3.11.2011
Let's Smash
I want to be violent. I want to smash a perfect lego village. I want to smash it fast. I want to take a perfectly minature house in my hand, and look at the man who spent painstaking hours constructing that perfect mini house directly in the eyes. I want him to watch as I throw that perfectly small house against a window for no good reason. Ideally that window will be located at the top of a tall skyscraper. And only the city birds will hear the whizz as that perfectly built mini house lets gravity be violent for me. Bits of glass will fall too. Watch out city birds. Fly away from the violence, city birds. Gravity will create a lego grenade for the concrete to erupt multi-colored, multi-pieced violence. I won't hear the whizz or burst myself. No, I'll be stomping away at the rest of that perfectly built lego village. Did you know that my legs are violence makers? They're muscular and strong and heavy. The idea that my legs were created to destroy runs through my mind. My legs don't take offense to that, and make quick work of a brown lego bridge. The beautiful detail of gas station isn't noticed by my size 12. I wore heavy shoes today on my purpose, my mind and legs say to that helpless creator and witness. One big, perfect lego becomes an oodle of silly color. This was quick violence against the yellow people. Lego my ego, you yellow fellows.
3.09.2011
The Bizness Bastard (To Be Filmed)
"Hi, my name is Bernard Barbalowitz...but my rich friend call me Bernie. And I am THE BIZNESS BASTARD! I'm gonna talk to you today about what it takes to be the best economical you that you can be. We're in tough times. People are jumping out of buildings the economy is so bad. They're leaping off of roofs, hopin' to land on their heads so they don't have to worry about this recession no more. It's as if America caught a cold...from poor people! America has the swine flu. You heard it here first. All the banks, the Wall St., the moneymakers...they're in the hospital hallucinatin...askin 'what happened? where's my momma? where's my money? where's my 14 carrot gold penguin statue with the diamond eyes?' Now you gotta ask yourself...are you gonna be in the hospital bed next to em? The sick ole bunk buddy? Or are you gonna be the fat cat doctoro that steals from their wallets when they're sleepin? Are you gonna let this recession take control of you? Or are you gonna take control of your finances, and rise up against this ho-hum-bum-rum???
That's what I thought! Now ole Uncle Bernie's gonna help you out here. I've some bizness tips to get you back on your feet. Get a pen and paper ready...lick the tip so you know the ink is ready to flow. No doodlin' now. Doodlin' don't get you rich! If Uncle Bernie finds out you're doodlin' he's gonna come to your house and crush your fingers with his strength.
Okay here are some tips that will you wallet fat and your fat cat fed:
-Why buy bottled water for your employees when there's a perfectly good pond across the street? If your employees are too good for pond water, then fire their candy ass! This ain't a marathon race! Pond water will get your whistle wet!
-...
That's what I thought! Now ole Uncle Bernie's gonna help you out here. I've some bizness tips to get you back on your feet. Get a pen and paper ready...lick the tip so you know the ink is ready to flow. No doodlin' now. Doodlin' don't get you rich! If Uncle Bernie finds out you're doodlin' he's gonna come to your house and crush your fingers with his strength.
Okay here are some tips that will you wallet fat and your fat cat fed:
-Why buy bottled water for your employees when there's a perfectly good pond across the street? If your employees are too good for pond water, then fire their candy ass! This ain't a marathon race! Pond water will get your whistle wet!
-...
3.04.2011
Coupons
A lot of people love coupons these days. Groupon, Living Social, Coupon Central, Couponz Unlimited, Coupon Town, Whitey Ford's Coupon Basement, The Coupon Arena, Cooped Up Mom Coupon Store, Groups of Humans Coupon Time, Florida Coup Company, The Tallahassee Savings Organization (Coupon Division), The Coupon Depot, Grape-on Groupon, The Coupon Lifestyle Club, etc., have all become very profitable these days.
