this isn't a very good

Raise the roof!  Put raisins on the roof!  Raisins are grapes!  Grapes are wine!  Jesus gives you wine at church!

guy walks into a bar.  bartender says "what can i get you"  guy says "some orange juice and a new pair of shoes"  turns out this bar serves brunch.  turns out it was rainy so the guy's shoes got wet on the walk in.  turns out the guy has a great sense of humor and decided to comment on it.  bartender says "haha well i can't help you with the shoes, but the orange juice will be right out"  guy has great brunch.  turns out the cinammon pancakes lived up to the hype.

I've been to many cities and over 100 buildings, so I'm an expert when it comes to those things. Here's the thing about those things:  they've got to be good. I'll walk into a building and say to myself "this building here, this isn't a good thing" I look at the bricks and see cracks, look at the wood and it looks like it got wet.  I look at the doors and they don't look very touchable. Am I the only one that guages the touchability factor of a door? Chicago airport bathroom door 1.4. Upscale hipster hotel in Austin 8.8.  

I've been thinking about Maya and I know why the caged bird sings lately, although I don't know about either topic.  It's a good title.  That's what's resonating with me the most.  I'll try to write a poem now, that's equally as exciting as the aforementioned poem (it's a poem, right?).  Actually no, I'm just going to come up with a good poem title because that's 60% of the battle (poem battle).

I know why the working man smiles
Cats and 5-Guy Burgers
Examples of Non-Sexual Smiles
I know why the bad cat chews
Gettin' flirty with the women of Quiznos


Conti 3:16

"I want to zipline from cloud to cloud," the X-treme angel Todd said to Jesus.  "Totally serious, bro."

"We have rules in heaven, Todd.  Sky law." Jesus replied.

"Bro, I'm practically a zip expert, and I'll only zip on the softest of clouds."

"But what if something happened?  Do you have any idea what that'd do to heaven's insurance premium?"

"No worries, I'll sign a waiver.  I respect Sky law."

"And I'm assuming you'd wear a helmet.  ...right?"

"Come on Hay Zues - the helmet halo combo is so un baller.  I'm an expert-"


"Fine, gosh.  I'll wear a helmet."

"Oh.  Actually.  You can wear my go pro when you're zipping.  We'll post your zip vids to our Twitter account.  I'm trying to get more followers to our @Heaven account."

"Cool, Cool."

And thus Hay Zueses @Heaven account gained 14 new followers.  #ZipVids #GoPro #CloudSurfing #ToddsTime #RippinClouds #OnCloud9 #CumulusGlider


Smile. Laugh. Love.

Smile!  This blog is about happiness.  What makes you happy?  Does the sun make you happy?  Does your son make you happy?  Is your son happy?  Does the sun make your son happy?  How did you get in here?  I made a mistake.  I thought you were someone else.  I don't know you.  Do I know you?  How did you get in here?  This is supposed to be private. 

Laugh!  This blog is about laughter.  What makes you laugh?  Does your puppy make you laugh?  Have any funny jokes you'd like to share?  Who's your favorite comedian?  Have you ever met a jester?  Heard the one about the out of control hamster and the jew?  Why are you here?  I don't think you're supposed to be here.  I didn't plan on this.  Don't you realize the position you're putting me in?  I'm uncomfortable.

Love!  This blog is about love.  When was the first time you knew you were in love?  What makes your heart fill up with warmth?  If you don't have love in your life, are you really living?  Are you fair with your love?  Does she love you as much as you love her?  What's your problem?  I don't even know why I try anymore with you.  It's getting so old. 



"Lick my butt dust, honky!," Selena shouted at the shop owner.  

"I warned you never to step foot in my store again!"  

"Mark that under who gives a shit!  These doritos are for my sick madre."

"No.  They're for customers WHO PAY ME FOR THEM."  

His hands disappeared from her sight, slipping below the counter.  

"Well you'd better call your Lays rep and inquire about a reorder, because you're going to be down a few bags in a few moments when I walk the fuck out of here."

"Like hell I am."

He pulled out the shotgun.  

"Oh look, ole eggplant for brains has a gun.  Is it loaded?"

He cocked the gun back.  

"You'll find out in a minute, Suzie Q Cool Ranch."

Selena extended her pointer finger in the air.

"Pew, Pew, Pew.  It's World War Frito.  I'm General Pringles.  Who are you, old man?"

"I'm Commander Cheeto, and youre gonna die."  

"Sounds like funyun."  



How to Make Millions

Things overheard at work today.  

