3.04.2005

A wide variety...

I won at Tetris again. Thanks.

That means by total Tetris winnings are:

Best Buy $20
Subway $5
Blockbuster $10
Baskin-Robbins $18

All of those are gonna be pretty useful except the Baskin-Robbins money. I'm not a big ice cream fan. I need to get a fat girlfriend. "Hey babe let's go to Baskin-Robbins again." That would be pretty badass. Actually I think I do need a girlfriend. I'm getting bored with not having one. I'm going to start an application process. I'll probably ask them a bunch of questions and have then do an essay. I don't want to do the whole dating thing because I don't have the money.


Beaks are probably better than mouths. I say this because penguins have beaks, and penguins are superior to humans. Penguins don't pollute and can slide on ice. Humans pollute and have to wear shoes. Also, penguins are very polite and don't use guns.


I was out trying to catch butterflies one day when I overheard this midget making fun of penguins because penguins have wings but can't fly. I told him to shut up but he didn't. He was a fat midget in a business suit and a thick brown mustache. I told him he looked like a jewish hobbit but he still wouldn't quit. I became enraged and started chasing that fat midget with my butterfly catching net. After a few minutes of intense chase I cornered him. The midget had to make a decision. It was either my net or a high-traffic freeway.

Choose your own adventure:

If you think the midget chose the freeway, read Part A.
If you think the midget chose the net, read Part B.

Part A.
The midget finally shouted "You'll never catch me!" and jumped onto the freeway. I watched in shock as car after car whizzed by him, eventually getting across 3 lanes of highway before he was railed by a royal blue Dodge Durango. The irony made me chuckle. "Looks like you couldn't dodge that one, you fat midget businessman!" I didn't catch any butterfly that day...but I still went home happy.

Part B.
The midget finally shouted "I give up buddy," and didn't fight as I swung my net on top of his small body. I scooped him in the net and started to shake violently. "Penguins can't fly, aye? Well maybe YOU CAN." I then swung the net back and flung the midget as hard as I could onto the highway. He hit the pavement and lay motionless for a moment before he was hit by a forest green Ford Explorer. I laughed and shouted "Looks like you can't fly after all, you fat midget businessman!" I even imagined a dozen penguins across the highway cheering for me by using their cute wings to clap for me. I didn't catch any butterfly that day...but I still went home happy.

1 comment:

Dean said...

One day your going to get sued and/or attacked by group of midgets. When you do will you please film the whole event and make it into an award winning documentary?

I could see you in a courtroom, suit on, forehead sweating furiously, eyes fixed on the same position your unwavering right hand is pointing at. A few meters away, cowering in fear, a lone midget sits on the witness stand refusing to testify for fear of what your ridgid hand could possibly mean. The judge tries to end your stifiling of the witness with 3 swift hits of the gavel, but you pay no attention; you continue staring unmercifully at the well dressed midget whose darting eyes find no sympathy amongst the crowd becuase all those in attendance have their eyes fixed on you. A few form the question in their heads most are to frightened to think about "What is he about to do?"