This all came from my brain

My name is Michael Conti and I can tan faster than any kid on the block.

My other skills include:

receiving compliments
grenade throwing
hammerhead shark killing
Grade 5 Plastic Fruit Pointer-Outer
Figuring out time from most clocks (a.m. only)
introducing German foreign exchange students to drugs
naked jump roping
drunken Duck Hunt
hammock laying
knowing when animals are sad
tree climbing (with or without shoes)
listening to hardcore rap but not act gansta
Blue Ribbon Nipple Winner
stealing shopping carts and selling them to homeless people
multiple calf raises (left leg only)
creating hatred between bears and werewolves
island hopping
making hamster homes from old shoeboxes
feeding Hobbits
making fun of midgets and old people
daring drunk people to drive
ruining DVDs of movies that I find mediocre
Mormon munching
licking sports equipment
betting strong when I am actually weak (pre-flop only)
bathing in soy sauce
interrupting world leaders
eating a snack and watching HBO
visiting various websites on a bi-daily basis
staring at the girls
painting the condo

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