Austin from here, I miss Houston!!

bruce said...

umm...if every city in the country were to start fighting, do you really think houston could beat chicago? i don't even think houston could handle cleveland. houston might give tallahassee a run for its money though. or terra haute. i bet houston could beat up terra haute, indiana.

but seriously. your town's great beceause some white guys stole it from some "greedy" indians, the indians tried to get it back, weren't successful and so now the ancestors of those same white people can get sun burned all year round? if you really loved your city, you could come up with something much better.

also, austin has a better music scene.

The Prose~cuter said...

i think you mean greedy mexicans.

bruce said...

no, i did mean indians (which the navejo are/were), but i also meant "descendants" instead of "ancestors." but thank you for forcing me to review my comment and allowing me to make the neccessary changes, you ignorant fuck.

hey mike, can we have a real ode to what may or may not be an outstanding city? i'm sure houston has some cool shit, you just haven't shown it. although nasa is pretty cool.

Conti said...

Bruce,

Houston has inner city ganstas with lots of guns. We also have cowboys with lots of guns. The city also has a oil money that we can use to make even more guns. Also, as mentioned, NASA is in H-town and they create powerful lasers on a daily basis.

I could easily see Houston defeated Chicago in a 2 day battle. Cleveland would take 6 hours. Tallahassee, 45 minutes.

Conti said...

Austin has a much better live music scene, yes. But when it comes to rap H-Town takes the cake.

Live music is overrated, too. I can't see a band in my car when I'm on my way to work. I'll take my Slim Thug CD. Thanks.

Conti said...

And the only reason it would take 2 days to defeat Chicago is it's so windy there that we'd have to purchase and distribute parkas before we raged war.

maryanne said...

sounds like our navajo, i'm sorry, navejo friend bruce should watch 13 days to glory! ohh, blogfights... i love middle school!

Conti said...

we once had a blogfight maryanne, do you remember that?

haha

Conti said...

it wasn't as mighty as this one though...this dope doesn't know anything about h-tooooown.

Leslie said...

oh hell no. h-tooowwn nawf side represent

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