Who knew people wanted to save money? I sure didn't. I wouldn't have seen this "saving money" craze with the Hupple Telescope. People fascinate me. Actually wait, I messed that up. *I fascinate people.* I'm not sold on this "using coupons to save money" thing long-term, though. Does anyone else think this craze could be the new "pogs" or "slap bracelets" or "AIDS"? I don't know. I guess I'm a late adopter or a non-believer or a handsome guy or whatever. I must admit that I have taken advantage of this coupon thing a few times myself:
Who knew people wanted to save money? I sure didn't. I wouldn't have seen this "saving money" craze with the Hupple Telescope. People fascinate me. Actually wait, I messed that up. *I fascinate people.* I'm not sold on this "using coupons to save money" thing long-term, though. Does anyone else think this craze could be the new "pogs" or "slap bracelets" or "AIDS"? I don't know. I guess I'm a late adopter or a non-believer or a handsome guy or whatever. I must admit that I have taken advantage of this coupon thing a few times myself:
- Via Poopon, I paid $40 for a bag of senior citizen feces (an $85 value). I needed some to finish my master's thesis (Is Old Poop Different Than Old People Poop: A Study), so I must admit this was a great deal.
- Via Hoops-Coups, I paid $80 to touch the birthmark on Drew Brees' face. I know, that's SO wrong, right? Why would a company called HOOPS Coups have a deal with an NFL player?
- Via Groupon, I paid $10 for a $20 gift card at Barnes + Noble. Kind of a waste. I temporary forgot that reading is for nerds, so I just bought a bookmark that looked like a dolphin because I needed a friend. With the leftover $17.22 on my card, I tried to buy 5 muffins at the Starbucks that was located WITHIN the B+N. After some latte-attitude, I screamed that I was technically IN a Barnes + Noble and my card should be accepted. I didn't win that argument, though, and the policeman that threw me out told me that Starbucks is a different company and have their own giftcards.
7.14.2010
See below for post title
My greatest ideas. A post, by Michael Conti of moustachio.blogspot.com fame.
1. An Asian businessman with eye glasses and a black suit, jumping up and down on a trampoline, pointing at a dead Hammerhead shark that lay motionless next to the trampoline.
2. A 6-year-old child calmly smoking a cigarette while watching a video of himself calmly smoking a cigarette.
3. "The Classy Zoo" - A normal zoo, except the zookeepers hot glue gun bow ties onto every single animal.
4. Beards, Boners, Beers, and Buds. A convention for men, where beards and boners are exposed and discussed, while drinking beer and new friendships develop. To be held in Santa Fe.
5. Breakfast Nachos. Tortilla chips covered in scrambled eggs, shredded cheese, black beans, bacon bits, sour cream, salsa, onion, etc.
6. Trap Door Dance Floor - a dance floor in Las Vegas, where bad dancers and ugly females fall through a trap door at the DJ's discretion, falling into an underground room full of lotion and feathers.
7. Robot Whale - for our nations defense.
8. A movie scene where an older woman accidentally wears a see-thru dress to church. The priest says something funny when she receives her communion. Something like "Lord have mercy" while he gulps loudly. Or "I'd like to break bread with her!" under his breath. Or he places a bible over his crouch to hide boner.
9. Frozen Sushi. Oh, wait: www.banzai-sushi.com
10. Twitter for ghosts. A social media site exclusively for ghosts.
1. An Asian businessman with eye glasses and a black suit, jumping up and down on a trampoline, pointing at a dead Hammerhead shark that lay motionless next to the trampoline.
2. A 6-year-old child calmly smoking a cigarette while watching a video of himself calmly smoking a cigarette.
3. "The Classy Zoo" - A normal zoo, except the zookeepers hot glue gun bow ties onto every single animal.
4. Beards, Boners, Beers, and Buds. A convention for men, where beards and boners are exposed and discussed, while drinking beer and new friendships develop. To be held in Santa Fe.
5. Breakfast Nachos. Tortilla chips covered in scrambled eggs, shredded cheese, black beans, bacon bits, sour cream, salsa, onion, etc.
6. Trap Door Dance Floor - a dance floor in Las Vegas, where bad dancers and ugly females fall through a trap door at the DJ's discretion, falling into an underground room full of lotion and feathers.
7. Robot Whale - for our nations defense.
8. A movie scene where an older woman accidentally wears a see-thru dress to church. The priest says something funny when she receives her communion. Something like "Lord have mercy" while he gulps loudly. Or "I'd like to break bread with her!" under his breath. Or he places a bible over his crouch to hide boner.