  • Now, only if you're apart of the Power Club will you be allowed into that area
  • It might be better to have a Pub Crawl.  I'm open to having a crawl.  It's up to you.  
  • That's faster than I run. I could see it, but I'm like, coffee could come up.  When I push it really hard, I start pulsating and almost throw up. 
  • Melanie's ear is so impacted, I have to go with her to get it sucked out.  They cleaned one out on Friday at Urgent Care, but it turns out that the other ear is completely impacted.  
  • It's a good job.  Open up the celery.  Oh.  
  • It's water and alcohol mixed.  And you have to cover your mouth because it stings. We used the ferminator, but it didn't work.  They are very soft. 
  • Okay yeah I'll come get an email set up.  Um, these registration passes are ta-da, okay?  Would the lounge be removed?  Okay, okay. 
  • Yeah, the Baltimore file is seedy.  You know what I'm saying?  
  • I'll put the onion juice in your ear.  I put the candle in.  
  • Seeing that little parking spot gives me a pump of energy.  I always wonder...who's gonna be there? 
  • We have to bring our own scale?  Holy Moly. 


The Forgotten

Oh you poor, poor reader.  You thought I abandon you.  You thought I forgot.  You believed that Father Moustachio started another Internet family.  No no no - I've just been making a man out of myself!  I took a 7 year blog break to turn this minced meat into true moustachio man!  Oh sure, occasionally I'd pop my eyes around the corner and have a see.  I'd even click the "New Post" button.  My fingers would tremble and I'd write a few sentences about a sick panther before Uncle Commerce would call my name.  "Only you can save the company!," he'd say.  "Can't you do that another time?"  

"A draft for me to finish on another day," I'd convince myself.  Well, below you'll find more drafts than a pub in Ireland (#PUN).  I don't want to have any more drafts.  So here are the forgotten @Moustachio blogs...


Hey Readers!

It's me, Moustachio.  Still cute as ever.  lol.  How's your life going?  Or should I say...how many retweets are you getting these days?  lol.  I'm rich now.  lol.  I have a townhome and an ipad and a wine rack.  lol.  I have a girlfriend with bigger tits than the last one.  lol.  Still a little shy I guess.  I'm not a wild honky, if that's what you're wondering.  lol.

I know you have many enemies. I know this. I know you have many enemies. I also have many enemies.

There are very many techniques to attack your enemy. You must be very careful to the enemy relationship and thwart the possibilities of damage and warning. Enemies will hurt you if you do not strike first. Your enemy can see all

Hey Bloggers! Huge news! I'm in Europe. Yup, that's right! I'm blogging away from an Internet cafe is Russia now. I met with the Internet Czar in St. Petersburgh. He showed me several wire prototypes and asked if I had heard about Russia is cold. I met a neo-Nazi named Louis, and I traded him a pair of old boxing gloves for a warm blanket. Tomorrow I'm traveling to Prague to visit the flea markets. I can't shop long, however, as I have a speaking engagement at the European Center for Mash-Makers.

I was in the rainforest the night the new year burst through the womb of Mother Time. I had a box of explosives at my feet while you were drinking champagne and texting foreign lovers. The black panther, you see, was suffering. His insides were sick. He had asked me to do this. He had asked me to end him. As the backwards countdown commenced, I pulled the pin on the grenade. The great beast sprung gracefully from his seat, flaring his muscles and turning his attention towards the napalm ball that would end him honorably.

The black panthers eyes met mine. He could still end me if he wanted, and we both knew it.

I'm getting my masters, you know. It really is grand. I write papers about fantasy sports and ski on Tuesdays.

"Don't stick your penis in the snow," I thought to myself.

Wow, that's a great way to start a blog post. I'd imagine an intro like that will get me at least 3 blog comments.

When I was 13 years old, the police accused me of flicking rubber bands at an infant.

I was at a Academy Sports & Outdoors with my best bud Dean and his mum Mrs. Lawless. Dean and I were going to look at fishing lures. What lure would bayou bass like to bite at? Spinner Bait? Stink Bait? Roland Martin's Helicopter Lure? There are so many options, and Academy has them all.

We had been lure browsing for 10 minutes when I was tapped on the shoulder. It was a moustached man in uniform, and he had a gun.

"Yeah, son? A woman over there is very upset because her baby was injured by something, and she thinks you had something to do with it."

Dean distanced himself from me, and I felt my face get red.

"The baby was shocked or stung by something. Do you have a taser or anything like that in your pockets?"

Me, nervous as a schmuck- "Um, no."

"Okay go ahead and empty your pockets."

I was stopped at a red light on the drive home from lunch today, when a Honda with 2 cute girls pulled up next to me. I began to smile at them, when I noticed that they were smoking an illegal marijuana device. They didn't try and hide the marijuana device from me. They giggled and blew smoke out the window. It seems that these two girls were enjoying themselves.

I know about drugs. I've seen the commercials. These girls were about to get hungry and run over a child riding her bicycle innocently around a fast food restaurant. Either that or they were going to forget to pick up their kid brother at baseball practice in a bad neighborhood.

