I cried yesterday.

I don't do it often. But yesterday I cried. Nothing bad or sad happened. But yesterday I cried.

I cried while I was watching TV. Now, every year I cry around Christmas time when I watch It's A Wonderful Life. And once or twice I've teared up during Home Extreme Makeover, because freaking some 9 year old kid has had a terrible life and now he has a huge home with a go-cart in the back. But that's it.

My eyes were dry during Million Dollar Baby when Clint Eastwood killed off Hillary Swank at the end of the movie (SPOILER ALERT). I didn't give way to wet emotions when Padme gave up on living when she birthed out Luke and Leia. I even held it in when the Astros lost to the Cardinals in last years NLCS. (I didn't speak for hours, though)

But yesterday I lost it. I lost it while watching a commercial. A used car commercial.

I was watching MTV when the commercials started to roll. First, a dumb Hershey's commercial rolls: "My boyfriend and I always argue who makes the best smores. I totally win." FUCK YOU AD AGENCY WORLD. I shake my head is disappointment as a local car dealership commercial starts up.

"Howdy! Come on down to Champion Ford blah blah blah. We've got some deals that will BLOW YOU AWAY! If we can't sell it, we'll blah blah blah. Look at this 99 fully loaded blah blah blah"

You know local car dealership commercials. Balloons on cars. Empty promises. Cowboy hats (Texas only). 1980's film quality. Fake smiles.

At the end of the spot they cut away from a shitty green Dodge to an overweight guy in a cheap grey suit:

"Hi. I'm Don Harlan, owner of Harlan Dodge Motors. It's my promise you won't find a better deal anywhere in Texas. Come on out to our lot and visit me. I want to be your friend."

Now that doesn't sound like anything worth crying about. But you should have heard him say "I want to be your friend". He half-way whimpered as he said it. His eyes were desperate and serious. He was staring right at my soul through the tv screen. He really, really wants to be my friend.

I started thinking about this guy and his call for help. How he is probably sick of being overweight. Sick of being a car salesman. Sick of being lonely. And I just lost it. That poor, poor man. He wants to be my friend. He has a tv commercial asking people to be his friend.

Anyways I don't need a car right now but when I do I'm going to visit Don. Ask him if he wants to go swimming or something. Shake his hand and pat him on the back and thank him for the 1998 Dodge Durango. Tell him he was a pleasure to work with. Ask for one of the balloons and inhale the helium and talk in that funny voice and hope Don laughs. Laugh with me Don. Don't you hear my voice? Isn't that unusual? You try Don! You try! It's working with you too! Haha! That's neat! Isn't that neat, Don? Isn't that something, Don?


Melissa said...

The world needs more Contis :)

Ajax said...

And this whole time I thought your heart was made of coal.

Conti said...

Not coal, dear friend. But kitty kats and smiles.

Christine said...

Mike, you fricken sweetheart!! I love this entry...love it!!! If I could have babies with this post, I would. ;)

Conti said...

And then post would make love and babies with you, Penny, and long as you promised to spoon with it afterwards.

Conti said...

that comment minus one n

Christine said...


Tim said...

You should get Don on a workout regimene. Don would probably smile more if he felt better about his weight problem.

Jack said...

OMG Mike ... I am so laughing right now. No no. Not because you cried.

Because I saw the commercial the other night.

And I know exactly what you mean. Don is so very very sincerely serious in his plea.

Conti said...

haha thats awesome Jack. I wish I had it the commercial on tape. What station did you see it on?