- I've never asked anyone, "Hey do you want to make out in the kitchen?"
- I keep on thinking how weird it would be if poor people didn't sweat.
- There is this planet somewhere where lifeforms slide all over these soft, colorful tubes and its a lot of fun and they never get tired of sliding and there is no up, down, left, or right.
- I have a palm tree acid catcher in my hallway.
- My social security is 456-92-0018
- If your cell phone were a 15-year old girl, you'd be in jail, buddy
- My new apartment is going to be krunk-a-lunk
- Sending faxes should replace baseball as America's National Pasttime
- I kan mispell wordz beter than any1.
- I could throw a bunny rabbit farther than you.
- I once knew a toothless Egyptian teenager that would run marathons and pee in sinks. Now he has teeth, is no longer a teen, and makes monthly payments on a water boat.
- I'm shrinking.
- A good LOL joke is to say you plan on proposing to your future wife at Olive Garden.
- Once The Machine, The Egyptian, Chuckster, and myself took this midget to a Houston Astros baseball game. The midget had a loud voice and he started spitting everywhere. A uniformed woman had to warn him and the rest of us let out embarrassed giggles.
- The next time I ask a girl out on a date, and she says "NO", I'm going to request a powerpoint presentation that lays out why she said "NO".
- I'd eat a stapler for $3,100,000
- When push comes to shove, I could live life without straws
- If you're furious with an enemy, throw a soggy bagel at him. Gross.