Acid + Knives, dawg


Fucking acid.

Do you remember the acid?

Well when I was way the fuck up north looking at apartments the acid decided to leak onto my back tired and fucking explode the tire and shitty flat tire shit fuck tire acid fuck.

The next 5 hours was filled with sweat, oil, failure, frustration and darkness.

Turns out GMC didn't really think out the whole "What happens if a tire blows out?" question. Because they equipped me with a shitty jack that couldn't lift a matchbox toy car, let alone the fucking tank SUV that I drive around in.

Of course I didnt figure that out until it was way way too late. But there wasn't much I could do. So of course I call the insurance company and they come out with the right tools and do in 5 minutes what i couldn't do in 5 hours. That acid! LoLz

Props to The Rook for helping me out. He spent 2 hours with me trying to figure it out. I owe you a beer, 4 kickouts for open 3's, and some type of medal.

Something good did happen from the whole event though. I remembered a great night:

So this is when I lived with Ahmed and The Machine at the Red Brick Abode (i.e. the greatest aparment ever).

One night, some people across our apartment complex were having a pretty big party. Since our complex was small, there were a lot of people hanging outside, right near our place. We were drinking too so we decided to hang outside, check everything out.

It wasn't but a few minutes when Ahmed looks over and says "Holy shit. That's him! That's the guy that fucking hit me!" He was talking about the coward that a year previous hit him for no reason at a party we were at, knocking out 2 of his teeth and fucking up his jaw pretty good. We looked over and sure enough saw that asshole drinking a beer not 15 feet away with a buddy of his. Ahmed gave him a toothless grin. He was suing the shit at him at the time so we decided it wouldnt be smart to fuck him up. But we couldn't just sit there. So I started thinking. I had just beat Splinter Cell on X-Box, so I was feeling pretty sneaky and went to the kitchen.

I decided to grab some knives and put them in a backpack. We remembered what kind of car he drove so I thought it would be good to find it and slash the tires. I head out the door on my secret mission and don't get 5 steps when 2 chicks from the party come up to me.

"Hey I know you!"
"Oh. Yes. Hello."
"Do you live here?"
"Yeah in that unit over there."
"Awesome - Hey can we use your bathroom? There's a huge line at the party."
"Um sure. Here, come on."

I let them in. Turns out I met one of these girls from a fraternity party I went to a few weeks before. She was really, really, really, attactive. After a few minutes:

"Hey thank you so much. I love your place. Hey, why do you have a backpack on?"
"Oh. I'm going to study."

What the fuck was I supposed to say? I have knives in my backpack, bitch. I'm going to run around outside on a secret mission. My mind was so occupied that I didn't pick up on the fact that she was totally hitting on me. This was one of the top 5 hottest girls to outright hit on me, and I didn't do shit about it because I was thinking about the knives in my backpack. I was telling her I was going to study on a Saturday night, because I wanted to be secret and run around in the dark with fucking knives.

She even said "Yea we should hang out sometime."
To which I responded "Well I'm sure we'll bump into each other again."

Way to go Conti. She was a punk girl too. Totally hot. But I kept on visualizing the knives in my backpack and how I was going to run around like an asshole.

Well she finally left and I got to run around outside looking for his car. Of course it wasn't there. His friend drove. Or maybe he left while the hot chick was hitting on me. Either way I was furious. I didn't get to see any chick naked and I didn't get to have a secret knife mission.

But eventually Ahmed got some money and some new teeth. I got a good story to tell. That's just as good as a really hot girl. Right? Right?


Melissa said...

That's the funniest thing I've read in forever!!
Ignoring a girl for a secret mission, and a hot one at that; sucks to be you

Rook said...

I propose 5 kick outs, 3 smoothies and a trophy with a karate guy on it, that is all.

Conti said...

Can the smoothies be homemade?

Conti said...

Yeah i know Melissa. She had a tongue ring too.

Ajax said...

That is truly a terrible, terrible story. You only get a shot at the truly hott once or twice a lifetime, it seems.

Your consolation, however, is that she was probably a lousy kisser, terrible in bed, picked her nose, or some other thing.

I'm sure underneath that beautiful exterior lies a horrible person, haha, these are your consolations.

Melissa said...

If she was a punk girl and you had met her at a fraternity party, she was probably the Avril Lavigne type punk. You know, the kind that shops at Hot Topic and sticks her tongue out while yelling "Yeah!' all the time.

Conti said...

Yeah exactly. Sooo hot quasi punk girl with firm breasts and multi colored hair.

Ahmed said...

doesn't anyone think that it's horrible that my f*cking teeth got knocked out and that we weren't even able to retaliate with some sweet knife action??

Ali said...

Ahahhahh I was going to say the same thing Ahmed! At least you got new teeth...

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