9. Frozen Sushi. Oh, wait: www.banzai-sushi.com
10. Twitter for ghosts. A social media site exclusively for ghosts.
5.25.2010
Boner Slap! A game by Michael Conti!
It may tkae me a few mnitues to rmemebr how to tpye! I hvan'et blgoged in so so lnog. My fngires frogot waht to do. Cmoe on Cnoti...you can do tihs.
HAHAHA! What a funny joke. "EVERYONE QUICK, COME TO THE COMPUTER! CONTI IS PRETENDING LIKE HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW TO TYPE! HE'S BACK! HE IS SO BACK, YOU GUYS!"
CONTI IS BACK! I invented a game called "Boner Slap!", but sadly the Milton Bradley organization was not interested. The game involves dice, chance, prizes, and penis. I'm not sure why they turned it down. Listen Milt, we're in a housing recession. No one wants to play Monopoly with those high rents and bank loans. Americans want to slap boners. We're still at war, Milt. Sinking ships in Battleship is wildly inapporpriate. Americans want to slap boners. Yahtzee sounds German or Jewish or something. Americans want to slap boners. Boner Slap! A game by Michael Conti!
Are you guys doing one thing everyday that scares you? There's a song that says you should do something everyday that scares you. Do you guys listen to songs? I do. I like listening to informative songs and then following out their instructions. Yesterday I swallowed a spider. Today I'm planning on riding my bike near a bunch of sharp spikes. Tomorrow I'll play Boner Slap! with some construction workers. Thursday I'll punt a glass football without any shoes or socks. Do Something Everyday That Scares You! A song by Baz Luhrmann!
Love scares a lot of people. Are you in love, reader? Probably not. Oh sure, you think you're in love. But truthfully, whoever you're in love with isn't as good as Michael Conti. He or she doesn't have my pizzazz. Your bones are lying to you, reader. What you really want is someone who makes really great laser comb videos. Your body is aching for someone who writes academic papers about fantasy sports. Your soul yearns for a lover with innovative board game ideas. Boner Slap! A game for lovers!
"HEY GUYS, ARE YOU READING THIS? CONTI IS TYING ALL HIS PARAGRAPHS BACK TO BONER SLAP. THAT'S A NEAT WRITING TECHNIQUE. YOU GUYS READING THIS?"
Gosh, I forgot how great of a writer I am. I am writing the fuck out of this blog. I could mention just about anything right now and you'd be on-board with it. Let's get super-duper odd with it:
The Tamarin monkey pointed at the scientist, and then at a loaf of the bread.
"Did you see that, Timmington? I think the monkey wants me to bring him some bread!" said Johnston, head scientist.
"These monkey's are learning to communicate," said Timmington, assistant scientist.
Johnston brought the Tamarin monkey the bread. The Tamarin monkey ate the bread quickly.
"It seems he enjoyed that bread," Timmington said when Johnston returned from the feeding.
"You're right! What a break-thru!" Johnston replied. "Let's go to Chili's and celebrate!"
Johnston and Timmington drove to Chili's in seperate cars, parking towards the rear of the restaurant.
"Let's order the bottomless nachos and the southwest eggrolls!" cried Johnston.
"Two appetizers?!?" replied Timmington.
"We deserve it, bro! Let's celebrate!"
"Haha if you say so, boss."
Timmington and Johnston ate appetizers, drank margaritas, and celebrated their day. Johnston even attempted to hit on their waitress, but she was happily engaged. Timmington insisted that the check be split, even though Johnston offered to pick up the entire tab. The two had a great time, even grabbing an improper amount of mints as they left. Back at the science monkey lab, however: death. You see, Tamarin monkies shouldn't eat bread. Tamarin monkeys should eat grapes, seeds, insects, and small reptiles. The monkey science lab fired Timmington and Johnston the next day. Very discouraged and unemployed, the two struggled to find enjoyment. That is, until they found a new board game to keep them busy. Boner Slap! A game by Michael Conti!
HAHAHA! What a funny joke. "EVERYONE QUICK, COME TO THE COMPUTER! CONTI IS PRETENDING LIKE HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW TO TYPE! HE'S BACK! HE IS SO BACK, YOU GUYS!"