So I did what any responsible citizen would do. I rammed them with my Grand Prix.

Underneath his helmet, a drop of sweat fell into Troy Mauer's eye. He couldn't take off the helmet, so he tried to blink away the blurry. Despite the sting in his eye, Troy never removed his focus from the polaroid that was taped to his speedometer.

"I could get them back If I win this race," he thought to himself.

The picture was taken over a year ago, on Erika's 8th birthday. Troy's focus faded for a moment when he realized his hands were pained from his tense grip on the steering wheel. It had been 5 months since they left.  God, 5 months.

I hope the girl I fall in love with smokes cigarettes. Then I'll convince her to stop, and she'll listen to me, because I am the man. I am her man.

Later, like every couple, we'll have problems. When we really start to lay into each other, I'll look at her with wide eyes and yell "If it weren't for me, you'd be dead. You'd be dead from cancer, bitch. I'm the one that helped you stop smoking. Me."






Work is so slow today that my co-worker, the Resume Nazi, is looking at pictures of horses swimming. I think the horses are smiling, or maybe they are afraid. I can't tell.

Work is so slow today that

A lot happened this weekend. First of all, I invented an invisible space tiger. You can hear his growls a lot, when you're around me. He protects me and is my best friend. The best part is that I like to carry him around. He's so light because there is no gravity in space. Also he's ferocious but likes to eat meaty sandwiches.

$6 beers? Naked women all around? The smell of lonely? HEY, AM I AT A STRIP CLUB?

I built a robot out of an old computer box. Soon I'll film him.

I befriended a ghost named Andy yesterday. It happened at the gym, where I was playing basketball.

"Hey you got next?" he asked


"You got 5?"

"Nah, I still need 1."

"Cool. Can I run with you?"


I was a bit skeptical because I had never played basketball with a ghost. Heck I had only met 1 or 2 before!  But this ghost looked athletic, so I decided to pick him up for my squad.

The last place I lived was shittyshittybangbang and very bad like when a wolverine eats your kid. The apartment was in a great location, literally 10 feet away from a bar, had a fireplace and a balcony, yet still managed to be his huge helping of sad and suck.

I hated a lot about that apartment.

I once lived with this guy named Phil. Phil's real tall and everyone was always telling him he looked like someone.

"You look like Bill Clinton!"
"You look like Dirk Nowitzki!"
"You look like that guy from that movie Powder!"

Anyways Phil's a great bud. I was chuckling thinking about the times we had together.

Last night I needed a vacation. So I took one.

"What sounds like the best vacation ever?" I thought aloud.

"Probably riding around the Caribbean on a waverunner with a beautiful black woman." I answered aloud.

So that's what I did. Kinda-of.

I called the travel agent and told her I needed to leave for the tropics tonite and be back tommorow for work and I didn't have any money but I was good for it but they don't do that so blah blah blah.

Luckily I have a Super Nintendo.

I bought this game for $1.99. $1.99 to cruise around the fucking Caribbean in a sick motorbike and jetski? This could be better than the real deal!
I start playing and at first I'm having a badass time with my challenge. I'm riding around on my blue motorcycle while Caribbean music plays . Then halfway through the race I
Then I remember that I'm not with an ebony queen.
Since I don't know very many black girls, I had to settle for a cup of hot chocolate.



The Reveal

Holy Toledo, Machine

Several months ago I went to Minute Maid Park aka the House that Eusebio built aka R.I.P. Enron aka R.I.P. Astrodome aka the Juicebox aka Junction Jacks PlayHouse aka the Nonfunctioning Train Station aka Put a Lil HGH in your Orange Juice aka the Big Building on Crawford Ave. aka The Future Tomb of George Bush Senior aka Nolan Ryan's Afterbirth aka Sherrif Blaylock's Jailhouse aka Uncle Drayton's Ex-Girlfriend aka Milo's Cubbyhole aka The Geoff Era Shack aka Where the Ghost of Daryl Kile Pitches aka Zambrano's Worst Nightmare aka the Boner Garage.

"But Michael," you're saying.  "It's not baseball season!  What were you doing at the ballpark?"  Well, pally, I'll tell you what I was doing.  Take a look at this and don't get tooooooooo jealous............

An Exclusive Moustachio Tix Pix 
Why yes.  Your eyeballs are working properly.  That's a ticket to the "Launch Party", where the Houston Astros unveiled their new logo & uniforms.  Chris Christie was the lucky chap who scored the tickets.  He invited Mook, Reece, and myself to join him on this momentousness Texas day.  

