Let me tell you about the time I went to a formal.
Over a year ago when I was still in college, I was invited to attend a sorority formal by Lindsay B. I've known Lindsay B for years. Lindsay B is alpha female. Perfect. I could easily see us getting married in 2008. Anyways she invited me to this formal because I'm the funnest person in Texas. (fun nest - intruiging compound word)
The night started at 8, when I went to Lindsay and her roommates house. I met all her roommates and their dates, etc etc. I'm from Houston, etc etc. Yeah I rented this tux, etc etc. I'm an advertising major etc etc. You look great etc etc.
Then everyone crazy drank. Crown and coke times forteen. A beer here and there. All giggly and buzzy by 9:30.
Drunk-a-lunk before we even headed to dinner. I kept on calling people by the wrong name, and Lindsay B decided she didn't want to wear heels with her beautiful dress, but instead a pair of bathroom slippers.
Eventually we took a cab to Sullivan's, one of the fanciest restaurants in town. There I had a few whiskey and cokes and walked around with a bowl of nacho chips, asking everyone in our private room if they wanted any crispy treats. Lindsay was by herself watching college basketball on a 10" TV near the bar. She was so into it she rarely blinked.
I went to the bathroom when I overheard some rich old dude talk about his new car. He was a prick, you could tell by just looking at him.
"What type of car did you get?", I ask. "A corvette," he answered, obviously very pleased with himself. I looked at him (while he was peeing) and responded with "MMMM. MMM." That was it. I didn't use real words. He looked annoyed and confused, which is exactly what I'd hoped for.
From there we took another taxi to Old Pecan St., a fancy bar on 6th street. It was somewhere on the drive that Lindsay B stopped responding to human interaction. She had matched me drink to drink, which is quite impressive for her small frame.
While Lindsay B could not speak: she could dance. We somehow ended up on the dance floor, doing some type of swing dance to 50 Cent. Lindsay B would fling me around and I would fling her around and we would almost fall and then laugh and then fall for real and then laugh. We didn't know it at the time, but we were knocking people over and basically ruining the dance floor. I'm pretty sure people set up like a 15 foot radius around us.
After dancing I decided to drink another 2 rum and cokes. Meanwhile, some of Lindsay B's sober roommates noticed that a good 5 girls were too-too drunk and needed to get home. So they took those people, including Lindsay B, home.
Not much happened the next hour. I watched some drunk people make out, sat down but still felt like I was moving, and talked with Lindsay's best friend Brooke about how I loved her low cut dress.
Well the next thing I know, I'm one of three people left at this bar. Apparently it was 2 am and time to go home. I didn't know the only other 2 people at the bar, so I stumble onto 6th, trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to get home.
When suddenly it hits me: THE EBUS. For those not familiar, the Ebus is a UT shuttle that runs from downtown to campus. It's the drunk wagon. It rocks.
After staggering 3 blocks, I plop down in a window seat. A few seconds later some dude that looks like he came from a Star Trek Convention sits down next to me. I loudly introduce myself and find out his name is Jimmy.
As the bus started off, I decided to call The Machine. Since the Ebus is loud and I was drunk, I had to yell:
"HEY DEAN ITS MIKE. I'M TAKING THE EBUS HOME MAN. COULD YOU PICK ME UP AT CAMPUS? IM DRUNK AND IN A RENTED TUX AND DONT WANT TO WALK A MILE AND SHIT. OH YOU CAN PICK ME UP? NICE DUDE, THANKS MAN. OH AND DEAN...BRING ME AS MANY FUCKIN KNIVES AS YOU CAN FIND. BRING ME A FUCKIN LONG KNIVE MAN. IM SERIOUS, DEAN"
Well for some reason the girl in front of me found interest in my convo with The Machine, because as soon as I hung up she turned around:
"No one's coming to pick YOU up. You don't have any friends. Stop yelling on the phone."
"You heard me. You don't have any friends. Stop pretending to call people."
She was chubby and unattractive, standing near the door with 2 dudes who looked like they were 17. She was wearing jeans but didn't have a belt on. Her hair was in a ponytail. And she was smoking a cigarette. Who the fuck smokes a cigarette on the Ebus?
"Uh-Huh, my friend Dean is coming. He's going to pick me up in his mexican truck. And he's going to bring me knives."
"Shut up. No one's going to pick you up. Stop lying."
After that I called her a bitch and felt sad. Not really because of what she was saying, but because I thought I lost my tux jacket. After a few minutes of searching my seat area, I realized that my jacket was not lost. I was still wearing it and had just unbuttoned it. I was so happy I gave Jimmy a hi five and shouted "I'm back on top, Jimmy!"
After that I called up The Machine again to make sure he was still going to meet me. He was.
"How many times do I have to tell you to get off the phone? No one is coming to pick YOU up. You're a no-friends loser."
"Wanna bet, bitch?"
At that time the Ebus stopped and the doors flung open. I was the first one off the bus, lunging out past the bitch. 10 yards from after I step off the bus, I was met by The Machine. He had a cup full of knives. Seriously a cup with about 15 knives in it. I didn't say a word to Dean. I grabbed the longest knive and headed back towards the bus.
"HEY CANCER BITCH! I TOLD YOU HE'D COME! I TOLD YOU HE'D COME! CANCER BITCH! FUCKIN LOOK AT THIS, CANCER BITCH! HE BROUGHT MY KNIVES, CANCER BITCH!"
I still laugh when I think about her face. I had a fuge fuckin knive and was yelling at her and walking back towards the bus. She screamed in terror and tried to manually close the doors. She tried to use those chubby arms to close the Ebus doors. Haha. "CLOSE THE DOORS" she yelled.
I laughed heartily/drunkenly as the Ebus pulled away. I doubled over in happiness. I sure did show that Cancer Bitch.
After that Dean drove me back to my place and he filmed me pour Raisin Bran cereal all over my kitchen while I meowed loudly.
Honest to God that was one of the greatest nights of my life. A 10. My 2 fav people in the world, crown, knives, the ebus, Jimmy, dancing...it had it all. I pray I have more nights like that....