CONTI IS BACK! I invented a game called "Boner Slap!", but sadly the Milton Bradley organization was not interested. The game involves dice, chance, prizes, and penis. I'm not sure why they turned it down. Listen Milt, we're in a housing recession. No one wants to play Monopoly with those high rents and bank loans. Americans want to slap boners. We're still at war, Milt. Sinking ships in Battleship is wildly inapporpriate. Americans want to slap boners. Yahtzee sounds German or Jewish or something. Americans want to slap boners. Boner Slap! A game by Michael Conti!
Are you guys doing one thing everyday that scares you? There's a song that says you should do something everyday that scares you. Do you guys listen to songs? I do. I like listening to informative songs and then following out their instructions. Yesterday I swallowed a spider. Today I'm planning on riding my bike near a bunch of sharp spikes. Tomorrow I'll play Boner Slap! with some construction workers. Thursday I'll punt a glass football without any shoes or socks. Do Something Everyday That Scares You! A song by Baz Luhrmann!
Love scares a lot of people. Are you in love, reader? Probably not. Oh sure, you think you're in love. But truthfully, whoever you're in love with isn't as good as Michael Conti. He or she doesn't have my pizzazz. Your bones are lying to you, reader. What you really want is someone who makes really great laser comb videos. Your body is aching for someone who writes academic papers about fantasy sports. Your soul yearns for a lover with innovative board game ideas. Boner Slap! A game for lovers!
"HEY GUYS, ARE YOU READING THIS? CONTI IS TYING ALL HIS PARAGRAPHS BACK TO BONER SLAP. THAT'S A NEAT WRITING TECHNIQUE. YOU GUYS READING THIS?"
Gosh, I forgot how great of a writer I am. I am writing the fuck out of this blog. I could mention just about anything right now and you'd be on-board with it. Let's get super-duper odd with it:
The Tamarin monkey pointed at the scientist, and then at a loaf of the bread.
"Did you see that, Timmington? I think the monkey wants me to bring him some bread!" said Johnston, head scientist.
"These monkey's are learning to communicate," said Timmington, assistant scientist.
Johnston brought the Tamarin monkey the bread. The Tamarin monkey ate the bread quickly.
"It seems he enjoyed that bread," Timmington said when Johnston returned from the feeding.
"You're right! What a break-thru!" Johnston replied. "Let's go to Chili's and celebrate!"
Johnston and Timmington drove to Chili's in seperate cars, parking towards the rear of the restaurant.
"Let's order the bottomless nachos and the southwest eggrolls!" cried Johnston.
"Two appetizers?!?" replied Timmington.
"We deserve it, bro! Let's celebrate!"
"Haha if you say so, boss."
Timmington and Johnston ate appetizers, drank margaritas, and celebrated their day. Johnston even attempted to hit on their waitress, but she was happily engaged. Timmington insisted that the check be split, even though Johnston offered to pick up the entire tab. The two had a great time, even grabbing an improper amount of mints as they left. Back at the science monkey lab, however: death. You see, Tamarin monkies shouldn't eat bread. Tamarin monkeys should eat grapes, seeds, insects, and small reptiles. The monkey science lab fired Timmington and Johnston the next day. Very discouraged and unemployed, the two struggled to find enjoyment. That is, until they found a new board game to keep them busy. Boner Slap! A game by Michael Conti!
2.03.2010
Twee
Fuck a hole in the ground! Do you remember when blogging was cool? I don't. I've drank way too much moonshine to remember 2006. Nowaday's I'm tweeting. That's all my old bones can handle. Sentences, not paragraphs. I'm 28 now, dear reader. How am I supposed to find the time to entertain you when it takes me an hour to comb my hair and buckle up my boots?
Actually, if I'm honest, I'm stronger than I've ever been. You guys really should see me naked. It's worth the drive. The reason I'm not writing more is because certain institutions are forcing me to write about Plato, fantasy sports, and diffusion of innovations. It's a bore, my friend, but someone has to do it.
Some of my writings have aroused interest. I'll be in Seattle and Vancouver in early March to present my work. Would you like to network? Call the Moustachio hotline to inquire.