Our outing started like always - with shots of Petron with buxxxom babes hanging all over us!!!  We all wore leather gloves and made small talk about how trees are bullshit.  Not really, we ended up at the only two blocks in Houston that doesn't have a decent restaurant, and sat down at the lamest bar/restaurant ever.  For some reason this place was selling counterfeit Kaz Ishii autographs for $60.  It's "queso" was a few slices of Kraft cheese warmed up over an old candle.  The only person who hated that place more than we did was the waiter who served us our flat beers. 
Hear No Astros, Talk No Astros, See No Astros

After exiting the saddest place in H-Town, we walked across the street to join the eager fans awaiting the new uniforms that the Astros will be wearing when they lose 108 games next season.

These people got here before us.  That's why they're in front of us.  Just in case you were wondering about how the line was formed.

This is where I felt like Bernie Goldstein walking to the showers at Auschwitz   I tried to take an alternate route to the field, but the man in the white shirt told me I couldn't.  "That's for players and VIP only," he said.  "It's okay, I'm with Moustachio Blog!" I told him.  "That blog hasn't been active since 2006," he responded.
Chris Christie, frowning because Lululemon doesn't sell razors.

Mook, super depressed because he was missing out on so many opportunities to PDA with his fiance .  "I would love to grope Jacqui in this hallway with all these people watching." I overheard him say.

Reece, extremely excited because we just agreed to be roommates.   A young Astros fan senses the excitement, and joins the smilefest.    

Finally!  We made it to the field!  And we got some beerz bc we're brozzz!!!
Here's Chris and the Reezce taking a pic in front of the mound.  Notice the security guard in the background...the mound was heavily guarded.  Because God Forbid someone touch that dirt.  "UNLESS YOUR NAME IS CHRIS HOLT OR JOSE LIMA I SUGGEST YOU BACK AWAY FROM THE BUMP," the guard shouted when I tried to reach past the barrier to touch the mound.  
Mook enjoying some free popcorn.  Looks delish, Mook!  

Is that Bo Porter?  Here I am leaning up against the dugout.  I got yelled at for doing this.  For some reason everyone at this event hated me.  I was almost thrown out a few times.  It's almost as if people resented me for loving Houston more than them.  


After an hour and a half of free popcorn, half price beers (read:  $8 beers), mound watching, and listening to an 80's cover band that kept on talking about the weather...it was time.  

Seeing (but not touching) the mound had ramped up the crowd to a mob like roar.  You could FEEL the excitement.  Houston was ready for a new logo.

Enthralled.  We're close. 

Houston's finest.  Even though they were both born in Asia or France or wherever.  These two bleed Astro.

The Reece was having an out of body spiritual experience.  He was asking his Gods to deliver the logo that we had been all praying for.

And finally, it happened...

Yes, that's me yelling "Open up the cage!" and "Wooooah!" and starting a "FOR FREE!  FOR FREE!" chant.  I like the F U look the guy gave me at the end of the video.  Did I mention everyone hated me at this thing?  

Anyways, the new logo looks like an old logo.  Surprise!  We thought we were going to see a NEW LOGO, but we got PUNK'D by the STROS.  lol lol.  And that wasn't the only old dog with a new trick that we heard about!

A real life NASA Astronaut came to the stadium and started a countdown after an elaborate 'where'd the alien go?' gag.  It was so thrilling for the fans to see an engineer introduce our old new mascot, Obirtz the fat Oscar the Grouch.  R.I.P. Junction Jack.

I took a few pics of the crowd while the reveal was happening.  This woman looked into the camera and smiled in EVERY single photo I took.  I think she dug my Astronaut commentary.  Craig Biggio's fat older brother, however, did not.  

Dean the Machine really wanted to be there with us, but he was on the east coast.  So I promised him I'd blog about the event, which is why this post has (finally) come together.  Missed you at the park, Dean!  Here's the handsome Reece explaining the new logo to you...


After all the excitement of the new old logo and the new old mascot and seeing the mound, we decided to head off the field.  Little did we know we'd run into LEGENDS...

The fans love Justin Maxwell, who's somehow the Astros 2nd best position player.  #TMZ #Celeb #JMax #Legend #Fanz

And what about the Astros 1st best position player?   Where's he at, you ask?

There he is.  Mr. Astro.
Wait a minute.  Sorry about that.

THERE he is.  Jose Altuve.  The Astros finest.  Literally the shortest human in this room, which is filled with middle school children, people in wheelchairs, and Asian grannies.  I think it's funny that the girl in the middle of the picture finds the corner of the room more interesting than the pride of the 'Stros.  I was in that room.  She's looking at a wall.  There wasn't a TV or anything in that room.  She's ignoring Jose to look at a wall.

Broz.  Beerz.  Baseballz.  Orbitz.  Hatz.  Astronautz.  We're blessed to be Houstonians.   

Approved by @Moustachio