2.10.2005

God and Doctors

I've had a personal breakthrough recently that I'd like to share.

I honestly believe that God put me on this Earth for a reason.

I thought my purpose was to become a creative, good man who always smiled. I thought my purpose was to make others laugh and help them feel good inside. I thought my purpose was to truly love a beautiful woman and have beautiful children. To treat them perfect and fulfill my endless potential. To grow old and wise and happy.

But like so many times in my life...I was wrong.

God put me on this Earth for one reason, and one reason only.

God put me on this Earth to play Dr. Mario.

I don't impress myself often. But when it comes to Dr. Mario I take the cake. I truly believe in my heart that I am the best Dr. Mario player in the entire world. For those of you who don't know Dr. Mario is an old Nintendo game where you color code pills and put them on colorful viruses. The game is a lot like Tetris (another game I am good at), except with a Mario twist. The game is ingenious. It's the Cadillac of video games.

How much do I love this game? After I wrote the first the few paragraphs I started thinking about playing and I got all excited and I went upstairs and played for half an hour.

I played beautifully by the way. I'm artistic in my skills. I know where I'm going to place the next pill before I know what it is. My hands and brain are one. I don't think and I don't blink. I just play. I just play and play and play.

God gave me this gift for a reason. Here's why:

Say Satan challenged God to a random competition that would decide the fate of the universe and its existence. Somehow, some way, it was decided that Dr. Mario would be the game. I would be the one chosen by God to fight evil. I would be God's Dr. Mario mercenary. I would be the one that would decide the fate of the world. Satan would probably pick an Asian guy (maybe even the creator of the game). After some prayer, God and I would travel to purgatory where the epic battle would take place. Little would be said when Satan arrived. I wouldn't shake the Asian man's hand because my hands need to be completely relaxed, completely pure. I would sit in my chair and get used to the controller in my hand. I would visualize the pills, Dr. Mario, what it means if I lose. I'd take a deep breath, and press start...

Satanic Asian Boy would have no chance. When I'm on...I'm on. When I'm at my best my eyes glaze over and my subconscious guides me. The Asian would be shouting in Japanese "Please no throw your pills so fast, Dr. Mario. " Meanwhile I'd be cruising. Virus after virus...blue blue blue...red red red...2 yellow fall...another one down...zap zap zap. Meanwhile 'Chill' plays and thats what I'm doing. Because I know that the world will be okay. And I'll have my chance to love a beautiful woman and have beautiful kids. Because I play Dr. Mario like a son of a bitch. And Satan can't stop me. The virus can't stop me. No one can. I'm Dr. Conti. I'm Dr. Fucking Conti.

1 comment:

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