In other news, I'm engaged to a lovely young woman named Shirley Tiverington. She's obese and poor, but she knows several professional field goal kickers. I said from day one...I don't care about appearances or money. I just want to be with someone that can introduce me to Mike Vanderjagt.
I have new friends. I'm so fucking popular it's not even funny how fucking likeable I am. Holy Fuck my personality is like a waterfall. No one can take their eyes off me. People see angels when they are around me. Just ask T-Bone, The Thrill, Dirty Dave, El Jefe, and the rest of the crew. They can't get enough of this shit.
Is there anything I need to know about? What's going on in blog world? Can someone inform me? Are you guys ok? Are you happy? I hope so.
But fuck you guys right now. I gotta gchat.
Actually, if I'm honest, I'm stronger than I've ever been. You guys really should see me naked. It's worth the drive. The reason I'm not writing more is because certain institutions are forcing me to write about Plato, fantasy sports, and diffusion of innovations. It's a bore, my friend, but someone has to do it.
Some of my writings have aroused interest. I'll be in Seattle and Vancouver in early March to present my work. Would you like to network? Call the Moustachio hotline to inquire.
In other news, I'm engaged to a lovely young woman named Shirley Tiverington. She's obese and poor, but she knows several professional field goal kickers. I said from day one...I don't care about appearances or money. I just want to be with someone that can introduce me to Mike Vanderjagt.
I have new friends. I'm so fucking popular it's not even funny how fucking likeable I am. Holy Fuck my personality is like a waterfall. No one can take their eyes off me. People see angels when they are around me. Just ask T-Bone, The Thrill, Dirty Dave, El Jefe, and the rest of the crew. They can't get enough of this shit.
Is there anything I need to know about? What's going on in blog world? Can someone inform me? Are you guys ok? Are you happy? I hope so.
But fuck you guys right now. I gotta gchat.
10.27.2009
Re-Branding Moustachio
Welcome to the *former* moustachio blog. lol. I say *former* because there are going to be some *major* changes coming. No more dicking around. No more inactivity. No more mismanaging funds.
The key phrase is *re-branding*. lol. Not trying to get all marketing guru on you! lol. It's just time for *moustachio* to do something important in this world. It's time for moustachio to change how consumers use the internet.
"*How do we do that?,*" you're probably asking yourself. lol. Good question! Feedback is encouraged. The web is about Two-Way-Communication. Me talking to you. You letting me know how you feel about that. Web 2.0...dig it! LOL.
Well, making these changes is going to be a focused, difficult task. Moustachio is going to diversify. Moustachio is going to elevate *and* enhance. Moustachio...might as well call it Transformio! lol. From here on out, this blog will focus on 3 things:
How cool would it be if a velociraptor had sex with a brontosaurus? Do you think the Raptor would touch the brontosaurus' tail during foreplay? Do you Raptor fellatio would hurt, even though brontosaurus skin is very tough?
Q: Hi, my name is Franklin and I've never had a girlfriend. How do I get a muff with the right stuff? A: Lose 10 pounds and put glitter on your penis.
Ethel35: @TheEllenShow keep up the good work, young man.
The key phrase is *re-branding*. lol. Not trying to get all marketing guru on you! lol. It's just time for *moustachio* to do something important in this world. It's time for moustachio to change how consumers use the internet.
"*How do we do that?,*" you're probably asking yourself. lol. Good question! Feedback is encouraged. The web is about Two-Way-Communication. Me talking to you. You letting me know how you feel about that. Web 2.0...dig it! LOL.
Well, making these changes is going to be a focused, difficult task. Moustachio is going to diversify. Moustachio is going to elevate *and* enhance. Moustachio...might as well call it Transformio! lol. From here on out, this blog will focus on 3 things:
- Dinosaur Sex
- Relationship Advice
- Old Person Tweets
How cool would it be if a velociraptor had sex with a brontosaurus? Do you think the Raptor would touch the brontosaurus' tail during foreplay? Do you Raptor fellatio would hurt, even though brontosaurus skin is very tough?
Q: Hi, my name is Franklin and I've never had a girlfriend. How do I get a muff with the right stuff? A: Lose 10 pounds and put glitter on your penis.
Ethel35: @TheEllenShow keep up the good work, young man.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
